About Christianity

i have a life that i think is a bit more tedious than most people around me. maybe i am still in the period when i can still feel the whole world is on my shoulders when i only have a very tiny problem. you know, i kind of miss the days when i can wear a face of tragedy for just a tiny problem. of course, the purpose of this post is not to complain how hard my life is. i would have done that in the 'random' blog instead of this 'christianity' blog.

hahax but of course i cannot compare to my idol... mizuki nana-chan. she is a seiyuu (for games, anime, drama cds, dub movies...etc), sings, perform in concerts, go to radio talkshows, variety shows on television, appears in magazine... and who knows what else she does? i don't even know if she actually has free time. *respect*

hey you people, don't complain you have no time! but maybe allow me, this immature person to complain. because when i grow a little older i cannot do that anymore. and because i can, since this is my blog.

to those who know me personally and are closer to me, you will know why compared to most people i have double the workload. for those who don't, i don't plan on saying. like i say, this post is not about that.

hmm but i guess i need to give some background. for simplicity's sake, take it that i am studying in the morning and working at night. you know, for me, to come back home when the sun is still up is a very happy thing for me. you know, going out when the sun is not fully up, and coming back when people are sleeping is not a very happy thing. and i have been going through that for nearly 3 years now. what a long time huh... (hey i am still eligible to be immature just for a tiny bit longer! let me complain a bit more about my life.) to think i said i am not complaining.

anyway, for the last thing, sometimes when i hear people around me complaining 'work is hard', or 'school is really tedious', in my heart i sincerely wish, that i can be like those who complain. i really, really wish for that. and to some extent, i really envy them.

now i will come to the main post. the purpose of this post is to tell you to look at things from another perspective, and i will give you my personal experience for that, which is why i told you a little background about my life, which i would otherwise not tell.

my friends always said i am pessismistic. in fact everywhere i go, i have the reputation of being the most pessismistic person, be it in classes, in groups, or whatever. however i would like to think i am being realistic. so maybe to those who know me personally, you might really be a little shocked to see me writing this post. but well, thank God, because He taught me how to count my blessings. although even for now, i am still considered very pessismistic by my friends.

so, let's start.

the cliche goes. it is always good to count your blessings. because cliches always work, that's why they became cliches. i have to say, that despite my busy schedule and not so ideal lifestyle, when i have counted my blessings and understood that there are other things rather than those 'pain-in-the-ass' stuffs, i am not so envious of others anymore.

i mean, i do still envy what others have sometimes that i do not have. but i also know that because of this lifestyle of mine, i have things that others don't have. things that people are willing to trade for in order to be the same as me. of course, the things they wanted only limit to the good things and not those other less-than-ideal things.

because of my lifestyle for the past 3 years, i don't really have much time where i can use it to do stupid things. this is the conversation between one of my friends and me (in chinese translated to typical singlish):

me: wha full time university students so free. doing stupid things like painting a banner for an event.

friend: they have time what...

me: but you know... i wish i can do stupid things like that too. waste my time... i really wish i can do that.

friend: ya, me too. but our lives don't allow us that.

this is the kind of things my friends and me wanted to do. simple things like this are what we want. of course, when people asked me out, i have to reject them many times, because of my work. i missed out a lot of fun in exchange for something else. that is not to say our lives are very bad. like i said, i have gained many things too. and one of the important things is friends.

i have gained close friends which many people do not have. i have friends who trust me enough to call me out and cry in front of me. i have friends who confided many of their personal problems to me. friends who would go out of their way to help me. hmm how do i say... there are many more things about our friendship. they are closer than many of the other people i met elsewhere. and they have given me a lot of happy memories too. for the past 3 years, they have added colorful pages to my life's book.

and i ended up telling you my life, when i decided that i would not say too much about my personal stuffs. what is the moral of the story? you know, there are times when life is really hard. when you want to give up. sometimes it is not that because we are weak, it is that the problem is too big. ok it ended up with we are weak, not strong enough to carry the burden. but i think, no one is able to carry all the burdens that are assigned to him or her. burdens, we can share with our friends, not only by confiding, but by practical help. we can ask God for help too. but bear in mind always that God is not your genie. i made a post on that too. or was it 2 posts?

