About Christianity

i have a life that i think is a bit more tedious than most people around me. maybe i am still in the period when i can still feel the whole world is on my shoulders when i only have a very tiny problem. you know, i kind of miss the days when i can wear a face of tragedy for just a tiny problem. of course, the purpose of this post is not to complain how hard my life is. i would have done that in the 'random' blog instead of this 'christianity' blog.

hahax but of course i cannot compare to my idol... mizuki nana-chan. she is a seiyuu (for games, anime, drama cds, dub movies...etc), sings, perform in concerts, go to radio talkshows, variety shows on television, appears in magazine... and who knows what else she does? i don't even know if she actually has free time. *respect*

hey you people, don't complain you have no time! but maybe allow me, this immature person to complain. because when i grow a little older i cannot do that anymore. and because i can, since this is my blog.

to those who know me personally and are closer to me, you will know why compared to most people i have double the workload. for those who don't, i don't plan on saying. like i say, this post is not about that.

hmm but i guess i need to give some background. for simplicity's sake, take it that i am studying in the morning and working at night. you know, for me, to come back home when the sun is still up is a very happy thing for me. you know, going out when the sun is not fully up, and coming back when people are sleeping is not a very happy thing. and i have been going through that for nearly 3 years now. what a long time huh... (hey i am still eligible to be immature just for a tiny bit longer! let me complain a bit more about my life.) to think i said i am not complaining.

anyway, for the last thing, sometimes when i hear people around me complaining 'work is hard', or 'school is really tedious', in my heart i sincerely wish, that i can be like those who complain. i really, really wish for that. and to some extent, i really envy them.

now i will come to the main post. the purpose of this post is to tell you to look at things from another perspective, and i will give you my personal experience for that, which is why i told you a little background about my life, which i would otherwise not tell.

my friends always said i am pessismistic. in fact everywhere i go, i have the reputation of being the most pessismistic person, be it in classes, in groups, or whatever. however i would like to think i am being realistic. so maybe to those who know me personally, you might really be a little shocked to see me writing this post. but well, thank God, because He taught me how to count my blessings. although even for now, i am still considered very pessismistic by my friends.

so, let's start.

the cliche goes. it is always good to count your blessings. because cliches always work, that's why they became cliches. i have to say, that despite my busy schedule and not so ideal lifestyle, when i have counted my blessings and understood that there are other things rather than those 'pain-in-the-ass' stuffs, i am not so envious of others anymore.

i mean, i do still envy what others have sometimes that i do not have. but i also know that because of this lifestyle of mine, i have things that others don't have. things that people are willing to trade for in order to be the same as me. of course, the things they wanted only limit to the good things and not those other less-than-ideal things.

because of my lifestyle for the past 3 years, i don't really have much time where i can use it to do stupid things. this is the conversation between one of my friends and me (in chinese translated to typical singlish):

me: wha full time university students so free. doing stupid things like painting a banner for an event.

friend: they have time what...

me: but you know... i wish i can do stupid things like that too. waste my time... i really wish i can do that.

friend: ya, me too. but our lives don't allow us that.

this is the kind of things my friends and me wanted to do. simple things like this are what we want. of course, when people asked me out, i have to reject them many times, because of my work. i missed out a lot of fun in exchange for something else. that is not to say our lives are very bad. like i said, i have gained many things too. and one of the important things is friends.

i have gained close friends which many people do not have. i have friends who trust me enough to call me out and cry in front of me. i have friends who confided many of their personal problems to me. friends who would go out of their way to help me. hmm how do i say... there are many more things about our friendship. they are closer than many of the other people i met elsewhere. and they have given me a lot of happy memories too. for the past 3 years, they have added colorful pages to my life's book.

and i ended up telling you my life, when i decided that i would not say too much about my personal stuffs. what is the moral of the story? you know, there are times when life is really hard. when you want to give up. sometimes it is not that because we are weak, it is that the problem is too big. ok it ended up with we are weak, not strong enough to carry the burden. but i think, no one is able to carry all the burdens that are assigned to him or her. burdens, we can share with our friends, not only by confiding, but by practical help. we can ask God for help too. but bear in mind always that God is not your genie. i made a post on that too. or was it 2 posts?

and when life is really hard, we always tend to see the negative things. like for me, i focus on the negative things too. things that people have which i don't. things i really want to have or do. not that you are deceiving yourself, but once you count the blessings you have, the things you have, you would realize that you are still living a happy life. like i said many times, living an ordinary life, grumbling about life and stress... they are in a way, happiness. see my previous posts (i forgot which one exactly) for a detailed explanation.

