About Christianity

one of the problems many humans face is the problem of letting go. be it a futile romance relationship, be it the past which you got hurt (i am not saying your past hurts are trival), be it an unfulfilled dream... etc.

i guess you are one of them? maybe you are. i know i am one of them. holding too tightly will end up hurting yourself, but we still do that, and refuse to let go sometimes. well the thing is, if we don't let go of somethings, we can never move forwards to a new future.

if you don't let go of a failed / one-sided (romantic) relationship, you will never be able to look forward to another one. if you dont let go of your unfulfilled dream, maybe you will end up wasting your life doing something you can never achieve. if you never let go of your past hurts, you will always be looking back and not dare to try out a new future.

i believe the Bible tells us to let go to. to forgive and forget. remember this famous command? why should we do that to the person who hurts us? at first this might sound demanding and strange. but the thing is if you don't forgive, your mind will always be thinking about that, and you cannot move forwards to the future properly. the same for forgetting the hurt. if you move to the future remembering all your hurts, you will not dare to try new things, and not enjoy life to the fullest. of course i have to say trying out new things also means you have to take caution and protect yourself against whatever or whoever may harm you.

letting go is hard. not everyone can do it. but there are times when we just have no choice but to let go. it may be a little painful, but i guess, once we get over it, it should be ok. so, try, and let go of the things you need to let go. so that you can move forwards to a new future.

I was wandering aimlessly
I kept searching, though I had no clues
Make the memories you gave me
Into a song to heal my heart

Without making promises
Without deciding what words to say
You held me--and then I was certain
We could never go back to those days

---

wandering around aimlessly, without a goal. searching for something, yet had no clue. walking around aimlessly, perhaps, she too, like one of the many people, did not dare to dream again. why? obviously, from the above, she was hurt.

she looked back, and she saw happy memories. we all do look back when we are hurt, right? when we dare not look to the front, and when the present is too difficult, we do look back. and sometimes, we see happy memories. although i had said before that going back to our past and staying there do not help us at all, and instead was harmful, but, the happy memories can heal us.

like the girl said, make the memories she was given into a song to heal her heart. happy memories. they are proof that we once lived in happiness. and because we lived in happiness, we were able to have a true smile. sometimes, you might have discovered, that as we look through our memories, we were able to smile at our own recollections even in the most stressful of times, the most troubling of times. it seems, happiness is not only contagious to those around you, their impact is so great they can come out from the past to bring a smile to your current unhappy face.

why can looking at past memories heal our heart? i don't mean for you to stay and drown in the happy memories and never take a step forward again. that would be harmful.

as we look back and see those times we treasured, we are reminded once again, that maybe, even though we lost the time and could never get it back, we are still able to reach out and grab the happiness waiting for us further ahead of life's road. maybe, we are reminded that we can still live in bliss, instead of the gloomy and dark state we are currently in. maybe, as we look back, and our hearts get lightened up a bit, we find ourselves with the strength to face the reality, and to continue to walk forwards.

the girl had a special someone. and when she was down, he had held her. not saying anything, not promising anything. simply being with her, simply, hugging her. sometimes actions really do worth more than words. just being there is proof to the person that she is important enough that you are willing to spend time with her. hugging her, giving her the comfort she needed, i guess, that means a lot. of course, don't go round hugging girls you are not familiar with. don't ask for trouble.

promises can be broken, and words could be insincere. if you say something, who knows, maybe she may think you are just consoling her and none of the words are true. who knows, maybe if you make a promise, and you cannot keep it, she would think you are just insincere about the whole thing. so, if it is not neccessary, don't say any words if you don't mean it. don't make promises that might get broken. i don't know. maybe the situation demands that you make a promise. maybe, the situation demands that you say something. in that case, as we are all capable of, make your own judgement.

the guy, had gently reminded the woman, that she was not able to go back to those days. those days of her past when she was happy. those days when she felt joy, bliss and happiness. not that she could not experience these emotions again anymore in the future. but that the past is over, and it is gone. gently reminding her that the past is over, and to look over to the future. this, was what the man had did for her.

if we are walking aimlessly, without a goal, not knowing anything anymore, maybe, try to look back at your memories. the happy ones. and then, maybe you will find a source of healing. if you have friends who are hurt, if you can, be with her. there will be no need to promise anything. no need to say anything. being with her, gently reminding her that the future is still bright, that there is a road ahead for her to go on. there are happy memories, but in the end, they are still memories. we can take out and look at them, but not live in them.

and so, with a sincere heart, without even opening our mouths, we can actually help another person to get up on her feet again and walk towards the future.

of course this post is generally meant for those people with normal troubles. extreme problems, well i have not experienced them yet. can't really say much.

before his friend turned into sand, his friend asked him, 'so, what is your wish?'

'i just don't want to lose all these things. i only want, to take back all the happy memories of the past.'

and as he said that, all that was important to him turned into sand and disappeared.

