About Christianity

looking back is something all humans had done. well i don't know whether Jesus had done it. i am referring to all normal humans, like you and me. looking back, in this case does not mean thinking back to the old days where you were having fun or when you were suffering. looking back here means wanting to go back to the past, or maybe, wondering how it would be like if you did not take the road you are walking now.

as long as we are humans, we do make choices. for some of us, we have a lot of free choices we can make. for some of us, we are in situations where choices are not that much available to us. but whatever we do, we make choices. the simplest thing to choose, is the choice to live. the fact that you are here now, reading this post, simply means that for now you have at least made the choice to live. or maybe you can choose now whether to continue reading this post or not.

in my life, and i am sure for you too, there will be big choices that we have to make. getting married, choosing a job, deciding which house to buy, planning for a family. these are all big choices, at least for me. for some of the choices, the consequences are not that big. for some, it is very big. and a lot of times, we do not know what to do. despite given a choice, we don't know what to choose.

some of us decide to listen to people for advice. some of us have our choices determined by others. such as a boy or a girl would go to the school his or her parents decided. some of us would ask God to decide for us. the rest, well i guess it is either you make your own choice or you let the circumstances or 'fate' take you.

but as we walk along the road that we chose, inevitably there will be some problems in our lives. maybe it is a few, maybe it is many. some may be small problems, others may be a disaster. then we begin to think, what if, what if that day were to repeat and we choose the other road? what would have happened? maybe we would be more successful. or maybe we would be richer.

if you choose the road you regret now based on human wisdom or just 'fate', then i guess your wisdoms or the so-called 'fate' of yours is a bit wrong. if we listen to God, then i guess i can say something.

you know, when we let God decides, we are telling Him that He knows everything and we trust Him. at that time, i am sure He did not promise everything would be smooth sailing. i guess He probably only told you it would be the best for you. however we know that there is no free lunch in this world. to have something you have to work for it. so to get the success along that road, most probably you would suffer a little bit. well, the love and grace God gives you are free (but by no means cheap). you know what i am talking about, i hope.

we look back. yes. we think if at that time we did not listen to God, what would happen? the israelites thought of the same thing too when they got out of egypt. you know, the thing is, even if you look back, it is too late to do anything now. the chance is gone. the past is over. and it is the present now. what we have to be concerned about is the present and the future.

i know that God knows the future. and you know that too. just that sometimes maybe it is really difficult to walk down that road. so far, among all the decisions i had let God chose for me, i dare say i have not regretted even once.

true, sometimes i do think back and wonder. but to me, it is just for amusement. even when i am not in a very happy state, i don't want to think for real what if i had chosen another road. because, the reasons are simple.

1. i don't want to lose faith in God.
2. if the best road God chose for me is already this hard, what will happen if i don't listen to Him?
3. there is no point (like i said above)
4. thinking back will only make you lose confidence in the present and all motivation to work.

of course when i said i did think back, i thought it in a way like just for fun. i am not serious in regretting this road i have chosen. or maybe, i should say, in all my happy life i have not walked down a road hard enough for me to think that way.

you know, you have trusted God to make a decision for you. and you have walked down the path for a period of time, i assume? since you have walked it for quite some time, why not let God bring you through the rest of the path? you may not know where it leads to, but as long as the one in control knows, then i guess it is all right. at least for me, it is all right.

looking back for fun is ok, but seriously regretting choosing God's way is not. if we do this, we are doubting Him, or maybe we are blaming Him for giving us such a hard life. i think, that is not a very good thing. if we are in a mess, we should just ask for more help. that's all. have faith. if that is not enough, ask for more faith. keep asking, keep praying, until you get enough strength and faith for you to walk down that path.

ok now, i have to continue walking this path that God chose for me. i am going to study for a test, then i will think of a way to increase my income. i don't even know why i am doing all these. but since God chose it, i should just walk. that's all.

anyway, just a little bit of advertising. i have set up a little blog shop. you see the top of the page, there are some links. click on the 'blogshop' link to see what i have to sell. sorry though, it is only for singaporeans.

