About Christianity

If only she could have cried awkwardly,
If only she could have forgiven them at that time,
If only there had been someone she could have leaned on...

In that body that knows nothing
Did night turn into day?

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there are many tragedies in life that many people go through. rape, abuse, murder, war, poverty, starvation, illness, accidents... etc. although i have a very strong tendency to envy other people for what they have and for what i don't, i am actually very grateful to God that so far, i have not met any situations like that. so far, i have not experienced any tragedies that will sink me into despair.

many of us too. we lead a normal life, live a blessed life. although we envy others, we ourselves sometimes know deep down in our hearts that for all the envy we have, for all the 'depressions' we have, for all the frustrations we have, we have not yet been sink into a despair we cannot climb up of. or maybe, we have not even stepped into the swamp of despair before. walking in a rocky road perhaps, but nonetheless a road.

do we know people who sink into despair? maybe the death of someone, maybe a person's own helplessness at being unable to prevent a certain tragedy. maybe a guilt too serious that he/she cannot forgive herself? we all have different limitations. some sink into the swamp quickly, while others took a longer time to sink. but, still, whether quick or slow, it did not make the fact they are sinking any more false.

like the girl (see the opening of this post), she was in despair. she cannot cry, she cannot forgive, and she had no one to lean on. in the end, the day never came. because she never lived through the night to see the day.

we have many emotions, and for every emotion there is a counter emotion. for every positive feeling there is another negative. love and hate. hope and despair. if hope can bring a person back from the 'dead', despair can send a person down to her grave. those of you who had gone through despair before, you would have understood.

the girl, her parents were dead. she could not cry. she could not forgive. she had no one to support her.

the act of crying, is a sign to show others we are weak at that point in time. unfortunately, sometimes people are unable to cry. maybe people don't want to see you in your wreak state. maybe, you just want to show people you are strong. maybe, we think we are not fit to cry (this would be the most logical reason i can come up with). unable to cry not only means we are suppressing our tears, it also means we are suppressing whatever we are feeling inside of us. hiding it, cover it... but we cannot eliminate it. not being able to face ourselves, what can we do?

forgiveness, one of the laws of christianity, is there for a reason. not only because God forgives us, it provides a way for healing. if we cannot forgive, how can we get out of the hurt? maybe i can say that because my parents are not murdered or something. but, if we don't forgive, we cannot move on. just like that girl, she was unable to move on. being stuck in the past, experiencing the pain over and over, until she reached her limit. if only she had forgiven them, she might have been able to see the day.

if only she had someone to leaned on, she might not have died. if she had someone to support her, she might have gone through the crisis. when we are in despair, we fall, and we don't want to pick ourselves up. you feel very tired, as if nothing else matters anymore. as if even if you die, it didn't really make a difference. with no one to help you, with yourself in that swamp of despair, sooner or later, that is going to make you drown. at that time, if someone lent her a helping hand, pull her out of that swamp, she would not have died.

what do i want to say?

of course you can say God is there. but, even though He is there, how many of those sink into despair will take His help? the emotions suppressed inside, the hatred, and the feeling of helplessness - even though God can take it all away, how many of those in despair would let Him do that?

maybe then, if we see someone like that, we can be a bridge to link her/him to God. even if they refuse to believe in God, maybe we can do something.

maybe, she won't let her feelings out in front of you. maybe, she won't cry in front of you. but, at least, if you are there for her, she may have the courage to face herself. she might not know it, but in fact she might be crying really hard in her heart. crying so hard she has no idea when that will stop. and that will not stop as long as she don't face herself. if you are there for her, maybe, you can just give her a little courage that she needs.

forgiveness. some of us find it hard to forgive. even though hating a person is tiring, but sometimes we just cannot bring ourselves to let go. i know that myself, perfectly well. what can you do? i don't know. hatred is something that cannot be taken away that easily. but i can say, if you are there, maybe that person would know that there are more important things than hatred. that life is worth something much more than that. it is hard to give up hating. but one has to come to terms with that. one has to resolve that matter in her own heart. but, if you are there, although you cannot walk the road for her, you can walk the path with her, right?

