About Christianity

i was listening to kitade nana's song 'antoinette blue' just now. it was a beautiful song. nice song. i liked it the first time i heard it. she sings really nice songs sometimes, though not all. to me, a person who doesn't know how to sing, i think she is a talented singer. i have said before in one of my previous post, that she is of my age. if you want to be specific, she is 2 months and 12 days older than me.

and for some reason, i started thinking again. i think i always think about pointless stuffs. or maybe that is why you have this blog to read in the first place.

i started to think, that everybody has at least a talent. something you really excel in. something you do better than most others. cooking, singing, writing, teaching, leading, trading, drawing etc. in this world, some of the people really used their talent to the fullest. bill gates used his talent of business to...well his achievement is for all to see. jrr tolkien used his talent of writing to give many a thrilling dream world. singers (eg mizuki nana, coz i like her, bleahx) sing beautiful songs. actors/actress like keanu reeves starred in movies that made the world excited. artists like picasso gained world fame. these are the few people whom many of us know.

but what about you and me? what is your talent? what is my talent? even if we think we have talent, but is that really a talent at all? you think you have the flair for singing, but do you really sing well? he think he have the talent for drawing, but does that mean he is really good? sometimes, for me, i don't feel that my talent is really a talent at all. sometimes you think you don't really have anything good you can do. and when you finally found something that you could do relatively better than the others, you entered into another world where you see for yourselves how infinitely small you are. as if in that world (say drawing) you are the lousiest, the most not talented person at all.

they say hard work can give you success. of course i admit that is true. a person who works hard can win a person who has talent but does not work very hard. but it meant you have to spend much more time and effort. and when the time comes when you see the talented person decided to work hard, you realized that maybe, afterall, your hard work could only bring you so far.

what is success? what do you want to do with your talent? let the world recognize you? i think, that many of us here will die without many people remembering us. family and friends may remember you. but how big is your family? how many friends do you have? i often think, when i die, how many of those i know would come to my funeral? and then i think, among those who come, how many of them come out of formality? or how many of them really come because i am their friend?

i remember when i was a teenager, i do not have many friends? maybe because i don't know how to socialize. but one reason was that i was not a person people would feel proud to be with. there were pretty girls whom others would like to get near to. there were cool guys people wanted to be friends with. there were boys and girls whom were good in sports or studies. people like to be with them. 'see, they are my friends!' people feel proud to be with them.

i remember there was this popular guy, who came to be friends with me, and eventually became my best friend. he did not mind about my looks, nor my apparent lack of talent in everything. though he was not a christian, he was from what i see, more humble than many christians around, including me.

what is the point of me saying all of these? the post is about talent right? not about my personal life.

about talent, of course we do envy others. why is it that we are all humans, supposedly born equal, are so different? God do love us right? so why is it that this person is better at everything than i am? is this even fair? for every person that stands at the top, there are many others down there, looking up and envying.

maybe, i think i have the answer. of course, this is not the model answer. but maybe it is an answer you could accept. this is not an answer to tell you how to reach the top. it is an explanation to tell you why you can never reach the top.

according to my own opinion, God has a different purpose for all of our lives. for example, leaders. some were born to rule the world. some were born to rule only a state. others were born to lead a community, and some others were born to only lead a small group, ie a church. if one has a talent that far suppassed us, then it must mean God has a plan for him. of course, whether the person used his talent for God's purpose is another thing.

why then, did God not put me in the middle of big plans? why am i only in the center of a small plan? don't ask me that. i am not God. but if i have to answer it myself, for myself, to convince myself, i think that every plan God has is a big plan. how could you tell, that your little action here would not spark a big reaction in the future? who is to say, that being, say a teacher, in a small school would not mean that you would not inspire the next big leader of the century? or that being a doctor in a small hospital, you would not one day save a life that in the future would also become a great man who has a big (positive, i hope) impact to the world?

