About Christianity

'sensei (teacher), your smile always carries a hint of sadness,' shiki said suddenly. the teacher widened his eyes in surprise, and nodded his head, 'is it?' 'but, i have never smiled before - not even once,' kurogiri sensei answered with a bland smile.

the above, as usual and as obvious, comes from a story.

i had always made comments about people wearing a smile on their faces like a mask, but this post would be the first post to talk about that more. don't get me wrong, i am not criticizing anyone for that. we all do that. in fact it is one of the masks we have and which we wore most often.

in stories we always see characters who smile in spite of all kinds of situations. from the example i gave we have kurogiri satuki (kara no kyoukai), ichimaru gin (bleach), kohaku (tsukihime)...etc. you might have already come up with a few characters yourself.

but, that does not appear only in stories. it appears in almost everyone, in almost everyday of our lives. maybe not that extreme, until the extent we show a smile in times of pain and trouble. but do we not always do that during normal times? especially when we meet and interact with people.

why do we do that? because it is natural. wearing a mask called 'smiles' is almost like eating rice, or bread if you are a westerner. nobody likes a person who wears a mask called 'sadness'. everyone prefers a cheerful person, or rather, those i met prefer people who smile over those who cry.

a smile can get you out of difficult situations. a smile can create harmony. a smile can hide the troubles you have (i mean not everyone displays their problems for the world to see, right?). a smile can do a lot of things.

but usually, it is not a genuine smile. not that we deliberately faked our smile. it is just natural. we smile, but are we truly happy? in fact, we can laugh at jokes. we smile when we talk to others. but of all the smiles and laughter, which of that really comes from the bottom of our heart?

many of us are rushing our lives. going to work, going to study, or both. why do we rush to work or to study? because we want a better future, so we can be happy. yet, in our rush to get happiness, we became unhappy. we sometimes might concentrate too much on the process instead of our purpose, that we get stressed out and depressed.

even in our stress and troubles, sometimes if not naturally, we would even force ourselves to smile and to laugh. as if that is a requirement. as if we would be failures if we don't do that. maybe that's the standard society set for us, and we have to follow this unspoken rule.

i remembered a few weeks ago, i did smile a true smile. it was something that made me very happy, from the bottom of my heart, although after that the problems of life and everything that comes with it caught up with me again, and i totally forgot what was that which made me so happy. not that it matters to this post. i wanted to say, i smiled a smile because i was truly happy. not because i was talking to someone. not because it is the social standard. but because my heart was really happy. it was a feeling i had almost forgotten. it was a feeling i thought i did not get for months, or maybe years? or maybe my sleepiness is making my brains forget what i should remember.

because this world is so materialistic, and that this world is moving so fast we have to rush to keep up, we tend to neglect ourselves. an irony isn't it? to keep up with the world so we will not be left behind, we neglect ourselves. maybe not in terms of physical needs, but maybe in terms of emotional or spiritual needs.

maybe you have a girl/boyfriend or a spouse, close friends, or family to take care of your emotional needs. but you also have to know that these people take care of different aspects of your emotional needs. as for spiritual needs, we don't really go to God that often sometimes, right? even if we go, it is almost like a routine. pray my routine prayer, read the Bible like the newspaper, and then that's it. i finished my chrisitian duty for the day. don't get me wrong, i am not criticizing you, because i have no right to. because i am like that too.

in our rush for success and achievement in this world, are we really happy when we attain our goal? how do i say it? if i became the top student or the general manager of a company, i might be very happy. but is that happy feeling true happiness? you might be happy. but does it really affect your heart in such a way you exclaim, 'ah! i almost forgot this kind of feeling. this kind of happiness i experienced long ago.' you get what i mean? i don't really know how to describe it here.

if there is a choice between 'happiness' of this world and true happiness of your heart, which would you choose? you cannot say you want both. because although it is not impossible, the chances of that happening is pretty low. be practical. don't even think you are the person who always get what you want. because, you are a human. and humans have limits. because we are not God.

if i have to choose, maybe i would choose true happiness. but of course, that is because i might not have tasted the sufferings of this world, that is why i can say i would choose happiness of the heart instead of happiness of the body. you get what i am trying to say?

anyway, can i assume you will choose true happiness? because what is the point if you have bill gate's wealth and are not even the least bit happy? how to get true happiness? i have no exact step by step formula for you. i can only refer you to the source. and the source is my God. oh well, He is your God too, and everyone's God.

if you follow Him, He can give you true happiness. you might never be rich, you might never be the top student or the employee of the month. in fact, you might be the poorest, the weakest physically. but your poverty does not translate to spiritual and emotional bankruptcy. because He is God, He can give you happiness no one else can give. because He loves you.

if today, as you are rushing along with other people, and He called you and told you to follow Him instead of that man/woman leading that crowd, what would you do? a path of uncertain worldly happiness, or a path of certain true happiness? the leadership of a human or the leadership of King of all creation? nobody promised an easy life. nobody promised everything will turn out well - good results and high rank in the office. but this i can say, if you follow God, you will never regret. if you follow Him, you will get true happiness.

the smile that comes from the bottom of my heart is a nice feeling. i thought, if i can, i want to have that feeling always. what about you? when is the last time you truly smiled? do you still remember the feeling of that smile?

come out of that worldly flow, and follow the One who can give you a smile that is not your mask.

today, out of a sudden, i felt down. i felt moody. maybe you would call that emo. but luckily i did not give anyone trouble. i have a habit of hiding it when i feel down. furthermore, i was alone today. well i was outside, with a lot of people, but nobody i know is with me. so i did not talk. i just felt down. maybe you have times like that. today is just one of the days. i don't like it.

reason why i felt down? some stupid reason. relationship again. no, i am not attached to anyone. i liked the wrong people, and the wrong people liked me. haix. end up single. not that i mind. i know myself that i am not ready yet. i know that i will screw it up if i enter a relationship now. i think i am still tired of it for now. yet, when i look at people, when i think about my friends, this feeling of envy came up again. i think i wrote about it in one of my previous posts. yeapx, i know i am not ready, yet i envy people. so contradicting. people always thought i am popular with the opposite sex. i have no idea how popular i am, and i don't really care.

is there a moral of the story today? i don't know. i remember asking God for help when i felt moody just now. why do i have to be moody? i thought i already got used to it. i don't want the wrong person to like me, and i don't want to like the wrong person. it is too tiring. i think i am good now, for now. well, i still got no reply why i felt moody. i still remained moody for sometime. then something else distracted me, for a few hours.

ok, since i made this post, it must serve a purpose. i made it a point that every post i made must serve a purpose, if not it will not appear on this blog. my conclusion: feeling moody must have something to do with your hormones or whatever chemical reactions in your body. the mind knows the situation, the heart just refuse to accept it. next time you feel moody for a stupid reason like mine, find something else to distract you with it. it is hard, but we have to know what is best for us and not let the heart take over too much, particularly if your mind tells you what is your real situation.