'i don't understand. i don't understand at all. i don't know why i am doing all these.'

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sometimes, inevitably, we will hear such things, or perhaps say such things. and after saying such things, the person usually always comes up with his or her own answer.

'because it is neccessary.'

that's the answer. it doesn't feel right. there is nothing to be happy about. but still we do the things we need to do.

as long as we are humans, there are times when we felt trapped in a certain kind of situation, be it one or more. a middle-aged man trapped in a job which he cannot quit because he has a family to support. a student studying something he does not like, because that path he takes will give him many more opportunities in the future. a soldier in a war zone killing people, despite not liking it but for the sake of protecting his own land had no other choice.

there are many more examples. i am sure, that you are in one of the many examples, be it now or last time. as long as you are reading this, i take it as you are at least a teenager. not that i am discriminating against children. just that, children usually do not have the patience to do things like reading a boring blog like mine.

as humans, naturally we will try to find a way out. even if we do not like it, everyday we drag our feet walking this path that we had chosen, be it willingly or not. because we need to walk that path. so what do people usually do? sometimes they try to find joy in it, which is theoretically impossible for you, because if you could have done that, you would not be feeling this way. sometimes we complain. they say voicing out your unhappy thoughts help. or maybe you try to escape.

what do i do? i think i choose to escape. to where? maybe to the world of stories. as you know, i love to write and to read stories. as all those who are like me, you all know stories usually provide a reality that we can never get. it is a place for us to dream and to get detached from this reality that we usually felt so burdened of. i think, this kind of escape is kind of addictive. i find myself ditching my work to read stories, to read manga or to watch anime.

of course, this is a bad example. all humans need a place to destress. but doing it too much like me will end up neglecting the work. for example i have a 9 day school holiday. and today is the 8th day. i just found myself successfully wasting 8 days of my precious youth doing nothing but the following: read stories, watch anime, write stories.

as a result i have neglected my work. i don't even know what i am doing here blogging. i feel a need to waste time. waste my precious youth away. then when the time comes i will be desperate and try to bring myself back to where i should be in this real life.

as a christian, what should i do? i remember my pastor said something about that some time ago. but being a person with not very good memory, i had totally forgotten about it. so let me say it in my own way, in my own opinion. and as usual, you decide for yourself whether i am right or not.

you know, i think, for all our situations, God put us there. He has a purpose for us. so, if we are there, i think, we should do our best, and do what we should do. talk is easy, i know. i myself don't do it. instead of solving the pile of number theory questions i have on my table i am here blogging about wasting my life away.

anyway, we have to know why God wants us there. if you don't know, then you should pray. my experiences tell me if you pray long enough, sincerely enough, He will definitely answer you. and if you know why you are there, then try to complete what you have to do. maybe it is something insignificant as doing a boring job or studying all the funny math equations, but if this is what you should do, then we have to do it well. (i myself don't do it. haix.)

if you don't know, then you have to see your path step by step. the chinese have a saying which goes '船到橋頭自然直'. basically it means that when the time comes, things will sort out by itself. i certainly wish for that to happen. if i don't study, i wish a miracle will fall from the sky and grant me a pass or maybe a distinction for my exams. if i don't work, i hope at the end of the month my bank account will miraculously by the amount of my monthly (or even better, annual) pay.

i think, maybe in christianity, it just translates to: 'if you follow God, He will take care of you. and when the time comes, He will provide a way.' Yeapx, that's what i think it is. of course, you have to follow Him. sometimes we all feel so trapped in a situation. but all we need to do is to just follow God, and trust in Him. that is what it means to be a christian, i guess. if we cannot even believe in our God, i guess there is no one else we can rely on.

so, today when you read this, if you felt trapped, turn to God and seek His guidance. i don't know how it will turn out. but if you follow Him faithfully, when the time comes, it will work out according to His plan.

of course, as usual i am talking from the point of a normal human with normal problems. if your problems are so big that nobody else could understand, so painful that you think there is no God, then maybe my post is just a pile of useless words jumbled up together. but you know, if you are like that, i can only do 2 things for you. the first: to ask you to pray to God. the second: to pray for you. that's all i can do. afterall, a normal human can never understand the sufferings of a more-than-normal pain. but still, i hope you get the answer you are looking for.

now, should i do more integration or should i continue to write my story? for now, let me waste a few more minutes by checking through this blog one more time for any errors.

