About Christianity

While wearing a school uniform that doesn't suit me
I'm being swallowed by an overflowing crowd.
I'm at my patience's limit and want to scream.

Even if I open a textbook
The answers aren't written there.

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you ever felt like the girl? doing something that don't suit you, doing something you don't like. being pushed by the crowd, being pushed by society. just because everyone is doing it, we have to do it. just because it is the unspoken rule, we have to obey it. being mixed in with everyone, doing what everyone else is doing, even if you don't like it. i am sure, at one point of time or another, you have felt that.

and then we endure it. endure the hardship, we tell ourselves. everyone is doing it, so can i. then maybe, at one point of time, when you finally cannot take it anymore, when you finally realized everything is pointless, and then your patience is finally worn off, like that girl, you want to scream. scream at who? no one in particular. nothing in particular.

the frustration finally overcame you. you are not made like that. you are not meant to do this kind of thing (say study, or working a particular job). but you realized in the end you could do nothing. you need to be educated to find a better job next time. you need to work to support your family. and in the end, you realized, although it is pointless, although you don't like it, you still have to do it. why? society demands it. unspoken rule. and then you really really want to scream, or to shout. anything, anything to get the pressure out. get the frustration out.

maybe some of us would do a more practical thing. search for answers. what can we do? what should i do? what opportunities are there? you search and you search. like that girl, you cannot find that in your textbooks. the math formulas did not teach you how to solve your life problems. the periodic table of chemistry did not tell you which element is the root of all problems. the physics theories did not tell you which theory you need to apply to get out of the mess. and biology only tells you it is only the hormones which screwed up.

no answers. the teacher did not teach you. the textbook is useless. for all that you learn, you still end up here. for all that you try, you are still in a mess. and you really really don't know what to do anymore. and once again, you realized, that screaming is also useless. throwing things, shouting, eating pills...they don't solve your problems.

in the crowd, you are the only odd one out. maybe, that is true. maybe, that is not. maybe, everyone is thinking like you. but, nobody notices. because you, like everyone else, despite your helplessness and frustration, is forcing yourself to walk forwards one more step. keep up with the crowd. go along with them. and so, collectively, we move forwards, each ignorant of the screams of the person walking beside you.

where is this going to lead to? you tell yourself, to a better future. that is why you are trying so hard. to a better future? i hope so. if not, for all the effort you put in, for all the suffering you go through, what is it for? but the future is not certain. it is not like you apply the differentiation formula you are sure to get the gradient of a graph. nobody knows what the future is like. we can increase our chances of making sure our future happens, but nobody knows for sure. nobody knows. '100 correct steps to reach the top, one wrong step to fall'. you heard that before?

then what are we working for? what are we suffering for? if not for a better future, then what?

i don't know. and i will never know. God knows. He knows why you are walking that path you don't like. maybe, it is His plan. maybe, it is because you don't listen and you take a wrong step.

what is ahead of us? we don't know. God knows. but because He knows, we can look to Him for help. maybe, He won't show us the road ahead of us. maybe, He will only tell us to walk and trust in Him. but because He knows the way, we can trust in Him. step by step, little by little, He will give us the strength we need to continue walking. or maybe, He will bring us to an unknown road that He believes is the correct road for us.

and as we walk with Him, maybe we are still suffering. but, we will not be wearing the wrong kind of uniform anymore. maybe, we would still want to scream. but, He has the answers the textbooks did not have. maybe, we are at our patience's end, but He will turn you into a more patient person. the road might be hard, but He knows the way.

so, believe in Him. so you won't need to scream at your own helplessness. so you won't need to search the textbooks for the answers that are not there. so you won't need to wear a uniform that does not suits you.

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am i repeating my message over and over again in my blog? oh well...