having someone to lean upon. this, i am sure, most of us can do. for those in despair, the least we can provide is emotional support. the person in despair is at her weakest, especially emotionally. breaking down is not uncommon. and like that girl, suicide is not uncommon. if we can be there, to show that at least she has someone she can rely on, that at least someone is there for her, maybe, she can see that hope. of course, don't give her the wrong kind of hope. give the correct hope.

a person in despair needs help desperately. it is urgent, and your actions may save a life, literally. if today you see a person in despair, if you can, lend a helping hand. if you can, sit down with her. if you can, walk down the road with her.

so that she can cry. so that she can forgive. so that she can find strength to go on with you supporting her. and finally, so she can go through the night to welcome the day. because eventually, the day will come. and the night will be gone.

While wearing a school uniform that doesn't suit me
I'm being swallowed by an overflowing crowd.
I'm at my patience's limit and want to scream.

Even if I open a textbook
The answers aren't written there.

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you ever felt like the girl? doing something that don't suit you, doing something you don't like. being pushed by the crowd, being pushed by society. just because everyone is doing it, we have to do it. just because it is the unspoken rule, we have to obey it. being mixed in with everyone, doing what everyone else is doing, even if you don't like it. i am sure, at one point of time or another, you have felt that.

and then we endure it. endure the hardship, we tell ourselves. everyone is doing it, so can i. then maybe, at one point of time, when you finally cannot take it anymore, when you finally realized everything is pointless, and then your patience is finally worn off, like that girl, you want to scream. scream at who? no one in particular. nothing in particular.

the frustration finally overcame you. you are not made like that. you are not meant to do this kind of thing (say study, or working a particular job). but you realized in the end you could do nothing. you need to be educated to find a better job next time. you need to work to support your family. and in the end, you realized, although it is pointless, although you don't like it, you still have to do it. why? society demands it. unspoken rule. and then you really really want to scream, or to shout. anything, anything to get the pressure out. get the frustration out.

maybe some of us would do a more practical thing. search for answers. what can we do? what should i do? what opportunities are there? you search and you search. like that girl, you cannot find that in your textbooks. the math formulas did not teach you how to solve your life problems. the periodic table of chemistry did not tell you which element is the root of all problems. the physics theories did not tell you which theory you need to apply to get out of the mess. and biology only tells you it is only the hormones which screwed up.

no answers. the teacher did not teach you. the textbook is useless. for all that you learn, you still end up here. for all that you try, you are still in a mess. and you really really don't know what to do anymore. and once again, you realized, that screaming is also useless. throwing things, shouting, eating pills...they don't solve your problems.

in the crowd, you are the only odd one out. maybe, that is true. maybe, that is not. maybe, everyone is thinking like you. but, nobody notices. because you, like everyone else, despite your helplessness and frustration, is forcing yourself to walk forwards one more step. keep up with the crowd. go along with them. and so, collectively, we move forwards, each ignorant of the screams of the person walking beside you.

where is this going to lead to? you tell yourself, to a better future. that is why you are trying so hard. to a better future? i hope so. if not, for all the effort you put in, for all the suffering you go through, what is it for? but the future is not certain. it is not like you apply the differentiation formula you are sure to get the gradient of a graph. nobody knows what the future is like. we can increase our chances of making sure our future happens, but nobody knows for sure. nobody knows. '100 correct steps to reach the top, one wrong step to fall'. you heard that before?

then what are we working for? what are we suffering for? if not for a better future, then what?

i don't know. and i will never know. God knows. He knows why you are walking that path you don't like. maybe, it is His plan. maybe, it is because you don't listen and you take a wrong step.

what is ahead of us? we don't know. God knows. but because He knows, we can look to Him for help. maybe, He won't show us the road ahead of us. maybe, He will only tell us to walk and trust in Him. but because He knows the way, we can trust in Him. step by step, little by little, He will give us the strength we need to continue walking. or maybe, He will bring us to an unknown road that He believes is the correct road for us.

and as we walk with Him, maybe we are still suffering. but, we will not be wearing the wrong kind of uniform anymore. maybe, we would still want to scream. but, He has the answers the textbooks did not have. maybe, we are at our patience's end, but He will turn you into a more patient person. the road might be hard, but He knows the way.

so, believe in Him. so you won't need to scream at your own helplessness. so you won't need to search the textbooks for the answers that are not there. so you won't need to wear a uniform that does not suits you.