you would realize that, in this hard life, there is something that can support you. something that pushes you forwards, maybe with or without you knowing it. thinking back, it may be because of this little and seemingly tend-to-be-overlooked things that guided me through the past 3 years of my life.

you know, for all my grumbles, i am actually very happy about my own life. i do grumble, and i do complain. but like all the smiles and joys, these little unhappy stuffs, to me, they are part of the 'ordinary and happiness of life package'.

so, after a big round, what i want to say is... count your blessings. enjoy your life. appreciate what you have. and for the n-th time i am saying this, remember that somewhere out in the world, there are many people who would gladly trade their lives with yours, adding 10 times more your suffering. lastly... thank God. because, no matter how stressed and problematic our lives are, we are not one of the people in the war-torn countries, not one of the citizens in a country raided by poverty and sickness, not one of the folks in a land corrupted by violence and drugs. despite what we are going through, we are experiencing happiness.

that's all.

'yukimura, i have a dream. during spring, (i want to) sit at the porch drinking tea that sakuya prepared. at the same time having conversations like 'the sakura flowers are budding over there,' and 'the sakura flowers are blossoming over here.' and then i will farm during summer or autumn. we do not need too much (food), but only enough for us to eat. but sometimes, i will squeeze out some money, and go out to the streets to buy the dumplings that sakuya loves most. during winter, kyo will definitely come to our place to stay. cheap... cheap sake will do, because the main dish will be the stories of kyo's adventures. then spring will come again. and it will repeat itself again and again... together with sakuya...'

'heh, it sounds good.'

'it's wimpy, right? if it is kyo, he would scold me, 'what is so fun about that?' he would most probably say that. but... i am really, more than anyone else, wishing for sakuya's happiness. i think... if i am able to do that for her, then it will be great.'

---

those who read manga might find this scene familiar. the man who wished for such a simple life, to live with the one he loved, was one of the most powerful person on earth, so powerful that in the story he could be called god.

i made a similar post before, titled 'a normal life'. well this is somewhat like that, just that it is only a little different. maybe i have run out of things to say, and have to keep repeating myself.

when i was young, i told myself that when i grow up i would make lots and lots of money. i want to do whatever i want, buy whatever i want. probably because during that time i could not buy the things i like. at that time, i could only watch as my friends had the things they wanted, and i could only stand one side and envy them.

i told myself that i definitely do not want a simple life. i want a glorious life, a life with wealth and riches. it actually continued that way for a long long time. at that time i still did not understand why would people want a simple life. but i don't know why, maybe God opened my eyes a little and showed me what is really important. gradually, i began to give up on that dream.

not that i want to remain poor. i want to have money too. it is just that, i am not so persistent about getting very rich. maybe enough money so i would not have to worry about things like housing loan, medical fees, insurance...etc. slowly, i realized that money is just a way to gain happiness. it is not happiness in itself.

you know if your happiness can be sustained by say, 10 dollars. then you would not need to desperately earn 100 dollars. everything here on earth will fade away one day. and one day we are going to die. and if we die, what do you want to bring with you?

you can't bring away money. you can't bring away all your assets. what you can bring, is your memories. i don't want to die with lots of money left behind but nothing in my memory. i rather die a poor person but with lots of precious memories. because i only live life here once. whether i go to hell or heaven after that, i don't know. but for now, i want to make as much happy memories as i can. what about you?

what is it that makes you happy? being together with the one you love? to be free from all the worries of reality? to be able to fulfil your childhood ambition? everybody has a different dream. maybe you cannot do that on your own. but maybe you can ask God for help, if it is according to His will.

maybe, a simple life is good. like what the man said, he would rather farm than be the most powerful 'god' ruling all over the world. he would rather live in a poor house than to live in a palace full of riches, because in that small little place of his he can find happiness.

i realize that many times we are working hard for money because we know it opens the door to freedom (see previous post titled 'freedom'). but during the course of it, the money which is the key to the door, becomes the door itself. we thought if we have more, we are happy. many of us, along the way, forgot what we wanted. or maybe we never knew what we wanted in the first place. many of us, desperately try to earn money, so that if we found a door we can have the key ready to unlock it.

but is that a good way? what if we never find the real door we want to unlock? then what can we do? listen to human advice and take the doors of others as our own? no. even then, we will not be happy. i thought, maybe, we should ask God.