'when i learnt of the truth for the first time... i decided... even if we are an illusionary existence... i still want to protect my clan... for this purpose... regardless of the methods used... regardless of what i have to throw away... regardless of who i kill... i don't care... i will definitely not allow anyone to destroy... the land which even though the people who reside in it are illusionary lives that are created, the land other than which they have no other place to go... even if my methods are evil, the glory and prosperity now... the kingdom of mibu... mibu's future... i want to protect with my own hands!'

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do you have things you want to protect? things that are precious to you, things that you definitely, absolutely do not want to lose? or maybe is there something you need to do? something you have to do, no matter what.

every sane and normal human on earth has a reason behind his or her actions. regardless of good or evil, moral or immoral, without a doubt, we act with a reason or motive. bad people do bad things. that is what we were taught to believe in, when we were growing up. and we were taught also to believe that good people do good things. or rather, the people who do good things are good people. but as we grow up, we realize that good people do bad things too.

i am not referring to bad things as sin. of course measuring by God's standard we are all bad. i am using the human standards and moral values. good people do bad things. or should i say, not all who do bad things are bad people?

as we see the situations and events which unfold from the sidelines, as like we are reading manga, we can observe everything with a clear mind. but when we are in the situations ourselves, we always judge by what our eyes see. because it is easier that way. because, we don't want to understand others. because, like what another person said, 'everyone is right in his own eyes.' i thought, maybe, we are like that too. we are always right. and others are always wrong.

anyway, that was off-topic.

the problem with all of us is that, we are only humans. we are humans with limited knowledge, limited power, limited wisdom, limited understanding...etc there is nothing about us that is perfect. on the other hand, you can be glad that none of us are perfectly evil. at least not that i know of.

and because we are humans with both good and bad sides, sometimes we have good intentions. like fubuki (the man who said all that above), sometimes we did not know what else we could do to fulfil this good intention of ours. desperately, we want to achieve something. maybe it is for ourselves. maybe it is for someone else. maybe, it is for the world. who knows?

whatever the case, we assume it is a good intention. but because we are only humans, there are things that we are not capable of. there are things that cannot be done if we do not harden our hearts. there are things that requires us to be cruel... etc. at least, according to human knowledge and the operating style of this world, that is true. we are humans in this world, and we suscribe to the system of this world one way or another. that is our natural instinct. and when we become christians, we don't operate the way the world operates.

i had sidetracked again.

anyway, if we have good intentions, but our actions are evil, then will we achieve anything? i don't know. never tried that before. but i thought, that if we want to do something good and nice, then, shouldn't there be a better way? because, somehow, it is sad to be like that. it is somehow sad to do bad things for the sake of achieving a good thing.

i don't know about you, but this is how i feel.

so, as humans we have limited skill and power. but we need to get something done. it is desperate. what can we do? i thought, maybe, ask God. if we want to do something good, there is a chance that it is according to His will. if you want to do something bad like killing another person, i can almost say that it is not according to His will.

and if what we want to achieve is according to His will, then i am sure He will respond to you. in what manner, i don't know. in how long, i don't know too. but i do know that He hears your prayer. if it is God, then with our limited power, limted skill, limited wisdom, limited understanding...etc we can still accomplish something without having to do evil. because it is God, miracles are not surprising.

maybe i have no right to say it since i have never fought for something so desperately that i would disregard the cost of achieving it. but you know, even if i sound like a hypocrite, i have to say, that doing evil is wrong, regardless of the intention.