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am i repeating my message over and over again in my blog? oh well...

there are many things in life that would make us envy others, because there are a lot of things others have that we do not have. maybe, you would like to have a more fun childhood compared to what you had. maybe, you want to have a girl/boyfriend when you are the only one in your group of friends who is still single. maybe, you just want to be rich. or cool. or smart. or sporty. or just have a normal healthy body.

there are a lot of things i want which others have, and yet i do not have. sometimes you think life is unfair. why must i be poor when others are rich? or maybe why must i be the one who is not cool or smart enough? or maybe, why must i be the one getting an illness when all the others have a healthy body? are these some of the questions you asked yourself?

everyone has different things. true, compared to some others we might really feel inferior. what i have she also has. what i don't have, she has it. but i think, and although sometimes i envy others, we were not meant to be the same as others. God creates every individual differently. He made us all unique. no 2 people on earth has the same DNA or fingerprint. no 2 people has exactly the same looks. even twins look different. so, similiarly, no 2 people would have exactly the same things. because, if life is to be thoroughly fair, God would have created 4 billion Mr or Miss X instead of 4 billion different people. of course, if you want me to show you proof from The Holy Bible, i do not have it. you see what i say and decide for yourself if i am wrong.

so we see some people who look like they have everything. although i am working, i am still technically a student. so i will give an example from a student perspective. a common perspective. for example: Miss X is pretty, smart, atheletic, popular, rich and there are tons of people who want to make friends with her. on the other hand, Miss Y looks ordinary, is not too smart, not very outdoor person, low profile and just a poor girl. this is not an exaggerated example. in every school there will always be this kind of people. always. well, at least in schools in my country.

so, if i have to say, i would say i belong to the Miss Y group. last time i used to envy others. maybe a little jealous. nothing you can do. if you are not born smart, you cannot make yourself get smarter. you can only get better grades by working harder. if you are not pretty, you cannot get pretty unless you have a huge makeover. but i believe there are other things Miss Y has that Miss X do not have. maybe, the friends around Miss X were just superficial friends, because she is pretty and popular and everyone wants to be with her. maybe, Miss Y friends were true friends, because even though she had nothing to boast about, her friends did not mind. this is just an example. it may not neccessary be true.

so, yes, we have many things we want yet cannot get. girls might not get the smartest boyfriend on earth. guys may not get the sexiest and prettiest girl on earth. you look at others and you dream to be like them. so, in the end, i think we are just wasting our time thinking this kind of thing. God has everything planned out for us. what He meant for us will be for us. what He does not meant to give us, we will not get it. yes, we should work for the things we want. but, if my aim is to get a smart boyfriend or a pretty girlfriend, or to be as smart as my friend or as cool as my peers just because all the others have, i think we are wasting our time.

because everyone is made differently, has a different purpose in life, and therefore the things we get and have are also different. of course, if i live in a war zone, i too would have hope for peace. i too would have dream a day where i could walk in the streets without fear of being blown to pieces.

there are things we cannot get, and some which are hard to get. but in the end, you have to ask yourself, what you dream and work for, is it constructive or neccessary? if i become the most popular in school, would i be truely happy? you might, or you might not. everyone is different. so you have to think, and pray about it, because there are things in life you know that no matter how much you try, how much you pray, how much you ask, how much you hope and dream, you can never get it. just like how, for example, i will never be able to become the smartest person to walk the surface of this earth. simple as that.