God created us. and He is God. since He knows everything, He definitely knows about you too, more than you yourself. it feels funny huh, to know that you do not know yourself really well. it is somehow, an irony. but in any case, you can ask God. He created you, and He knows which road is the road of happiness for you.

it may sound funny or stupid, but you may find happiness even if you are living a hard life. like the example i gave, doing farming is a hard life. but that was his dream, to live a life with the woman he loved. living in a palace as a god is an easy life, but he was not happy. you get what i mean? i don't know if it still sounds contradicting to you. but i hope not.

my friend once told me that, 'don't think that those poor people are not happy. they are actually very happy.' in reply i told her, 'i have no doubt that they are happy. but if it is me, i will be happier with more money.'

that was what i thought. and until now, i think so too. money is not everything, but it definitely can make life easier. if i do not need to sacrifice my happiness, i would not mind more money. some of you have difficulties. if you don't earn enough, your family will starve, and your kids cannot go to school. it is hard. having to pay for my own school fees, i kind of understand a little of the burden. but you know, God takes care of us, remember? if you hand it over to Him, according to my life experience, He will do something about it. but of course, you cannot just laze around and let Him do all the work. you have to put in effort too. i hope i am not wrong in saying that.

back to the main topic. if you let God take control, He will show you the way to happiness. maybe it is a simple life, or a hard life, or a luxurious life. who knows? but i know, that road, will definitely be a road to happiness. so, today, if you don't know where to go, let God show you the way. ask Him to walk with you. and i hope along that road to happiness, you can fill up your memories of this life. memories that will be with you after you die. memories that you will always be able to keep. (hmm i guess heaven and hell have a system which allows you to keep your memories of this life? i assumed it to be so though.)

today, i logged into my friendster account. i do not use facebook. and i don't really go into friendster anymore. it had been i don't know how many months since i logged into that thing. anyway today i got a feeling that i should login. so i did that. and then i saw one of my friends received a comment a few minutes ago.

the thing is, although people use facebook now, friendster is still quite popular. so it isn't really that surprising to see a friend receiving a comment. but the thing is, my friend had died 4 years ago. of course i did not forget her. now and then, i thought of my very young and promising friend who reached the end of her road at 17.

the one who gave the comment was another friend of mine. so i went into her profile and read it. it was just a simple comment saying he still remembered her, and her birthday, which is today. i guess, most of us do remember her.

i read her profile a bit. and she said she wanted to go study biochemistry or something like that after she graduated from pre-university. we call it junior college here. if she is still alive now, i guess she would be enjoying her university life. perhaps complain about the teachers, grumble about her tests, get irritated by all the incoming projects and frustrated about the never-ending workload. and then, once again, as i have said so many times in my previous posts, i realized that, all these... they are proofs that we are still alive. proofs that we are living in an ordinary, blissful life.

as christians, we know we can go to heaven after we die. heaven is a good place. but, earth is not such a bad place either. or maybe i shall rephrase. living in a peaceful society where i can complain and get angry over little things... it is bliss. of course, i don't want to die so fast. there are many things i want to do which i have not done yet.

they say, 'if your time is up, you have to go.' in a certain sense, that is very true. i think, our lifespan is already planned out. is it? i don't know. but that is what i think. we don't know when we will die. we don't know how we will die. maybe it is later, tomorrow, next month, next year, 10 years later... who knows? (i seemed to have made such a post before. did i?)

in our walk with God, there are many things we can do. of course, we have our own goals. we have our own dreams. i chase after my unrealizable dream, knowing it is futile. you chase after your unreachable goal. in a way, it is fun. in a way, it is nice. maybe because, we can. maybe because, we are still living.

if tomorrow you are going to die, what will you do? this is a cliche question. many people asked that. many of us answered that. but did we really think about it. maybe we will have a bright future. but if we die tomorrow, it means nothing at all. if you die today, and when you go to heaven, when you look back, what do you want to see? what do you want to see yourself doing?

everyone has something they have to do in this life. be it you or me. we are born with a purpose. we are born for a reason. at least, that is what i think.

i don't know what i am talking about. this is supposed to be a post regarding christianity. but as i typed, i don't know how to end, and i cannot conclude. so, come up with your own conclusion. what do you want to see when you look back?

life is precious. enjoy it while you can. because, maybe very soon, we will not be around anymore. or maybe, if you see this blog not being updated anymore, you know where i have gone to.

'please take a look at the water tank! inside there are many fishes of strange shapes.'

'deep sea fishes... are they deep sea fishes?'

