About Christianity

'i dont want to be like that, i want to be different from others,' i remembered telling my parents that when i was a child. ever since i had memory, kokutou azaka loves the word 'unique'. although there is no difference from being bound, i cannot bring myself not to like that word. i don't know why, i just don't want to be like the others, living a normal life. waking up naturally, going through life naturally, going to sleep naturally, i despised all these. i am the only me, so i must be different from others.

the child harboring this thought in her heart, because she has no idea what is special, so she always thought being special means being better than everyone else. i kept as secret those knowledge i forced myself to learn, and through that, became more special than my peers. i don't want to be a genius, nor do i want to be taken as a good student, because that is not special at all. what i must achieve, is a kind of 'difference' even words cannot describe. it did not matter if i am not the first, nor did it matter if i am the weakest.

i just wanted to be a special being. because of that, i threw away many things, and slowly detached myself from the surroundings. i used the knowledge i got to harm, to detach and to scare those who came near me. the results satisfied me, so i began to throw away even more things, and other than the teachers and friends, even my parents got distant from me. i finally achieved solitariness.

still being a child, i could not tell that was a mistake. because that made me comfortable, whether it was good or bad, i never thought about it. if i continued this, i would become a different person, different from others, unable to live with them...a person who exist to hurt others.

but i realized, that was something that made me lose out. not because some righteous partner or prince charming came to persuade me, it is unwittingly, naturally, i began to regret missing out the more interesting things.

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the above is an exerpt (i had taken out the less important parts) from a story book. it told of the history of a teenager when she was a child, how she tried too quickly to be special, to mature and to grow up. sorry though, if i put in the whole excerpt so you get the whole story, this post will be too long.

in a way, that is sad right? trying too hard to be different, and giving up the more important things, things that only children of her age could enjoy, things that she could never enjoy again. time could not turn back, and she could only regret them from the present.

are we like that? this post might be a little similar with the previous post i made about 'sacrifice'. how many times did we rush forwards in life, trying so hard to be someone we are not, trying so hard to be someone we will be if we wait, only to realize too late that we had missed out the more important things?

have anyone of you neglected your family? maybe your relationship with God? maybe the time when you can enjoy the peak of your youth? or maybe the innocence of a child you once were entitled to enjoy? or maybe, the stupidity of a teenager which we were all privileged.

'our life is not like a story you said.' maybe that's what you want to say to me. bills to pay, family to support, loans to pay off....everything needs money. if you don't work hard, maybe you would end up being in a bad situation. a little advice though, there are things that are luxury goods that you don't need to spend on.

anyway, back to the main point. we only live life once, and every stage of our lives is meaningful. being normal is not a sin. being special is not a must-achieve-goal. if we use this current stage of our lives to do something not of our age range, in the end, we might end up like kokutou azaka, regretting what cannot be undone.

again, i say these things on the blog, and yet i do something that does not fit my age range. talk about being stupid, just after making a post about stupidity.

well i guess most of you would more or less have learnt something from the above story, and would not need to read this post. but since i like to write, i shall cook up more advices that i myself don't do.

what azaka missed out was not only the life of a child, and the innoncence of a child. it was friends. deliberately harming people, pushing people away, she became alone, just like what she wanted. but what is life without friends? i might have said before, humans can live without friends, but you would have no joy, and no sadness. because there is nothing for you to be happy about, and nothing for you to be sad about. although, that is in itself a form of sadness.

in our walk of life, how many friends did we sacrificed? how many people had we harmed? maybe we don't need these people. maybe we can survive without them. but, is that really a good thing? like azaka, using the knowledge you get to harm people, is that really a good thing? like azaka, being a person who exists to harm people, if that is the case, then your life is really sadder than those whom you have harmed.

like azaka, often we do things that we think is comfortable for us, and did not consider whether it is right or wrong. like azaka, one day, we will regret if we continue to do this. like her, we will regret yet unable to do anything. we cannot turn back time. we cannot undo the things we did. like azaka, you can only dream about it. you had that feeling before? i am sure you have. that is the kind of feeling that can sink you into mild depression, that can make your eyes seemed tired, that can make your heart feel as if nothing else mattered anymore.

what i want to say today is actually simply this - in your rush or your goal to get things done, to achieve the state you want, be it riches or social status, enjoy this life God gives you. there is a time for everything. if today you missed this time, it will be tomorrow soon. you will never get back today. so, as you rush through your life, do take time to stop and enjoy life. enjoy the friends and people around you. enjoy nature. enjoy your relationship with God.

and now, after all this, i have to rush off. you see, i never do what i said....

whatever you do, don't be like kokutou azaka...