for all you know, God did not want to give you any extra talent more than you need for His purpose. of course, i have no proof for that. this is just a speculation. maybe, your talent is for a seemingly smaller plan.

i once read a manga (japanese comic), which said: the value of one's life, can be seen from the number of people who cry for him/her when he/she dies. (you would have known which author said that if you read enough manga.) when you die, how many people have you inspired, or affected positively, with the talent given to you? if you can tell yourself you have done your best, i think God will reward you accordingly. but if not, why did you hope to have so much talent in the first place?

well you know, kitade nana's 'antoinette blue' is the song of the day. i cannot stop listening to it.

there are many things in life that would make us envy others, because there are a lot of things others have that we do not have. maybe, you would like to have a more fun childhood compared to what you had. maybe, you want to have a girl/boyfriend when you are the only one in your group of friends who is still single. maybe, you just want to be rich. or cool. or smart. or sporty. or just have a normal healthy body.

there are a lot of things i want which others have, and yet i do not have. sometimes you think life is unfair. why must i be poor when others are rich? or maybe why must i be the one who is not cool or smart enough? or maybe, why must i be the one getting an illness when all the others have a healthy body? are these some of the questions you asked yourself?

everyone has different things. true, compared to some others we might really feel inferior. what i have she also has. what i don't have, she has it. but i think, and although sometimes i envy others, we were not meant to be the same as others. God creates every individual differently. He made us all unique. no 2 people on earth has the same DNA or fingerprint. no 2 people has exactly the same looks. even twins look different. so, similiarly, no 2 people would have exactly the same things. because, if life is to be thoroughly fair, God would have created 4 billion Mr or Miss X instead of 4 billion different people. of course, if you want me to show you proof from The Holy Bible, i do not have it. you see what i say and decide for yourself if i am wrong.

so we see some people who look like they have everything. although i am working, i am still technically a student. so i will give an example from a student perspective. a common perspective. for example: Miss X is pretty, smart, atheletic, popular, rich and there are tons of people who want to make friends with her. on the other hand, Miss Y looks ordinary, is not too smart, not very outdoor person, low profile and just a poor girl. this is not an exaggerated example. in every school there will always be this kind of people. always. well, at least in schools in my country.

so, if i have to say, i would say i belong to the Miss Y group. last time i used to envy others. maybe a little jealous. nothing you can do. if you are not born smart, you cannot make yourself get smarter. you can only get better grades by working harder. if you are not pretty, you cannot get pretty unless you have a huge makeover. but i believe there are other things Miss Y has that Miss X do not have. maybe, the friends around Miss X were just superficial friends, because she is pretty and popular and everyone wants to be with her. maybe, Miss Y friends were true friends, because even though she had nothing to boast about, her friends did not mind. this is just an example. it may not neccessary be true.

so, yes, we have many things we want yet cannot get. girls might not get the smartest boyfriend on earth. guys may not get the sexiest and prettiest girl on earth. you look at others and you dream to be like them. so, in the end, i think we are just wasting our time thinking this kind of thing. God has everything planned out for us. what He meant for us will be for us. what He does not meant to give us, we will not get it. yes, we should work for the things we want. but, if my aim is to get a smart boyfriend or a pretty girlfriend, or to be as smart as my friend or as cool as my peers just because all the others have, i think we are wasting our time.

because everyone is made differently, has a different purpose in life, and therefore the things we get and have are also different. of course, if i live in a war zone, i too would have hope for peace. i too would have dream a day where i could walk in the streets without fear of being blown to pieces.

there are things we cannot get, and some which are hard to get. but in the end, you have to ask yourself, what you dream and work for, is it constructive or neccessary? if i become the most popular in school, would i be truely happy? you might, or you might not. everyone is different. so you have to think, and pray about it, because there are things in life you know that no matter how much you try, how much you pray, how much you ask, how much you hope and dream, you can never get it. just like how, for example, i will never be able to become the smartest person to walk the surface of this earth. simple as that.

