About Christianity

i had wanted to put up another post. but before i could put that, i came across something that changed my mind. i guess i would put it next time, after this post.

i was doing my quiet time when the material i used directed me to Exodus 16:1-5. well if you are lazy to flip open the Bible it is about the israelites complaining in the desert and said it would be better to die in egypt than to go out into the desert to starve. and the Lord said He would rain down bread from heaven, and the people are supposed to gather them to eat.

well, the Lord was speaking to me using that short story. of course when we read the Bible the Lord is telling us something, but this was something which directly affect the present moment of my life. well how do i put it?

actually i have responsibilies that i have to handle, yet i know i cannot do it. not that i don't want, just that my strength is not enough. well since it is a responsibilty, even if i don't want it, i still have to do it well. not that i am a very responsible person, but that the consequences of failure is somewhat disturbing.

anyway, since it was a set of responsibilties that only i alone can do, i could not get help from any other human. well not directly. and i have not gone around asking what i can do to better cope. oh well, the result of which is that i get very little sleep, and i am always very tired, and irritated, and frustrated. sometimes i even have to control myself so i will not flare up and throw tempers.

and so it goes on. and one day i thought, maybe i should just give up. i don't care about the consequences anymore. after weighing the benefits and cost, i thought there was really no point. i would just go through it, and i won't care. if things go bad, it is too bad for me since the results affect no other human except for me. it was so bad that if i have to say something, i guess it would be 'fuck the world'.

you might want to say something about me posting a swear word on a christian blog, but i see no difference between fuck and f**k since you would have known it and the intention to utter a word of profanity was there. the ** only serves as nothing but a nice wrapping for the vulgarities to make it more presentable and acceptable. in essence, the 2 words meant the same damn thing.

anyway, so the combination of the material i used for QT, the Bible verses, and God's own teaching to me was this: trust the Lord. like the israelites, who only gathered enough bread for one day everyday, except for the day before sabbath, trusted the Lord and depended on Him. they have no extra storage of food for tomorrow. tomorrow God will give them more food. like matthew 6:25-34 says, God will take care of us. do not worry about tomorrow.

so, in the end i concluded and learnt that i should depend on the Lord everyday. everyday receive a little of God's help. when the time comes, i guessed what will happen will happen. just like how the israelites have to go through the desert to the promised land, i guess i am heading towards some sort of promised land too, and i am in the desert. just that i hope the promised land i have in mind is not so far from the promised land intended from me. and that i will be obedient enough so i will actually reach the place intended for me instead of dying in the desert.

what's the moral of the story. some of you may have duties and responsibilties more than you can even take it. some of you have tried to the best of your ability and wanted to give up. i may not have the same committment as you, but i certainly know how it feels like to try hard, see no results and wanting to give up. but i guess God won't give you a responsibility so you can die alone. if you cannot handle it, ask for help.

i don't know about you. but when i realized that God actually tells me to trust in Him, i felt more peaceful. instead of just going through it and not caring about the results, i thought maybe i will do what i can and let Him decide the rest. of course, i still hope to get through it. and that i hope i won't fail (now that i have hope again). but if it is in the plan for me to fail so that i can get to another place, who am i to say anything?

the fact that the Lord of all creation personally tells you to trust in Him is actually very reassuring. it is not like a friend or some expert telling you to trust in him. because they are only humans. and humans have limits. i have a God who tells me to trust in Him, and He is the King who controls everything, He is the Lord that knows everything - past, present and future. so if He tells me to trust in Him, i would do that.

maybe you can say the only reason why i can say such a thing is because i have not met enough despair or hopelessness to totally lose faith in God. yeapx, you are right. that's why for now i can still have enough faith.

maybe you won't like me for saying this, but whether you like it or not, accept it or not, it does not change the fact that there is a God. despite wars and family violence, starvation and poverty, there is a God. i cannot explain why all these happen when God is in control, nor can i give an answer as to why there are so many tragedies in the world, but He is the King and He rules as He sees fit. and since He is the King and He asks me to trust and have faith, i will do that. that's why i said you might not like it when i say this. it sounds like hypocritical bullshit coming from a person who knows nothing at all.

i don't know what kind of life you have. but if you are not having any hope left, why not trying asking God to give you a little bread (help) each day as you walk across the desert which is your life for now? and when you walked far enough (in the correct direction of course) you would get to the new part of your life which is the promised land. but to do that, you will need to have enough faith and obedience. you wouldn't want to walk around in circles in the desert, let alone die there, right? or maybe you might get out of the desert, but if you did not reach the promised land, would you not have suffered the journey of the desert for nothing or for something less than what you could have gotten?

if there is anyone you should place your hopes on, why not try placing them on the King of all things? if you feel like, maybe you should just hope for one more time and work for one more time, why not hope in the Lord? because He doesn't give you the wrong kind of hope. because He knows what He is doing. and because He is in control. and most importantly, the King of all creation loves you very much.

running away from problems. it is something i thought i will never do again. when i was a kid (9 years old), i remember very clearly once i knock down my classmate and caused him to fall and bleed on the leg. i ran away, and prayed to God that he will be healed. somehow i was hoping for a miracle. that miracle never came, of course. that day, i was taught a lesson. from that day onwards i knew that running away do not solve any problems.

as i grew older, i told myself that i will not run away from problems. running away from problems is somewhat like owing a debt. the more you run, the more you have to pay. just like a debt, you have to pay it. if you don't pay, you will get more interests, and in the end you have to pay even more. a problem too, you run away now, the problem gets worse. one day, you still have to come back. unless you declare bankcrupt, or do not care about the consequences anymore, then there is no need for us to face that problem. but the thing is, the consequences of not facing the problem is usually very... costly.

and so, i lived and thought that those who ran away are fools. i would never do that. that is a foolish thing to do. i am sure you will agree with me. this carry on, until recently.

way before the problem comes, when everything is still peaceful, i could already see what was going to happen. a big problem which is going to give me a ton of trouble. never mind, i will face it. and then it came. and then i realized that the problem is too big for me. because it is a personal problem, i could not depend on others. because it is an inevitable problem, there is no avoiding it. and from that day onwards, my life is going downhill, getting more and more screwed.

and then, for the first time in a long long time, i ran away from it. the problem which is going to be a bigger problem. leave it to tomorrow, and then tomorrow. maybe, it would be better if the tomorrow never reaches. everyday is just another shitty day.

and then i had realized one thing. i had became too proud. in the past, i did not run from problems because of 2 reasons: the problems were never big enough and/or God helped me along the way. this time it was different. i became like some others i told myself i never would be like them.

in this aspect, i had forgotten to be humble. i had forgotten what it felt like to be in a really deep shit. of course, we fell into a big trouble every now and then. but for me, maybe living in peace for too long made me forget about that feeling. and now, i am forced to remember it.

so what do i want to say? for all of you reading this, we must always be humble, and never forget how it felt like to be in trouble. when others are in trouble, and they do something foolish or stupid, or when they do something wrong, instead of looking at them and saying 'i am not going to be like them', maybe we should help them (if we can) or be thankful to God that everything is still going alright for us.

am i talking funny now? it is about 0200H. maybe my mind is not functioning properly anymore.

i thought i am still running away, knowing one day i am going to be in a deeper shit. heck, i cannot even make a meaningful blog post today. i had thought of writing something meaningful, but i guess in the end this post is just plain bullshit.

i am going to sleep. good night.