and again, maybe i don't really understand what i am saying, and that i am just spewing out some self-righteous nonsense. but i think, if we want to do something good, we should just ask God. when people turned to all sorts of ways to accomplish their own goals, it is when you know your burden is too heavy for you to carry. it is when you are almost collapsing under the weight. and then, like what you should do long ago, you should turn to God and ask Him to help you carry part of the load.

you are not alone. even if the whole world rejects you, God is still with you. the most powerful, the wisest, the Creator of all things is with you. there is no need to be scared. no need to worry. no need to do evil to accomplish something good. God is with you.

all these while i have assumed you to have good intentions. so if you are desperate, and is looking on the side of evil to reach your goal, don't do that. turn to God. there is no need to carry everything yourself. there is no need to do evil. trust in God. and then you will see a miracle, most probably. i don't know what God wants to do.

whatever you do, turn to God and trust Him.

do you know what is the one thing all humans strive for at one time or another, even up to the point of their death? different people have different answers. but for me, the answer is freedom. everyone is trying to be free.

when we were young, we studied hard in schools so that with our results, we can have the freedom to choose the next school we want to go to and the courses we want to go. when we were older, we worked hard for money, so that we can spend as we want without worry. there are some who hold on to positions of powers, so that they can do what they want. it did not matter whether the intention is good or bad. in the end, everyone is trying to seek for the freedom to do whatever they want. isn't that so? i thought so.

to be free, we sacrificed a lot of things. step by step we walked towards that freedom we want. and when we reached the end of the road, we looked forwards and we say, 'hey! there is this new set of freedom i want!' and we ran towards that goal. again and again, again and again, we repeat this cycle. until when? maybe to our deaths. maybe, just before we die, we were struggling with disease, trying to be free from all health problems. or when we give in to illness, we just want to be free from suffering.

in a way, we are free to choose what we want. in a way, we are not free, because we are all rushing towards that goal. am i contradicting myself? i don't know. maybe i am. maybe i am not.

and if you realized, that if we go along with the system of this world, we can never be free. bill gates may be the richest man on earth, but he isn't free from some other things we may not know of. some tribal king elsewhere may be the most powerful in his own area, but he isn't free from stuffs like potential war. we are striving towards a goal we can never achieve.

then i thought, maybe there is another kind of road towards freedom we can take. as usual, this is a christian blog. if i don't preach, the existence of this blog would be invalid.

God offers us a freedom. not freedom from sickness. not freedom from financial problems. it is freedom from sin. we are born into this world, and naturally the sin of this world has a hold on us. it is in our nature to sin. and as we walk down the path of sin, maybe what we see will be a road towards freedom. but in actual fact, it is not. in actual fact, maybe it is a web of chains slowly wrapping itself around us. and then we sink into the swamp of anything except freedom.

God offers us a life free from sin. of course, we are humans. and we do sin sometimes. christians are humans. christians are not God. but at least, we know when we are wrong. we know that we should repent. we know the consequences of sinning.

if we stop sinning and obey God, maybe we will still have worldly problems. but i think, their impact may not be as great as before. because God is with us. actually He is with us whether we like it or not. He gives us a kind of freedom we cannot achieve on our own. i guess, if i have to say, it is spiritual freedom.

once you know what is truly important to you, maybe the freedom of this world that you seek may not be so important afterall. because there is another kind of freedom waiting for you when you die. there is freedom of peace in your heart when you follow God. as if, this kind of freedom is the greatest freedom of all. that to get this freedom, you won't mind anything else. the freedom we have when we follow God. yes, in my opinion, this freedom is a freedom more valuable, more precious and more important than any kind of freedom.

maybe we can have lots of power. maybe, we can have lots of money. maybe, we are healthy. but if we have these kinds of freedom only yet still got entangled in the web of sin, then we are not really free. our eyes tell us we are free, but in actual fact we may be sinking.