'correct. under normal conditions we should not be able to see them. the ocean is separated into layers by their big difference in temperatures. the above is called the surface, the bottom is called the deep sea ( this is an over-simplication of the simplication of sea level categories). for every increase of 10m of depth of the sea, the atmospheric pressure increase by 1. in the deepest part of the ocean, for every 1cm squre there is an increase in 1 ton of pressure. hence organisms living in the deep sea are very special. the world that never saw the light - other than that, they have no other places they could live in. they could only live there, just like me. (erm, i am bad at this. if i say anything scientifically wrong please pardon me.)

is school life fun, recca? there are many friends there. what are your favorite tv programs? who are your favorite artiste? are you in a relationship? all of you live on the surface, fishes that swim freely. the world i live in - even plants, swimming organisms cannot even survive there. to live, they can only eat the corpses of other fishes. fishes that cannot even swim up to the surface even if they want it.

the world mori-sama (name of a person. -sama is a form of addressing a person of higher level respectfully) wants to create... is to turn the surface just like the pitch-black deep sea. a world that no other organisms other than deep sea fishes can live! mori-sama created for me, a world that i could also live in.'

'i will not let you do whatever you want to do. that is not the world we want. we are free.'

'freedom? i also want it very much. but it is too late! fishes who even forgot how to swim, it is already -- '

---

ok the above conversation sounded a bit lame. it is supposed to be a sad story. but because of lack of space i cut it out and took out the important parts. so, here we go...

deep sea fishes. in the human world, there are people like that. like what the person said, most of us are fishes living on the surface. swimming freely, experiencing life the normal way. and there are people, like the deep fishes, live in the pitch-black world of despair. a world with no light and hope.

i think, for those of us who live in the surface, we would definately not be able to fully understand the feelings of those who live in the deep sea, those who were not able to see any hope, those who could only see despair and darkness around... and finally those, who lost the ability to see hope (fishes who forgot how to swim).

for a human, hope is the driving factor for us to move forwards. a person may not have love, but he can have hope. and as long as a person has hope, be it good or bad, moral or not, he is able to move on. it doesn't matter what the person is hoping for, as long as there is hope, a person can walk forwards.

a person who lost hope, he cannot walk forwards. like the fish which forgot how to swim, he is unable to go forwards too, unable to go to a world where there is light. there are many people like that. well we ignore those people who love to dramatize things and make it as if their whole world collapsed when there is a little problem in their lives.

like that person who wanted freedom but was not able to get it, there are people who wanted to go on to the surface, but do not know how, or that they could not. i cannot imagine how a person can live through life like that. but the fact is, there are people like that. oh man, i keep repeating myself.

do you know people around you who are like that? a person who lost all hope may not look like it on the surface. afterall, humans are fantastic actors on the stage called 'life'. all humans belong to the surface, yet it is tragic that some are in the deep sea. some are born into that world, some are pulled down by the others...etc.

one may be down, but as long as he can still see hope and work for the future, he is one who live on the surface. maybe the part of the surface where it is near the deep sea, but nevertheless still on the surface. those who live in the deep sea can never come up again on their own. because they had lost the will and not see the hope. if left alone they will continue to stay there. at least, that is what i think.

what can we, the fishes on the surface do? because we see the light, because we can see the hope, we know there is a future for them to go. because we have experienced it ourselves. and then, the only thing we can do, is to help them out of that pitch-black world. bring them into our world. maybe, their problems are too big for us to help. maybe, we can do nothing 'practical' to help them. but as christians, the least we could do, is to pray.

prayer cost you nothing, maybe your time used for praying. but if prayers can help a person and bring him up to the surface where there is light, isn't that little time spent worth it? we may not be able to help, but we know God can. He wants us to live life to the fullest, and if we by ourselves cannot help others, then we can ask God to help, or ask Him to help us help them.

talk is easy right? i thought so too. afterall, if it is that easy, the deep sea fishes would not exist in the first place. maybe we can put it this way: if we help, maybe there is a chance to pull that struggling person out. but if we don't, then that person will stay there. life is meant to be filled with all sorts of emotions - anger, happiness, sadness, frustrations, hope, despair, depression...etc. but if one only has the negative of the emotions, then he is not living life.

there are many deep sea fishes. we may not know who they are. but at least, as christians, if you have the time, pray for these people. it doesn't require much of your time and effort. just a minute a day praying for them. out of all the 24 hours a day, 60 minutes an hour, using one tiny minute should not hurt a lot.

and also because, the reason why you got through all the hardships of your life and attain your peaceful life on the surface, other than your own hardwork, may be also because out there in the sea, another surface fish once prayed for your happiness.

1 minute a day... it is not too much right?

'i... i wanted to go to school with everyone... but i could not...'