and when life is really hard, we always tend to see the negative things. like for me, i focus on the negative things too. things that people have which i don't. things i really want to have or do. not that you are deceiving yourself, but once you count the blessings you have, the things you have, you would realize that you are still living a happy life. like i said many times, living an ordinary life, grumbling about life and stress... they are in a way, happiness. see my previous posts (i forgot which one exactly) for a detailed explanation.

you would realize that, in this hard life, there is something that can support you. something that pushes you forwards, maybe with or without you knowing it. thinking back, it may be because of this little and seemingly tend-to-be-overlooked things that guided me through the past 3 years of my life.

you know, for all my grumbles, i am actually very happy about my own life. i do grumble, and i do complain. but like all the smiles and joys, these little unhappy stuffs, to me, they are part of the 'ordinary and happiness of life package'.

so, after a big round, what i want to say is... count your blessings. enjoy your life. appreciate what you have. and for the n-th time i am saying this, remember that somewhere out in the world, there are many people who would gladly trade their lives with yours, adding 10 times more your suffering. lastly... thank God. because, no matter how stressed and problematic our lives are, we are not one of the people in the war-torn countries, not one of the citizens in a country raided by poverty and sickness, not one of the folks in a land corrupted by violence and drugs. despite what we are going through, we are experiencing happiness.

that's all.

'yukimura, i have a dream. during spring, (i want to) sit at the porch drinking tea that sakuya prepared. at the same time having conversations like 'the sakura flowers are budding over there,' and 'the sakura flowers are blossoming over here.' and then i will farm during summer or autumn. we do not need too much (food), but only enough for us to eat. but sometimes, i will squeeze out some money, and go out to the streets to buy the dumplings that sakuya loves most. during winter, kyo will definitely come to our place to stay. cheap... cheap sake will do, because the main dish will be the stories of kyo's adventures. then spring will come again. and it will repeat itself again and again... together with sakuya...'

'heh, it sounds good.'

'it's wimpy, right? if it is kyo, he would scold me, 'what is so fun about that?' he would most probably say that. but... i am really, more than anyone else, wishing for sakuya's happiness. i think... if i am able to do that for her, then it will be great.'

---

those who read manga might find this scene familiar. the man who wished for such a simple life, to live with the one he loved, was one of the most powerful person on earth, so powerful that in the story he could be called god.

i made a similar post before, titled 'a normal life'. well this is somewhat like that, just that it is only a little different. maybe i have run out of things to say, and have to keep repeating myself.

when i was young, i told myself that when i grow up i would make lots and lots of money. i want to do whatever i want, buy whatever i want. probably because during that time i could not buy the things i like. at that time, i could only watch as my friends had the things they wanted, and i could only stand one side and envy them.

i told myself that i definitely do not want a simple life. i want a glorious life, a life with wealth and riches. it actually continued that way for a long long time. at that time i still did not understand why would people want a simple life. but i don't know why, maybe God opened my eyes a little and showed me what is really important. gradually, i began to give up on that dream.

not that i want to remain poor. i want to have money too. it is just that, i am not so persistent about getting very rich. maybe enough money so i would not have to worry about things like housing loan, medical fees, insurance...etc. slowly, i realized that money is just a way to gain happiness. it is not happiness in itself.

you know if your happiness can be sustained by say, 10 dollars. then you would not need to desperately earn 100 dollars. everything here on earth will fade away one day. and one day we are going to die. and if we die, what do you want to bring with you?

you can't bring away money. you can't bring away all your assets. what you can bring, is your memories. i don't want to die with lots of money left behind but nothing in my memory. i rather die a poor person but with lots of precious memories. because i only live life here once. whether i go to hell or heaven after that, i don't know. but for now, i want to make as much happy memories as i can. what about you?

what is it that makes you happy? being together with the one you love? to be free from all the worries of reality? to be able to fulfil your childhood ambition? everybody has a different dream. maybe you cannot do that on your own. but maybe you can ask God for help, if it is according to His will.

maybe, a simple life is good. like what the man said, he would rather farm than be the most powerful 'god' ruling all over the world. he would rather live in a poor house than to live in a palace full of riches, because in that small little place of his he can find happiness.

i realize that many times we are working hard for money because we know it opens the door to freedom (see previous post titled 'freedom'). but during the course of it, the money which is the key to the door, becomes the door itself. we thought if we have more, we are happy. many of us, along the way, forgot what we wanted. or maybe we never knew what we wanted in the first place. many of us, desperately try to earn money, so that if we found a door we can have the key ready to unlock it.

but is that a good way? what if we never find the real door we want to unlock? then what can we do? listen to human advice and take the doors of others as our own? no. even then, we will not be happy. i thought, maybe, we should ask God.

