About Christianity

out of the so called 7 deadly sins (in no order) - wrath, pride, lust, gluttony, sloth, envy and greed, i guess envy is the one i am more susceptible to, being in the 3rd place if i have to list out in order of the 7 which i am most susceptible to.

well, it is true i have been blessed with many things - a healthy body, a normal family, not living in poverty, did not go through any tragedies, and most importantly, knowing God from a very young age.

but i had many things i had envied others about. and even now, i still do. my teenage life was, well you can say quite messed. no, i did not take drugs or end up in prison or stuffs like that. there were many things that happened, and i didn't really enjoy it. in terms of appearance or popularity, i was part of the chronically uncool (i just love that term, hahas). not cool, not smart, didn't know how to please, not good-looking. you know, the kind of uncool people who keep trying to make themselves cool, and make a fool of themselves without knowing. i envied others when they had a romantic relationship. i envied that they had more freedom. my parents were kind of strict and over-protective, ruling the house like a military. i envied that they have friends who are cool. i envied the fact that they always have many friends, and all i can do is to look at others when they have fun. as part of the uncool, they gave me names and made fun of me. of course, they didn't know what was respect then. maybe i didn't earn it, but let's not talk about that now.

and when i grew older, i still envy others. i envied others who no need to work hard for the things they had. i envied others who has a better life elsewhere. everytime i look at television on school life (be it drama or anime), i thought back about my own. my teenage years had already gone by, and i had wasted, or gone through my teenage life without enjoying anything much. of course, i do have happy times, and i made close friends who were there for me when i was a very uncool person. so, i envied others who had and/or are spending and enjoying their teenage life. to me, i rather work and go out to society than return back to my teenage life, which was supposed to be the part where people enjoy the most.

and then at the same time, i do realize that i had, maybe, be put or intended to live my teenage life like that. i met others now, younger than me, who are also going through the same thing. sometimes, they got disappointed with the way people treat them, sometimes they too envy others who had it better. i realize, that maybe, the way i lived my life like that was to help people after me, going through the same thing. let's not talk about whether the people deserve the treatment, but we can all assume all humans have feelings, and wanted to be treat with respect. i cannot say i did help alot, but i understood what they were going through, much more than many others, because i have been that way too. and now, in my own way, i am trying also to help my friends live and enjoy their teenage life, so they will not regret like i do. i help them not because it is my duty, nor am i trying to be a saint. i help them because i want to, simply that.

late into my teens, i met a guy who took time to help me. i was in spirtual darkness at that time. i was hurt, even though i refused to admit. i didn't realize my own helplessness and lost until he told me something that i could never forget. people look at a new day as a sign of hope and new life, and night as a conclusion. he told me bluntly my own thinking which i did not know, that i look at 'the new day as a start of a day full of shit, and when night comes i thank God that the shit is over.' i smiled at him, not knowing what to say. and i laughed. but i knew he was true. he did many things for me, he showed me care and concern. but i was not used to it, and i kept pushing him away, saying and doing things to push him away. i wanted people to care, yet i was not used to it and pushed it away. what an irony.

2 years later, he left to help others, and moved on with his life. i moved on with my life too. but he showed me light. in my last contact with him, i only wrote on a piece of paper his name, 2 very big words, 'THANK YOU' and my name. no other words can express my gratitude. now i am helping others too, not because i want to be appreciated, but because i know how it feels like, and what impact it can have, to show people that you care. and i can, more than many people, because i had gone through that. no, i am not saying i have gone through a lot in life. like i say, i have a normal family, i live in a decent country, i am not starving and i have not met any tragedies yet. but it doens't deny the fact that there are people who need help, and i can help.

moral of the story? what you are experiencing now may be what God want you to experience, because one day, you may find people who need your help. you may have people to help you too, out of your current situation. but if there is no one, remember God is always there. i am not saying you have to ask Him to take away your sufferings, i am saying you should ask Him for faith and strength to go through his 'training'.