About Christianity

before his friend turned into sand, his friend asked him, 'so, what is your wish?'

'i just don't want to lose all these things. i only want, to take back all the happy memories of the past.'

and as he said that, all that was important to him turned into sand and disappeared.

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this teenage boy, in order to turn the current reality into something like the past, challenged 'god'. his past was that of a happy one, with friends around him, and had little troubles compared to his current situation. but as always, reality is not always beautiful. his important friends were gone, and all he had was a nightmarish reality and loneliness. he did all he could to go back to the past, to revert things back to the previous state. in the end, he challenged 'god'.

how many of us are like that? well, not to the extreme of challenging God. how many of us are stuck in the past, unable to look forwards?

life is beautiful sometimes, and ugly sometimes. if there is happiness, there is sadness. if there are ups, there are downs. success and failure. stress and relief. everyone experience the same thing - joy, grief, victory, loss..etc.

maybe, at your current stage of life, everything looks so bad. so bad you want to despair. so bad, like that boy, you think it is a nightmare. there is nothing in front for you to look forward to. whatever you do, you keep failing. and maybe, finally, you give up hope, and dare not hope anymore.

and when that happens, it is human tendency to look back to the past. to the past when everything was so beautiful. there are many reasons why we do that. maybe it is the only source of strength that lets us go on. maybe we want to go back to that state. maybe, just naturally, as if addicted by drugs, we cannot help but go back to the past where our memories are.

but, i thought, if we cannot let go of the past, we cannot move forwards. if we cannot let go of the past, we cannot face the reality now. in a way, it is like drugs. for a short moment, we thought it would help us go on. but in the long term, it actually makes us despair even more.

why do we still hold on to that past? because, it is very hard to let go. because, the reality we are facing now is too hard for us to bear.

sometimes i am like that too. even though i know i cannot keep on doing this anymore. like that boy, if we continue to do this, if we cannot let go of the past, whether by despair or by desperate attempts to return things to the original state, one day, we are going to lose every single thing important to us.

because, the past can never return to us. that is why, it is called the past.

we need to let go of the past. but letting go does not mean you have to forget them. the past is important. but if we cannot let go, we have no future, and our present is so dark we cannot move on.

talk is easy, right? i thought so. i only know how to talk, so i don't know what to do myself. but i thought, maybe i can introduce you someone who can help you. maybe, i thought, i would introduce you to my God.

if one day, or now, you find your present too dark to go on, your future too uncertain to move forwards, why not ask for help from my God? He knows the way, the past, the present, and the future. if the road is too dark, ask Him to light it up for you. if the future is too blur, ask Him to guide you. i cannot promise you the road He leads you will be smooth. but this i can promise you: He won't give you a road too hard for you to walk. this i can promise you: wherever He led you, there He will be with you too.

let go of your past, so your heart won't hurt anymore. so you can turn your head around, face the front and continue walking. i don't know how long you have to walk, but one day, you will be able to see the light. if you really cannot go on anymore, then ask God for help.

of course, as we walk, we sometimes do look back. i think, it is ok. as long as we don't reach out our hands and try to grab it and turn it to our reality. the past can never be the present.

but i think, maybe, from the present, like what the people in stories always do, we can tilt our head sideways a bit, smile and say to our past, 'i am glad i was there once. it really made me very happy.' or maybe, we can tilt our head sideways, smile and say to our friends, 'i am very happy i once walked this road with you.'

it won't be easy. but this, is the key for us to face the present, and to walk towards the future. so, turn back and smile. don't cry because the past is behind you. at least, you have a past you can look back to.

