About Christianity

'i don't understand. i don't understand at all. i don't know why i am doing all these.'

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sometimes, inevitably, we will hear such things, or perhaps say such things. and after saying such things, the person usually always comes up with his or her own answer.

'because it is neccessary.'

that's the answer. it doesn't feel right. there is nothing to be happy about. but still we do the things we need to do.

as long as we are humans, there are times when we felt trapped in a certain kind of situation, be it one or more. a middle-aged man trapped in a job which he cannot quit because he has a family to support. a student studying something he does not like, because that path he takes will give him many more opportunities in the future. a soldier in a war zone killing people, despite not liking it but for the sake of protecting his own land had no other choice.

there are many more examples. i am sure, that you are in one of the many examples, be it now or last time. as long as you are reading this, i take it as you are at least a teenager. not that i am discriminating against children. just that, children usually do not have the patience to do things like reading a boring blog like mine.

as humans, naturally we will try to find a way out. even if we do not like it, everyday we drag our feet walking this path that we had chosen, be it willingly or not. because we need to walk that path. so what do people usually do? sometimes they try to find joy in it, which is theoretically impossible for you, because if you could have done that, you would not be feeling this way. sometimes we complain. they say voicing out your unhappy thoughts help. or maybe you try to escape.

what do i do? i think i choose to escape. to where? maybe to the world of stories. as you know, i love to write and to read stories. as all those who are like me, you all know stories usually provide a reality that we can never get. it is a place for us to dream and to get detached from this reality that we usually felt so burdened of. i think, this kind of escape is kind of addictive. i find myself ditching my work to read stories, to read manga or to watch anime.

of course, this is a bad example. all humans need a place to destress. but doing it too much like me will end up neglecting the work. for example i have a 9 day school holiday. and today is the 8th day. i just found myself successfully wasting 8 days of my precious youth doing nothing but the following: read stories, watch anime, write stories.

as a result i have neglected my work. i don't even know what i am doing here blogging. i feel a need to waste time. waste my precious youth away. then when the time comes i will be desperate and try to bring myself back to where i should be in this real life.

as a christian, what should i do? i remember my pastor said something about that some time ago. but being a person with not very good memory, i had totally forgotten about it. so let me say it in my own way, in my own opinion. and as usual, you decide for yourself whether i am right or not.

you know, i think, for all our situations, God put us there. He has a purpose for us. so, if we are there, i think, we should do our best, and do what we should do. talk is easy, i know. i myself don't do it. instead of solving the pile of number theory questions i have on my table i am here blogging about wasting my life away.

anyway, we have to know why God wants us there. if you don't know, then you should pray. my experiences tell me if you pray long enough, sincerely enough, He will definitely answer you. and if you know why you are there, then try to complete what you have to do. maybe it is something insignificant as doing a boring job or studying all the funny math equations, but if this is what you should do, then we have to do it well. (i myself don't do it. haix.)

if you don't know, then you have to see your path step by step. the chinese have a saying which goes '船到橋頭自然直'. basically it means that when the time comes, things will sort out by itself. i certainly wish for that to happen. if i don't study, i wish a miracle will fall from the sky and grant me a pass or maybe a distinction for my exams. if i don't work, i hope at the end of the month my bank account will miraculously by the amount of my monthly (or even better, annual) pay.

i think, maybe in christianity, it just translates to: 'if you follow God, He will take care of you. and when the time comes, He will provide a way.' Yeapx, that's what i think it is. of course, you have to follow Him. sometimes we all feel so trapped in a situation. but all we need to do is to just follow God, and trust in Him. that is what it means to be a christian, i guess. if we cannot even believe in our God, i guess there is no one else we can rely on.

so, today when you read this, if you felt trapped, turn to God and seek His guidance. i don't know how it will turn out. but if you follow Him faithfully, when the time comes, it will work out according to His plan.

of course, as usual i am talking from the point of a normal human with normal problems. if your problems are so big that nobody else could understand, so painful that you think there is no God, then maybe my post is just a pile of useless words jumbled up together. but you know, if you are like that, i can only do 2 things for you. the first: to ask you to pray to God. the second: to pray for you. that's all i can do. afterall, a normal human can never understand the sufferings of a more-than-normal pain. but still, i hope you get the answer you are looking for.

now, should i do more integration or should i continue to write my story? for now, let me waste a few more minutes by checking through this blog one more time for any errors.

of all the manga i read, love hina is the only odd one out. it is the only comedy-based manga i read. i usually don't like comedy. i prefer more action, and tragic stories. my friend once recommended me love hina, and said it was very nice. i had my doubts at first, but i listened to his advice. and when i read it, i realized that i got addicted to it very fast.

why did i continue reading even though i usually don't like comedies? why did i not stop reading it even though it is full of 'lame' actions and no proper fighting? i don't know why. but i know i continued to read, all the way till the end. and the end was something i could never forget. it was not a very dramatic ending. maybe it was an ending you could have expected. no great twists, no great shocks. but still, it was an ending i could not forget. i don't know why, but at that time i felt something stirred in my heart that says, 'i want to be like that.' like what? i don't know. seriously, i don't know.

and then a few years later, which is today, i found out why. the friend who recommended me love hina had asked me to send him the song 'winter wish' because he lost that song. winter wish, although a bit old, is still a very nice slow song that i just could not get tired of. and he reminded me once again of love hina, since winter wish is a song for that anime. so today, i went to revisit love hina again. and then, a few years later after i read the manga, i found out what kept me from putting down the book.