God created us. and He is God. since He knows everything, He definitely knows about you too, more than you yourself. it feels funny huh, to know that you do not know yourself really well. it is somehow, an irony. but in any case, you can ask God. He created you, and He knows which road is the road of happiness for you.

it may sound funny or stupid, but you may find happiness even if you are living a hard life. like the example i gave, doing farming is a hard life. but that was his dream, to live a life with the woman he loved. living in a palace as a god is an easy life, but he was not happy. you get what i mean? i don't know if it still sounds contradicting to you. but i hope not.

my friend once told me that, 'don't think that those poor people are not happy. they are actually very happy.' in reply i told her, 'i have no doubt that they are happy. but if it is me, i will be happier with more money.'

that was what i thought. and until now, i think so too. money is not everything, but it definitely can make life easier. if i do not need to sacrifice my happiness, i would not mind more money. some of you have difficulties. if you don't earn enough, your family will starve, and your kids cannot go to school. it is hard. having to pay for my own school fees, i kind of understand a little of the burden. but you know, God takes care of us, remember? if you hand it over to Him, according to my life experience, He will do something about it. but of course, you cannot just laze around and let Him do all the work. you have to put in effort too. i hope i am not wrong in saying that.

back to the main topic. if you let God take control, He will show you the way to happiness. maybe it is a simple life, or a hard life, or a luxurious life. who knows? but i know, that road, will definitely be a road to happiness. so, today, if you don't know where to go, let God show you the way. ask Him to walk with you. and i hope along that road to happiness, you can fill up your memories of this life. memories that will be with you after you die. memories that you will always be able to keep. (hmm i guess heaven and hell have a system which allows you to keep your memories of this life? i assumed it to be so though.)

'i... i wanted to go to school with everyone... but i could not...'

---

when tsukishiro hikari said that line, even though the concept behind it is kind of cliche, i could not help but want to make a post out of it. yes, the idea behind what she said is cliche, in fact it had been used so many times that people probably got tired of it. well, even for cliche, there will still be people hearing it for that first time, right? so, this post is dedicated to those who have not heard of this idea before. the idea that an ordinary life, a normal life, is in fact happiness.

you know, i used to think a simple life is meant for the weak, for those who don't have ambition, for those who are easily contented. not that i have no ambition now, but that maybe i am more contented with my life more than the past.

an ordinary life does not mean it is an unconstructive life. a normal life doesn't mean your existence is neglected. now that when i think about it, the reason why i used to want to go so far up was that i wanted to be recognized, to stand above everyone and get their attention. but, that's not the point of life, right? or that is what i think in my opinion.

taking things for granted - this is something all of us, i think, are guilty of doing. is it wrong? no idea. if we are taking things for granted, should we change our behavior? i thought so. because, by doing that, we are not appreciating the things we have, the people around us, what we are given and how blessed we are.

you know, living a normal life in a city, i grew up to be not very different from others. i go to school, and go to work. i worry about exams, about finance. i got irritated over little things sometimes, and i get angry when i quarrel with my sister. i am happy that i have friends, and i am sad when my friends have to leave. i got depressed over romantic relationships (that was in the past! since i am single now), and i have trouble thinking about the future. this, is what many of us face. it is common. it is not extraordinary. our problems are not huge problems nor would it make an impact on the world, but nevertheless it is our problems and we are affected.

our life, i bet someone out there, maybe in sudan, or iraq would gladly trade their lives with ours. to get our kind of life. even in the city where we live, maybe, there are someone who would gladly have our lives too, multiply our problems 10 times over. why? because the burden they are carrying is much heavier.

to us, our problems are huge. i admit that. i think that too sometimes, when i face a problem i cannot cope. it is true some people would want our lives, but it doens't mean our paths are easy to walk, it just means theirs is a much more difficult road.

there are people, like hikari, who wanted so much to go to school, to grow up normally, fall in love and die. a simple life. a normal life. a simple wish. an impossible wish for her which we are experiencing everyday. what is normal and plain to us is an impossible wish for her.