maybe if we follow God we may not have a lot of achievements in terms of the human measurement. but, this freedom that God gives us, it allows us to walk freely. maybe we are poor. maybe we are weak. or maybe we are sick. but at least, along the road of life, we can walk freely. at least along this road of life which we only walk once, in this short road, we can find happiness. because we are free.

i don't know about you. but to me, this is the true freedom. maybe to you i am still an immautre person who haven't seen the world. but to me, this is freedom. what is your freedom? the freedom that in order to get, you can sacrifice everything else? a freedom that in order to get it, you can sacrifice your money, your pride, your prestige... what is this freedom you are looking for?

if you haven't found it, i would like to introduce you to my God. i am sure He will be able to tell you the meaning of true freedom. and then, you will be free, if you walk with Him.

instead of an alarm clock, i used my handphone/cellphone's alarm to wake me up everyday. it plays a very nice and soothing piano music which i added myself, so i can wake up without having a foul mood. the default music are usually quite, lame. i usually don't like to wake up, because i sleep late and have to wake up early. and then, i have to drag myself forcibly out of bed after snoozing for 30 minutes.

the phone i used is a sony ecrisson phone. as all users of the phone know, the alarm sound gets louder and louder by the second if one did not stop it. and then it will continue until it hits its maximum volume and then stop after a while. then it will restart the cycle in 9 minutes.

i was sleeping late as usual one night and had to wake up early the next morning, so i set the alarm. what was surprising was that i only woke up when the alarm hits maximum volume and i got a shock and jumped out of bed. because i was not really awake i had to run around the room and search the phone before finally remembering where i put it.

you know, the maximum volume is really loud, even in the day. if you talk about the very early morning, where there was not really any noise around since everyone is sleeping, the quiet is really different from the quiet in the day. any little noise can seem loud. needless to say, even though my alarm music was a piano music, that sound rang through the whole house. i was amazed at myself that i can actually slept past one alarm.

when i finally thought back about this incident some time later, i found out that sometimes our life is like that. maybe we get too engrossed in our life. and we neglect something important. or maybe we are sinking too deep in our sins. and we cannot hear the call of God, or the warning He sent. His warning is like the alarm clock, and we being too engrossed is like we are sleeping.

sometimes what we do affects only us. but there are many times when it affects other people as well. our life is ours, but what we do with our lives affect other people's life. you know, that alarm clock in my room, i am sure it disturbed my siblings and my parents. i don't know about you, but in my house, the air-conditioner is seldom used. even if it is a very hot day, we usually use a fan and open the windows and doors for ventilation. as such, any sound can easily reach them, particularly a very loud sound in the wee hours of the morning.

in our life, sometimes our sin hurts others. or should i say most of the time? it is just, whether the others say it or not. sometimes, because of our stubborness we caused others a great deal of trouble. like that alarm which can caused others to wake up, our sins can cause others to be forced out of their ordinary peaceful lifestyle.

let's not talk about others now. we talk about ourselves. our sin, ultimately affects us the most. we have to answer for our thoughts, actions and words one day. we may hurt others in the process, but in the end we are the one affected the most. we are like a person sinking into sleep if we keep sinning. and God is like the alarm to wake us up to the real world, to what is important when we sink too deep.

like the alarm, He will usually, in my experience, start off from a small warning that gives a larger and larger sound with more urgency. He does not, in my experience, gives off one big warning right from the start. He gives us chances and time to set the situation back to what it used to. of course, there are many situations that are irreversible. you cannot unhurt a person. but you can turn back to the spiritually healthy person you used to.

so today, if you hear the alarm, remember to wake up and turn it off. if not, when the alarm gets louder, you might get a shock too big for you to handle. and you will most probably disturb other people too. so, if you hear the alarm today, don't ignore it. the alarm is there for a reason. it is there so that you can know what is important to you. so you can listen to the alarm and then one day, you can get to heaven and spend eternity with God.