About Christianity

running away from problems. it is something i thought i will never do again. when i was a kid (9 years old), i remember very clearly once i knock down my classmate and caused him to fall and bleed on the leg. i ran away, and prayed to God that he will be healed. somehow i was hoping for a miracle. that miracle never came, of course. that day, i was taught a lesson. from that day onwards i knew that running away do not solve any problems.

as i grew older, i told myself that i will not run away from problems. running away from problems is somewhat like owing a debt. the more you run, the more you have to pay. just like a debt, you have to pay it. if you don't pay, you will get more interests, and in the end you have to pay even more. a problem too, you run away now, the problem gets worse. one day, you still have to come back. unless you declare bankcrupt, or do not care about the consequences anymore, then there is no need for us to face that problem. but the thing is, the consequences of not facing the problem is usually very... costly.

and so, i lived and thought that those who ran away are fools. i would never do that. that is a foolish thing to do. i am sure you will agree with me. this carry on, until recently.

way before the problem comes, when everything is still peaceful, i could already see what was going to happen. a big problem which is going to give me a ton of trouble. never mind, i will face it. and then it came. and then i realized that the problem is too big for me. because it is a personal problem, i could not depend on others. because it is an inevitable problem, there is no avoiding it. and from that day onwards, my life is going downhill, getting more and more screwed.

and then, for the first time in a long long time, i ran away from it. the problem which is going to be a bigger problem. leave it to tomorrow, and then tomorrow. maybe, it would be better if the tomorrow never reaches. everyday is just another shitty day.

and then i had realized one thing. i had became too proud. in the past, i did not run from problems because of 2 reasons: the problems were never big enough and/or God helped me along the way. this time it was different. i became like some others i told myself i never would be like them.

in this aspect, i had forgotten to be humble. i had forgotten what it felt like to be in a really deep shit. of course, we fell into a big trouble every now and then. but for me, maybe living in peace for too long made me forget about that feeling. and now, i am forced to remember it.

so what do i want to say? for all of you reading this, we must always be humble, and never forget how it felt like to be in trouble. when others are in trouble, and they do something foolish or stupid, or when they do something wrong, instead of looking at them and saying 'i am not going to be like them', maybe we should help them (if we can) or be thankful to God that everything is still going alright for us.

am i talking funny now? it is about 0200H. maybe my mind is not functioning properly anymore.

i thought i am still running away, knowing one day i am going to be in a deeper shit. heck, i cannot even make a meaningful blog post today. i had thought of writing something meaningful, but i guess in the end this post is just plain bullshit.

i am going to sleep. good night.

i just learnt a lesson on the last day of my exams. not exactly learn, maybe reminded and having the idea knocked into my head.

so this is what happened. i had my exams, and just finished it. i had 4 modules, and so had to take 4 papers. the last paper was supposed to be the easiest paper, and the paper i had the most confident in. the thing is, i did not aim to score, i only aimed to pass. call me unambitious, whatever. i do not have the habit of studying way before the main exams and always had to cramp everything in at the last minute. and naturally what people would do is to - ? spot topics. of course.

so i spotted topics. my friends too. we were part time students. we work in the day and study in the night. we had no time like the full time students to study whole day. when we had free time we want to rest, we do not want to study, which explains why we cramp everything in at the last minute. this is not an excuse. i admit i am lazy.

so we spot topics. it was risky. i remember my friend telling me not to study a certain topic because she could not do it. she told me if i were to understand it it would be very easy. but she could not understand it, and she told me not to study. that was the day before the exams. to be more specific, the time which she told me that was less than 24 hours before the exam start. and can you believe it, we were still spotting and deciding which topic to study as backup. we had prepared that in the event the topics we predicted did not come out we need to have a backup plan. but the problem is, i had heard her wrongly. i heard it as - study that topic because it is easy.

on that day of exam, i got a shock when i see the paper. the questions i predicted did not come out as many as i expected. note that i had aimed to pass, not to score. which means if i spot wrong topics there is a high chance i would fail. i spot 4 topics, it came out only 1. the other 1 was a backup topic i had prepared but i was not confident in. and you know what? the only topic i spotted correctly, i forgot how to do it!!!! that exact question appeared in the prelims, with only the numbers changed. this was a question where everything else is the same except for the numbers and the 'situation' given in the question. and this was the topic i had prepared for. and i could not do it. can you imagine how i felt?

i turned on to the last page to look at the question. there it was, the easiest question of the paper. and you know what? a second shock. this was the topic my friend told me not to study because it was hard. i had heard wrongly and studied it. and for the topic i spent less than a day preparing for, it was really a miracle i could do ALL the sub-questions in that topic.

before the exam, i had slacked a bit. i was really in no mood to study. i had stayed at home and studied every free time i got. why? because of last minute cramping. that happened for about 3 months. work, study, work, study. i got sick of it and did not want to study for the last paper which was my most confident paper. i knew i could not be complacent. i tried to force myself to study, telling myself to be humble. sometimes i did manage to study sometimes i don't. be humble, i tell myself. the body do not follow the mind. is that an excuse? i don't know.

and on that day, it further knocked into me the need to be humble. the question i did in prelims, the question i spot for, i had forgot how to do. the question my friend asked me not to do and which i heard wrong, i could do it. now, is there such a co-incidence? i believe it is a lesson God gave me. a lesson which i do not need to learn the hard way. i think i should be able to pass. but... be humble. i hope to pass.

moral of the story? even in the confident situations, there are things that could go wrong. unexpected help could also come. never be complacent. be humble always. i used to pray that God would help me pass my exams. but from 3 years ago, i had started praying that God will give me the results He deemed fit, but i added that i hope to pass, if it is not against His will. but in actual fact, what i think i should do is to study hard and get everything in, and then let Him decide to let me pass or not, instead of being on the verge of failing and then letting Him decide. haix, but i am lazy. will i change? i don't know. if you read all the way to here and still do not understand what i am talking about, then remember this one thing - be humble at all times. you won't want to regret.