life is unfair sometimes, right? well maybe i am not in any position to say such things since i have not lived life long enough to understand a lot of things, nor do i understand the workings and mechanics of this world. but, an ordinary life, is it so bad?

honestly, i used to think an ordinary life is very bad. i do not want to live life normally and die normally. i wanted to be remembered. even when i am gone 100 years, people would still remember me. that's the kind of life i wanted. but, that kind of life, is that really neccessary?

an ordinary life, or maybe a plain life, is the life of many humans. many of us will not be the world's greatest people. historians will most probably not quote us what we said during our lives. newspapers would probably only feature us on the obituary page. although we try very hard to be successful, we sometimes don't get satisfied. because out of the 4 billion people on earth, only one person can be the top. to be the top, you need to take down 4 billion people, whether in terms of riches, or fame, or skills.

is there a need? i thought not, unless God tells you otherwise. i thought, if we are content with our ordinary life, our plain life, then maybe in a way that is happiness. i am not saying we should stop going forwards or striving. of course we do. but maybe, we don't treat it as that important anymore. afterall, the people around us, what we have, those are the important things.

because if we lose all of them, we might never get it back. hikari lost her family and her friends, and from then on her life as a normal human was changed forever, all the way till just before the day she died. 3 days before her death, she experienced what a normal human goes through. going to class, having a meal with a loved one, strolling in the park...etc. these are extremely ordinary. but to her, and maybe to those who are really suffering in the world right now, they would really be wishing for this kind of life. a normal life. a peaceful life. a happy life. a life where they can use what they have and be with the people they love.

'so this evening, we will meet at the park. but i will purposely be a little late, just like a normal girl, so be sure to wait for me, ok?'

that was what yuka said (another person from another story, and the quote was based from my memory since i am too lazy to dig out the exact words) to her boyfriend. the need for her to live a normal life was so great that she was trying to do every normal thing a human does.

sometimes, we treat a normal life with contempt. i did that. but i thought, as we rush forwards in life, we stop, and appreciate our normal life, and treasure what we have, then, maybe, we can be happier. afterall, our kind of life is happiness in itself.

to get irritated over little things, to laugh at a lame joke, to cry at a drama series, to get angry over an offending word, to worry over exams, to get pissed off by the boss - this, isn't it a form of happiness? because out there in the world, there are many people who looked at us with envy and said, 'this is the kind of life i wanted.'

because we have a normal life, we can have an ordinary happiness. and then as our lives end, we can smile and say, 'i think i did a lot of embarrassing things and a lot of lame things, as well as stupid stuffs, but i guess i did not regret it. because i have found happiness.'

I was wandering aimlessly
I kept searching, though I had no clues
Make the memories you gave me
Into a song to heal my heart

Without making promises
Without deciding what words to say
You held me--and then I was certain
We could never go back to those days

---

wandering around aimlessly, without a goal. searching for something, yet had no clue. walking around aimlessly, perhaps, she too, like one of the many people, did not dare to dream again. why? obviously, from the above, she was hurt.

she looked back, and she saw happy memories. we all do look back when we are hurt, right? when we dare not look to the front, and when the present is too difficult, we do look back. and sometimes, we see happy memories. although i had said before that going back to our past and staying there do not help us at all, and instead was harmful, but, the happy memories can heal us.

like the girl said, make the memories she was given into a song to heal her heart. happy memories. they are proof that we once lived in happiness. and because we lived in happiness, we were able to have a true smile. sometimes, you might have discovered, that as we look through our memories, we were able to smile at our own recollections even in the most stressful of times, the most troubling of times. it seems, happiness is not only contagious to those around you, their impact is so great they can come out from the past to bring a smile to your current unhappy face.

why can looking at past memories heal our heart? i don't mean for you to stay and drown in the happy memories and never take a step forward again. that would be harmful.

as we look back and see those times we treasured, we are reminded once again, that maybe, even though we lost the time and could never get it back, we are still able to reach out and grab the happiness waiting for us further ahead of life's road. maybe, we are reminded that we can still live in bliss, instead of the gloomy and dark state we are currently in. maybe, as we look back, and our hearts get lightened up a bit, we find ourselves with the strength to face the reality, and to continue to walk forwards.