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when tsukishiro hikari said that line, even though the concept behind it is kind of cliche, i could not help but want to make a post out of it. yes, the idea behind what she said is cliche, in fact it had been used so many times that people probably got tired of it. well, even for cliche, there will still be people hearing it for that first time, right? so, this post is dedicated to those who have not heard of this idea before. the idea that an ordinary life, a normal life, is in fact happiness.

you know, i used to think a simple life is meant for the weak, for those who don't have ambition, for those who are easily contented. not that i have no ambition now, but that maybe i am more contented with my life more than the past.

an ordinary life does not mean it is an unconstructive life. a normal life doesn't mean your existence is neglected. now that when i think about it, the reason why i used to want to go so far up was that i wanted to be recognized, to stand above everyone and get their attention. but, that's not the point of life, right? or that is what i think in my opinion.

taking things for granted - this is something all of us, i think, are guilty of doing. is it wrong? no idea. if we are taking things for granted, should we change our behavior? i thought so. because, by doing that, we are not appreciating the things we have, the people around us, what we are given and how blessed we are.

you know, living a normal life in a city, i grew up to be not very different from others. i go to school, and go to work. i worry about exams, about finance. i got irritated over little things sometimes, and i get angry when i quarrel with my sister. i am happy that i have friends, and i am sad when my friends have to leave. i got depressed over romantic relationships (that was in the past! since i am single now), and i have trouble thinking about the future. this, is what many of us face. it is common. it is not extraordinary. our problems are not huge problems nor would it make an impact on the world, but nevertheless it is our problems and we are affected.

our life, i bet someone out there, maybe in sudan, or iraq would gladly trade their lives with ours. to get our kind of life. even in the city where we live, maybe, there are someone who would gladly have our lives too, multiply our problems 10 times over. why? because the burden they are carrying is much heavier.

to us, our problems are huge. i admit that. i think that too sometimes, when i face a problem i cannot cope. it is true some people would want our lives, but it doens't mean our paths are easy to walk, it just means theirs is a much more difficult road.

there are people, like hikari, who wanted so much to go to school, to grow up normally, fall in love and die. a simple life. a normal life. a simple wish. an impossible wish for her which we are experiencing everyday. what is normal and plain to us is an impossible wish for her.

life is unfair sometimes, right? well maybe i am not in any position to say such things since i have not lived life long enough to understand a lot of things, nor do i understand the workings and mechanics of this world. but, an ordinary life, is it so bad?

honestly, i used to think an ordinary life is very bad. i do not want to live life normally and die normally. i wanted to be remembered. even when i am gone 100 years, people would still remember me. that's the kind of life i wanted. but, that kind of life, is that really neccessary?

an ordinary life, or maybe a plain life, is the life of many humans. many of us will not be the world's greatest people. historians will most probably not quote us what we said during our lives. newspapers would probably only feature us on the obituary page. although we try very hard to be successful, we sometimes don't get satisfied. because out of the 4 billion people on earth, only one person can be the top. to be the top, you need to take down 4 billion people, whether in terms of riches, or fame, or skills.

is there a need? i thought not, unless God tells you otherwise. i thought, if we are content with our ordinary life, our plain life, then maybe in a way that is happiness. i am not saying we should stop going forwards or striving. of course we do. but maybe, we don't treat it as that important anymore. afterall, the people around us, what we have, those are the important things.

because if we lose all of them, we might never get it back. hikari lost her family and her friends, and from then on her life as a normal human was changed forever, all the way till just before the day she died. 3 days before her death, she experienced what a normal human goes through. going to class, having a meal with a loved one, strolling in the park...etc. these are extremely ordinary. but to her, and maybe to those who are really suffering in the world right now, they would really be wishing for this kind of life. a normal life. a peaceful life. a happy life. a life where they can use what they have and be with the people they love.

'so this evening, we will meet at the park. but i will purposely be a little late, just like a normal girl, so be sure to wait for me, ok?'

that was what yuka said (another person from another story, and the quote was based from my memory since i am too lazy to dig out the exact words) to her boyfriend. the need for her to live a normal life was so great that she was trying to do every normal thing a human does.

sometimes, we treat a normal life with contempt. i did that. but i thought, as we rush forwards in life, we stop, and appreciate our normal life, and treasure what we have, then, maybe, we can be happier. afterall, our kind of life is happiness in itself.

to get irritated over little things, to laugh at a lame joke, to cry at a drama series, to get angry over an offending word, to worry over exams, to get pissed off by the boss - this, isn't it a form of happiness? because out there in the world, there are many people who looked at us with envy and said, 'this is the kind of life i wanted.'

because we have a normal life, we can have an ordinary happiness. and then as our lives end, we can smile and say, 'i think i did a lot of embarrassing things and a lot of lame things, as well as stupid stuffs, but i guess i did not regret it. because i have found happiness.'