out of the so called 7 deadly sins (in no order) - wrath, pride, lust, gluttony, sloth, envy and greed, i guess envy is the one i am more susceptible to, being in the 3rd place if i have to list out in order of the 7 which i am most susceptible to.

well, it is true i have been blessed with many things - a healthy body, a normal family, not living in poverty, did not go through any tragedies, and most importantly, knowing God from a very young age.

but i had many things i had envied others about. and even now, i still do. my teenage life was, well you can say quite messed. no, i did not take drugs or end up in prison or stuffs like that. there were many things that happened, and i didn't really enjoy it. in terms of appearance or popularity, i was part of the chronically uncool (i just love that term, hahas). not cool, not smart, didn't know how to please, not good-looking. you know, the kind of uncool people who keep trying to make themselves cool, and make a fool of themselves without knowing. i envied others when they had a romantic relationship. i envied that they had more freedom. my parents were kind of strict and over-protective, ruling the house like a military. i envied that they have friends who are cool. i envied the fact that they always have many friends, and all i can do is to look at others when they have fun. as part of the uncool, they gave me names and made fun of me. of course, they didn't know what was respect then. maybe i didn't earn it, but let's not talk about that now.

and when i grew older, i still envy others. i envied others who no need to work hard for the things they had. i envied others who has a better life elsewhere. everytime i look at television on school life (be it drama or anime), i thought back about my own. my teenage years had already gone by, and i had wasted, or gone through my teenage life without enjoying anything much. of course, i do have happy times, and i made close friends who were there for me when i was a very uncool person. so, i envied others who had and/or are spending and enjoying their teenage life. to me, i rather work and go out to society than return back to my teenage life, which was supposed to be the part where people enjoy the most.

and then at the same time, i do realize that i had, maybe, be put or intended to live my teenage life like that. i met others now, younger than me, who are also going through the same thing. sometimes, they got disappointed with the way people treat them, sometimes they too envy others who had it better. i realize, that maybe, the way i lived my life like that was to help people after me, going through the same thing. let's not talk about whether the people deserve the treatment, but we can all assume all humans have feelings, and wanted to be treat with respect. i cannot say i did help alot, but i understood what they were going through, much more than many others, because i have been that way too. and now, in my own way, i am trying also to help my friends live and enjoy their teenage life, so they will not regret like i do. i help them not because it is my duty, nor am i trying to be a saint. i help them because i want to, simply that.

late into my teens, i met a guy who took time to help me. i was in spirtual darkness at that time. i was hurt, even though i refused to admit. i didn't realize my own helplessness and lost until he told me something that i could never forget. people look at a new day as a sign of hope and new life, and night as a conclusion. he told me bluntly my own thinking which i did not know, that i look at 'the new day as a start of a day full of shit, and when night comes i thank God that the shit is over.' i smiled at him, not knowing what to say. and i laughed. but i knew he was true. he did many things for me, he showed me care and concern. but i was not used to it, and i kept pushing him away, saying and doing things to push him away. i wanted people to care, yet i was not used to it and pushed it away. what an irony.

2 years later, he left to help others, and moved on with his life. i moved on with my life too. but he showed me light. in my last contact with him, i only wrote on a piece of paper his name, 2 very big words, 'THANK YOU' and my name. no other words can express my gratitude. now i am helping others too, not because i want to be appreciated, but because i know how it feels like, and what impact it can have, to show people that you care. and i can, more than many people, because i had gone through that. no, i am not saying i have gone through a lot in life. like i say, i have a normal family, i live in a decent country, i am not starving and i have not met any tragedies yet. but it doens't deny the fact that there are people who need help, and i can help.

moral of the story? what you are experiencing now may be what God want you to experience, because one day, you may find people who need your help. you may have people to help you too, out of your current situation. but if there is no one, remember God is always there. i am not saying you have to ask Him to take away your sufferings, i am saying you should ask Him for faith and strength to go through his 'training'.