About Christianity

today, when i was in the disciple group (to those who don't know, it is like a small group of christian gathering where we study the Bible), we were told to write down 'our future'. well it is not exactly like predicting our future. we were told to write down what we hope to achieve at the end of 4 years, or 6 months. there is a reason to the number 4 and 6 which i will not explain.

everyone began to write down what they hope to achieve. only i was left wondering what to write. oh no, i had came to meet up with this question again.

many times people ask me, what do i want to do in the future? what do i hope to achieve in the future? everyone has dreams, and everyone has their goals. the people i met, they knew what they wanted to do. but i don't. i used to have dreams. big dreams, small dreams, realistic goals, and unrealistic ones. but now, i don't really have a dream.

at some point or another, it seemed i had stopped thinking about the future. you know, for me it is so bad i cannot see where i would be 6 months from now. i cannot even answer people when they ask me about my future. and as usual, i give them some answer which is either very vague or which is made up on the spot.

i don't know why and i don't know how. it is just sudden. few years back, it happened. i cannot see my life ahead. the present and the past are all i had. or maybe, the task God gave me to do, which is to write stories, even though no one bothers to read. no, i am not complaining, because regardless of how many views i get, even if it is zero, writing stories is my hobby and i would do it. life of course, consists of the task God gives us, as well as the our dreams.

as to why do i have no goals? like i said, i don't know. but if i have to give an answer to which i think is the closest i can get to the real reason, it is because i had lost passion in a lot of things. i used to be passionate about many things. making money, getting into relationships, do well in sports, strive to be the top, aim to get into medical school....etc. of course i used to try hard, except for the part about going into medical school, because my results were...well, terrible. but suddenly, i had lost interests in many things, or rather, most of the things.

i am in a place i don't like, doing what i don't like, doing what i am not good at. everyday, waking up, unlike everyone who look forward to a new day, i dread a new day. i think i have said it before, that i like the nights. because the nights signify the end of all the shit. the day means the start of all the nonsense. maybe your life is like mine, maybe not. this kind of life sucks. because it is just like drifting around, doing things for the sake of doing it. without purpose, without passion.

of course, i had asked myself and asked God what am i exactly doing with my life? i am 21 years old this year. people are enjoying the prime of their youth, yet i am wandering around aimlessly, each day represents hours of.... meaningless activities. and the answer that always came into my mind is to trust in the Lord. i guess i have no choice.

if you are like me, i guess you too, have to trust in the Lord. because He knows what He is doing, even when we don't. i hope one day, i am able to come back and make another post to continue this, to tell you that i make the right decision to trust.

no, i am not emo-ing because something happened today. i have been feeling this for years. just that today, the question asked about my future, set me writing this post. my future is a blank, and if yours is like mine, i only can suggest one thing which i am doing right now. ask the Lord to fill in the blanks. i might not like the way how He fills it in, but i know it is the best way to fill it.