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fans may already know this - Mizuki Nana's dad passed away on 29th october 2008. it is on the news. anyway, my deepest condolences. her blog updates will be irregular for now though. for her blog entry on this issue, j1m0ne had done a translation of it on her website. http://atemonai.com/blog/mizuki-nana-on-her-fathers-passing/

out of the so called 7 deadly sins (in no order) - wrath, pride, lust, gluttony, sloth, envy and greed, i guess envy is the one i am more susceptible to, being in the 3rd place if i have to list out in order of the 7 which i am most susceptible to.

well, it is true i have been blessed with many things - a healthy body, a normal family, not living in poverty, did not go through any tragedies, and most importantly, knowing God from a very young age.

but i had many things i had envied others about. and even now, i still do. my teenage life was, well you can say quite messed. no, i did not take drugs or end up in prison or stuffs like that. there were many things that happened, and i didn't really enjoy it. in terms of appearance or popularity, i was part of the chronically uncool (i just love that term, hahas). not cool, not smart, didn't know how to please, not good-looking. you know, the kind of uncool people who keep trying to make themselves cool, and make a fool of themselves without knowing. i envied others when they had a romantic relationship. i envied that they had more freedom. my parents were kind of strict and over-protective, ruling the house like a military. i envied that they have friends who are cool. i envied the fact that they always have many friends, and all i can do is to look at others when they have fun. as part of the uncool, they gave me names and made fun of me. of course, they didn't know what was respect then. maybe i didn't earn it, but let's not talk about that now.

and when i grew older, i still envy others. i envied others who no need to work hard for the things they had. i envied others who has a better life elsewhere. everytime i look at television on school life (be it drama or anime), i thought back about my own. my teenage years had already gone by, and i had wasted, or gone through my teenage life without enjoying anything much. of course, i do have happy times, and i made close friends who were there for me when i was a very uncool person. so, i envied others who had and/or are spending and enjoying their teenage life. to me, i rather work and go out to society than return back to my teenage life, which was supposed to be the part where people enjoy the most.

and then at the same time, i do realize that i had, maybe, be put or intended to live my teenage life like that. i met others now, younger than me, who are also going through the same thing. sometimes, they got disappointed with the way people treat them, sometimes they too envy others who had it better. i realize, that maybe, the way i lived my life like that was to help people after me, going through the same thing. let's not talk about whether the people deserve the treatment, but we can all assume all humans have feelings, and wanted to be treat with respect. i cannot say i did help alot, but i understood what they were going through, much more than many others, because i have been that way too. and now, in my own way, i am trying also to help my friends live and enjoy their teenage life, so they will not regret like i do. i help them not because it is my duty, nor am i trying to be a saint. i help them because i want to, simply that.

late into my teens, i met a guy who took time to help me. i was in spirtual darkness at that time. i was hurt, even though i refused to admit. i didn't realize my own helplessness and lost until he told me something that i could never forget. people look at a new day as a sign of hope and new life, and night as a conclusion. he told me bluntly my own thinking which i did not know, that i look at 'the new day as a start of a day full of shit, and when night comes i thank God that the shit is over.' i smiled at him, not knowing what to say. and i laughed. but i knew he was true. he did many things for me, he showed me care and concern. but i was not used to it, and i kept pushing him away, saying and doing things to push him away. i wanted people to care, yet i was not used to it and pushed it away. what an irony.

2 years later, he left to help others, and moved on with his life. i moved on with my life too. but he showed me light. in my last contact with him, i only wrote on a piece of paper his name, 2 very big words, 'THANK YOU' and my name. no other words can express my gratitude. now i am helping others too, not because i want to be appreciated, but because i know how it feels like, and what impact it can have, to show people that you care. and i can, more than many people, because i had gone through that. no, i am not saying i have gone through a lot in life. like i say, i have a normal family, i live in a decent country, i am not starving and i have not met any tragedies yet. but it doens't deny the fact that there are people who need help, and i can help.

moral of the story? what you are experiencing now may be what God want you to experience, because one day, you may find people who need your help. you may have people to help you too, out of your current situation. but if there is no one, remember God is always there. i am not saying you have to ask Him to take away your sufferings, i am saying you should ask Him for faith and strength to go through his 'training'.