---

this teenage boy, in order to turn the current reality into something like the past, challenged 'god'. his past was that of a happy one, with friends around him, and had little troubles compared to his current situation. but as always, reality is not always beautiful. his important friends were gone, and all he had was a nightmarish reality and loneliness. he did all he could to go back to the past, to revert things back to the previous state. in the end, he challenged 'god'.

how many of us are like that? well, not to the extreme of challenging God. how many of us are stuck in the past, unable to look forwards?

life is beautiful sometimes, and ugly sometimes. if there is happiness, there is sadness. if there are ups, there are downs. success and failure. stress and relief. everyone experience the same thing - joy, grief, victory, loss..etc.

maybe, at your current stage of life, everything looks so bad. so bad you want to despair. so bad, like that boy, you think it is a nightmare. there is nothing in front for you to look forward to. whatever you do, you keep failing. and maybe, finally, you give up hope, and dare not hope anymore.

and when that happens, it is human tendency to look back to the past. to the past when everything was so beautiful. there are many reasons why we do that. maybe it is the only source of strength that lets us go on. maybe we want to go back to that state. maybe, just naturally, as if addicted by drugs, we cannot help but go back to the past where our memories are.

but, i thought, if we cannot let go of the past, we cannot move forwards. if we cannot let go of the past, we cannot face the reality now. in a way, it is like drugs. for a short moment, we thought it would help us go on. but in the long term, it actually makes us despair even more.

why do we still hold on to that past? because, it is very hard to let go. because, the reality we are facing now is too hard for us to bear.

sometimes i am like that too. even though i know i cannot keep on doing this anymore. like that boy, if we continue to do this, if we cannot let go of the past, whether by despair or by desperate attempts to return things to the original state, one day, we are going to lose every single thing important to us.

because, the past can never return to us. that is why, it is called the past.

we need to let go of the past. but letting go does not mean you have to forget them. the past is important. but if we cannot let go, we have no future, and our present is so dark we cannot move on.

talk is easy, right? i thought so. i only know how to talk, so i don't know what to do myself. but i thought, maybe i can introduce you someone who can help you. maybe, i thought, i would introduce you to my God.

if one day, or now, you find your present too dark to go on, your future too uncertain to move forwards, why not ask for help from my God? He knows the way, the past, the present, and the future. if the road is too dark, ask Him to light it up for you. if the future is too blur, ask Him to guide you. i cannot promise you the road He leads you will be smooth. but this i can promise you: He won't give you a road too hard for you to walk. this i can promise you: wherever He led you, there He will be with you too.

let go of your past, so your heart won't hurt anymore. so you can turn your head around, face the front and continue walking. i don't know how long you have to walk, but one day, you will be able to see the light. if you really cannot go on anymore, then ask God for help.

of course, as we walk, we sometimes do look back. i think, it is ok. as long as we don't reach out our hands and try to grab it and turn it to our reality. the past can never be the present.

but i think, maybe, from the present, like what the people in stories always do, we can tilt our head sideways a bit, smile and say to our past, 'i am glad i was there once. it really made me very happy.' or maybe, we can tilt our head sideways, smile and say to our friends, 'i am very happy i once walked this road with you.'

it won't be easy. but this, is the key for us to face the present, and to walk towards the future. so, turn back and smile. don't cry because the past is behind you. at least, you have a past you can look back to.

---

fans may already know this - Mizuki Nana's dad passed away on 29th october 2008. it is on the news. anyway, my deepest condolences. her blog updates will be irregular for now though. for her blog entry on this issue, j1m0ne had done a translation of it on her website. http://atemonai.com/blog/mizuki-nana-on-her-fathers-passing/

today, when i was in the disciple group (to those who don't know, it is like a small group of christian gathering where we study the Bible), we were told to write down 'our future'. well it is not exactly like predicting our future. we were told to write down what we hope to achieve at the end of 4 years, or 6 months. there is a reason to the number 4 and 6 which i will not explain.

everyone began to write down what they hope to achieve. only i was left wondering what to write. oh no, i had came to meet up with this question again.

many times people ask me, what do i want to do in the future? what do i hope to achieve in the future? everyone has dreams, and everyone has their goals. the people i met, they knew what they wanted to do. but i don't. i used to have dreams. big dreams, small dreams, realistic goals, and unrealistic ones. but now, i don't really have a dream.

at some point or another, it seemed i had stopped thinking about the future. you know, for me it is so bad i cannot see where i would be 6 months from now. i cannot even answer people when they ask me about my future. and as usual, i give them some answer which is either very vague or which is made up on the spot.

i don't know why and i don't know how. it is just sudden. few years back, it happened. i cannot see my life ahead. the present and the past are all i had. or maybe, the task God gave me to do, which is to write stories, even though no one bothers to read. no, i am not complaining, because regardless of how many views i get, even if it is zero, writing stories is my hobby and i would do it. life of course, consists of the task God gives us, as well as the our dreams.

as to why do i have no goals? like i said, i don't know. but if i have to give an answer to which i think is the closest i can get to the real reason, it is because i had lost passion in a lot of things. i used to be passionate about many things. making money, getting into relationships, do well in sports, strive to be the top, aim to get into medical school....etc. of course i used to try hard, except for the part about going into medical school, because my results were...well, terrible. but suddenly, i had lost interests in many things, or rather, most of the things.

i am in a place i don't like, doing what i don't like, doing what i am not good at. everyday, waking up, unlike everyone who look forward to a new day, i dread a new day. i think i have said it before, that i like the nights. because the nights signify the end of all the shit. the day means the start of all the nonsense. maybe your life is like mine, maybe not. this kind of life sucks. because it is just like drifting around, doing things for the sake of doing it. without purpose, without passion.

of course, i had asked myself and asked God what am i exactly doing with my life? i am 21 years old this year. people are enjoying the prime of their youth, yet i am wandering around aimlessly, each day represents hours of.... meaningless activities. and the answer that always came into my mind is to trust in the Lord. i guess i have no choice.

if you are like me, i guess you too, have to trust in the Lord. because He knows what He is doing, even when we don't. i hope one day, i am able to come back and make another post to continue this, to tell you that i make the right decision to trust.

no, i am not emo-ing because something happened today. i have been feeling this for years. just that today, the question asked about my future, set me writing this post. my future is a blank, and if yours is like mine, i only can suggest one thing which i am doing right now. ask the Lord to fill in the blanks. i might not like the way how He fills it in, but i know it is the best way to fill it.