About Christianity

If only she could have cried awkwardly,
If only she could have forgiven them at that time,
If only there had been someone she could have leaned on...

In that body that knows nothing
Did night turn into day?

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there are many tragedies in life that many people go through. rape, abuse, murder, war, poverty, starvation, illness, accidents... etc. although i have a very strong tendency to envy other people for what they have and for what i don't, i am actually very grateful to God that so far, i have not met any situations like that. so far, i have not experienced any tragedies that will sink me into despair.

many of us too. we lead a normal life, live a blessed life. although we envy others, we ourselves sometimes know deep down in our hearts that for all the envy we have, for all the 'depressions' we have, for all the frustrations we have, we have not yet been sink into a despair we cannot climb up of. or maybe, we have not even stepped into the swamp of despair before. walking in a rocky road perhaps, but nonetheless a road.

do we know people who sink into despair? maybe the death of someone, maybe a person's own helplessness at being unable to prevent a certain tragedy. maybe a guilt too serious that he/she cannot forgive herself? we all have different limitations. some sink into the swamp quickly, while others took a longer time to sink. but, still, whether quick or slow, it did not make the fact they are sinking any more false.

like the girl (see the opening of this post), she was in despair. she cannot cry, she cannot forgive, and she had no one to lean on. in the end, the day never came. because she never lived through the night to see the day.

we have many emotions, and for every emotion there is a counter emotion. for every positive feeling there is another negative. love and hate. hope and despair. if hope can bring a person back from the 'dead', despair can send a person down to her grave. those of you who had gone through despair before, you would have understood.

the girl, her parents were dead. she could not cry. she could not forgive. she had no one to support her.

the act of crying, is a sign to show others we are weak at that point in time. unfortunately, sometimes people are unable to cry. maybe people don't want to see you in your wreak state. maybe, you just want to show people you are strong. maybe, we think we are not fit to cry (this would be the most logical reason i can come up with). unable to cry not only means we are suppressing our tears, it also means we are suppressing whatever we are feeling inside of us. hiding it, cover it... but we cannot eliminate it. not being able to face ourselves, what can we do?

forgiveness, one of the laws of christianity, is there for a reason. not only because God forgives us, it provides a way for healing. if we cannot forgive, how can we get out of the hurt? maybe i can say that because my parents are not murdered or something. but, if we don't forgive, we cannot move on. just like that girl, she was unable to move on. being stuck in the past, experiencing the pain over and over, until she reached her limit. if only she had forgiven them, she might have been able to see the day.

if only she had someone to leaned on, she might not have died. if she had someone to support her, she might have gone through the crisis. when we are in despair, we fall, and we don't want to pick ourselves up. you feel very tired, as if nothing else matters anymore. as if even if you die, it didn't really make a difference. with no one to help you, with yourself in that swamp of despair, sooner or later, that is going to make you drown. at that time, if someone lent her a helping hand, pull her out of that swamp, she would not have died.

what do i want to say?

of course you can say God is there. but, even though He is there, how many of those sink into despair will take His help? the emotions suppressed inside, the hatred, and the feeling of helplessness - even though God can take it all away, how many of those in despair would let Him do that?

maybe then, if we see someone like that, we can be a bridge to link her/him to God. even if they refuse to believe in God, maybe we can do something.

maybe, she won't let her feelings out in front of you. maybe, she won't cry in front of you. but, at least, if you are there for her, she may have the courage to face herself. she might not know it, but in fact she might be crying really hard in her heart. crying so hard she has no idea when that will stop. and that will not stop as long as she don't face herself. if you are there for her, maybe, you can just give her a little courage that she needs.

forgiveness. some of us find it hard to forgive. even though hating a person is tiring, but sometimes we just cannot bring ourselves to let go. i know that myself, perfectly well. what can you do? i don't know. hatred is something that cannot be taken away that easily. but i can say, if you are there, maybe that person would know that there are more important things than hatred. that life is worth something much more than that. it is hard to give up hating. but one has to come to terms with that. one has to resolve that matter in her own heart. but, if you are there, although you cannot walk the road for her, you can walk the path with her, right?

having someone to lean upon. this, i am sure, most of us can do. for those in despair, the least we can provide is emotional support. the person in despair is at her weakest, especially emotionally. breaking down is not uncommon. and like that girl, suicide is not uncommon. if we can be there, to show that at least she has someone she can rely on, that at least someone is there for her, maybe, she can see that hope. of course, don't give her the wrong kind of hope. give the correct hope.

a person in despair needs help desperately. it is urgent, and your actions may save a life, literally. if today you see a person in despair, if you can, lend a helping hand. if you can, sit down with her. if you can, walk down the road with her.

so that she can cry. so that she can forgive. so that she can find strength to go on with you supporting her. and finally, so she can go through the night to welcome the day. because eventually, the day will come. and the night will be gone.

today, when i was in the disciple group (to those who don't know, it is like a small group of christian gathering where we study the Bible), we were told to write down 'our future'. well it is not exactly like predicting our future. we were told to write down what we hope to achieve at the end of 4 years, or 6 months. there is a reason to the number 4 and 6 which i will not explain.

everyone began to write down what they hope to achieve. only i was left wondering what to write. oh no, i had came to meet up with this question again.

many times people ask me, what do i want to do in the future? what do i hope to achieve in the future? everyone has dreams, and everyone has their goals. the people i met, they knew what they wanted to do. but i don't. i used to have dreams. big dreams, small dreams, realistic goals, and unrealistic ones. but now, i don't really have a dream.

at some point or another, it seemed i had stopped thinking about the future. you know, for me it is so bad i cannot see where i would be 6 months from now. i cannot even answer people when they ask me about my future. and as usual, i give them some answer which is either very vague or which is made up on the spot.

i don't know why and i don't know how. it is just sudden. few years back, it happened. i cannot see my life ahead. the present and the past are all i had. or maybe, the task God gave me to do, which is to write stories, even though no one bothers to read. no, i am not complaining, because regardless of how many views i get, even if it is zero, writing stories is my hobby and i would do it. life of course, consists of the task God gives us, as well as the our dreams.

as to why do i have no goals? like i said, i don't know. but if i have to give an answer to which i think is the closest i can get to the real reason, it is because i had lost passion in a lot of things. i used to be passionate about many things. making money, getting into relationships, do well in sports, strive to be the top, aim to get into medical school....etc. of course i used to try hard, except for the part about going into medical school, because my results were...well, terrible. but suddenly, i had lost interests in many things, or rather, most of the things.

i am in a place i don't like, doing what i don't like, doing what i am not good at. everyday, waking up, unlike everyone who look forward to a new day, i dread a new day. i think i have said it before, that i like the nights. because the nights signify the end of all the shit. the day means the start of all the nonsense. maybe your life is like mine, maybe not. this kind of life sucks. because it is just like drifting around, doing things for the sake of doing it. without purpose, without passion.

of course, i had asked myself and asked God what am i exactly doing with my life? i am 21 years old this year. people are enjoying the prime of their youth, yet i am wandering around aimlessly, each day represents hours of.... meaningless activities. and the answer that always came into my mind is to trust in the Lord. i guess i have no choice.

if you are like me, i guess you too, have to trust in the Lord. because He knows what He is doing, even when we don't. i hope one day, i am able to come back and make another post to continue this, to tell you that i make the right decision to trust.

no, i am not emo-ing because something happened today. i have been feeling this for years. just that today, the question asked about my future, set me writing this post. my future is a blank, and if yours is like mine, i only can suggest one thing which i am doing right now. ask the Lord to fill in the blanks. i might not like the way how He fills it in, but i know it is the best way to fill it.