the girl had a special someone. and when she was down, he had held her. not saying anything, not promising anything. simply being with her, simply, hugging her. sometimes actions really do worth more than words. just being there is proof to the person that she is important enough that you are willing to spend time with her. hugging her, giving her the comfort she needed, i guess, that means a lot. of course, don't go round hugging girls you are not familiar with. don't ask for trouble.

promises can be broken, and words could be insincere. if you say something, who knows, maybe she may think you are just consoling her and none of the words are true. who knows, maybe if you make a promise, and you cannot keep it, she would think you are just insincere about the whole thing. so, if it is not neccessary, don't say any words if you don't mean it. don't make promises that might get broken. i don't know. maybe the situation demands that you make a promise. maybe, the situation demands that you say something. in that case, as we are all capable of, make your own judgement.

the guy, had gently reminded the woman, that she was not able to go back to those days. those days of her past when she was happy. those days when she felt joy, bliss and happiness. not that she could not experience these emotions again anymore in the future. but that the past is over, and it is gone. gently reminding her that the past is over, and to look over to the future. this, was what the man had did for her.

if we are walking aimlessly, without a goal, not knowing anything anymore, maybe, try to look back at your memories. the happy ones. and then, maybe you will find a source of healing. if you have friends who are hurt, if you can, be with her. there will be no need to promise anything. no need to say anything. being with her, gently reminding her that the future is still bright, that there is a road ahead for her to go on. there are happy memories, but in the end, they are still memories. we can take out and look at them, but not live in them.

and so, with a sincere heart, without even opening our mouths, we can actually help another person to get up on her feet again and walk towards the future.

of course this post is generally meant for those people with normal troubles. extreme problems, well i have not experienced them yet. can't really say much.

'shiki, i have never felt myself smiling. i never smile because i want to smile, and i don't know the reason and the value of a smile. i really don't know what a smile is, because i have never felt happy.'

the above more or less sums up the emotional state of a person called kurogiri satuki.

i have an online friend who is a non-christian. and when i asked her why she did not want to be a christian, she told me the christians she met were all backstabbers and hypocrites. and none of the christians she knew acted like how a christian should act. and if christians did not act according to their own rules, why should she become a christian?

isn't it sad? that the christians she met are all like that. not only her, many of the people are like that too. as christians, we sometimes act worse than a person without a God. it is as if christians is just a group of people trying their luck to get into heaven.

like satuki, he could not smile because he never experienced happiness. if one never felt happy before, it would be then logical that one would never smile.

just like my friend, who never experienced a kind act from a christian before. what she did not experience, she could not know. and what she could not understand, she could not believe. this is not a story. this is a fact of life.

we see some kids who grow up in an abusive home turned out violent themselves. not that they can help it. but if they were never shown compassion, how then could they give out mercy to others?

as christians, most of the time we tried to spread the Gospel by going into all the theories and the preaching. but we failed to consider that, maybe before we do that, we should set an example. what they did not experience, they could not know, and therefore could not understand.

if you preach and teach all the theories, they would still not understand. they would not understand why a God who tell us to love would have followers who backstab each other. they would not know why believers of a faith based on love would behave worse than godless people.

if we were to set an example in our lives, people would be able to see. they would see and want to know why we are like that. christians are always taken as a reference point. maybe you would have heard things like, 'what? you are a christian and yet you scold vulgarities?' 'you are a christian yet you are so immoral?' nobody say things like 'you are a believer of xxx and yet you utter profanity?' or 'did religion xxx teach you to do these kind of bad things?'

no. nobody makes a reference to other religions when people do bad things. they ALWAYS link it to christianity. it did not matter if a person from religion xxx do all kinds of stuffs. but it ALWAYS shows up when a christian do all the kind of wrong things.

then, we are observed by other people. to preach to them about love, we have to show them what is love. to teach them about grace, we have to show them what is the meaning of grace. to let them understand salvation, we should not be too busy to shed each other's blood.

isn't it very sad, that through the things we do, we are deterring others from wanting to know more about our faith. the things we do, not only directly harm the people, it also indirectly lowered the chances of others from being saved.

usually becoming a christian is a step by step basis. if we cannot even show them the most basic and foundations of being a christian, then, how can they even be a christian?

because he never experienced happiness, satuki could not smile. and because non-believers never saw love from christians, then how could they believe in the God of love?