the story of love hina took place in a very ordinary setting (except for the flying turtle) with ordinary people having ordinary dreams. nothing special about it. a bunch of people around, working for the thing they wanted, and well, they failed. hahax. until the very end.

essentially it was a bunch of 'failures' who got together to work for their own goal or to run away from their troubles. they were not successful people whom others would want to model after. yet in their lives, despite their hardwork and the seemingly very hard-to-reach goal, they were still able to enjoy the life they had. enjoy it with their important friends. and they had fun. sometimes when we read the manga, we actually focused on the fun they had instead of their troubles and their hard work.

and again, the 2 main characters failed to reach their goal which is to get into tokyo university. and they tried again, after allowing themselves to emo for a bit. and finally they got hold of their goal.

this is a very ordinary story. perhaps so ordinary that we might see ourselves in it. life has problems. and life is full of crap sometimes. everyone fails at one point or another. most of us are ordinary people. people who fail, people who run away from troubles. but at the same time we have people close to us and to support us.

in our ordinary life, despite wanting to be like them, to smile and have fun despite life's troubles, we thought that would be too idealistic. if we have time to play, we would have time to work harder right? i don't know. maybe. maybe not. in our simple life, we might think this ordinary story may be too idealistic for us. not all who work can reach their goals. not all the troubles can be cast away that easily, or solved just by working hard. and lastly, not all dreams could be fulfilled.

it is nice to keep a dream. it is nice to have a dream fulfilled. but reality is not so nice. reality sucks. but despite that, we are still living in reality. reality doesn't always offer us such nice friends, such nice endings.

and then i had realized, in my ordinary realistic life, i had envied and wished to be like the characters in an ordinary story world. to have a dream to work for, to have friends that close, and finally to see my dream fulfilled and get a happy ending.

after nearly 3 years, then i realized that. what a long time. to think it took me so long to realize what was wrong with me. it is a problem which not only i had, but i realized many others had. we have given up dreaming, rejected people when they came too close to us, and we stopped believing that our dreams will come true if we work for it.

did i make a post about this before? i felt that i had. but i cannot remember it now. oh well, if i made such a post before, then just take it as i am a broken record repeating myself.

sometimes we give up dreaming because of the failures. failure in going towards the goal not suited for us. it is tragic. we are going towards a goal that is not meant for us, and when we fail too much, we give up dreaming.

maybe, we should just ask God. what kind of life is suited for us? He created us differently. and i am sure our dreams will be something we like, and not because God says so. so, if we ask Him, and let Him guide us, we will one day find a dream that truly belongs to us. a dream that we can achieve if we work for it.

do we want friends? we have friends. but at the same time we stop them from coming too close. we are scared. maybe i am scared. or rather, maybe we just want to try to act as though we are a tragic character. who knows?

God is a friend we can let Him come close. a friend we can trust. the closeness of our bond depends on us. and if we want, we can have bonds closer than those characters in love hina whom we (or i) envy. and slowly, He will help us to trust in people once again. and then we have friends of this world whom we can walk with, laugh with, work with...etc.

in our ordinary life, we have given up a lot of things that was ordinary. dreams, trust and hope. in the 3d ordinary life, 2d ordinary life seemed so idealistic. 2d ordinary life seemed so hard to achieve, as if it is a goal we can never reach. everyone is walking on the road of reality, not knowing each other is just like him, admiring the people and wishing to be like those 2d characters. this is a joke that is not even funny.

maybe, we are just lost in the dark. and those who come near us we treat them as danger, because we cannot see. so today, ask God to light up your path, and ask Him to direct you. so that we can see our dreams. so that we can believe our dreams can come true. so that we can see not all who come near us are dangerous. so that we will have someone to walk with us. and finally, so that we can smile and laugh and enjoy life even in the midst of trying hard like those characters, because God is with us.

today, pray and ask God to lead you to your dream, to light up your path so you can see. and then, believe in God as He leads you to the dream meant for you.

the last time i made a blog post, i guess it was around more than a week ago? i am lazy to check the date. ok, back to what i want to say...

i love to daydream. unless i am very tired, i daydream every chance i get. i daydream in class, during my travelling time, during exams, during my exercises, during meals etc. i daydream childish things. maybe some of you, or most of you might be like me. or maybe only a few of you. not that it matters.

so what do i daydream about? well... as you can guess, unrealistic stuffs. fantasies. maybe it is due to my hobby of watching anime and reading manga, or maybe i just like it, i daydream about well, stuffs like magic. it is just like a kid who imagine herself to have magic. oh well, yea i know, childish. to know what i daydream about more, go read my story on my main website (shamelessly advertising for myself, again!).

i don't know about you, but i find stuffs like magic, fantasies, stories very captivating. for one very obvious reason, it represents a world we can never be a part of. living in this world, this realistic world, we have to deal with nonsense almost everyday. deal with your boss, deal with your clients, deal with your colleagues, your wife, your husband, girlfriend, boyfriend....etc. not that your life partner is full of nonsense, i mean there are troubles in every commitment and every responsibility.

what does the fantasy world have that we don't have. animes like bleach, d.gray-man, fullmetal alchemist, chrno crusade, they are all fantasy stories. but they have a few things in common. things that attract me.

the people inside, well the main characters usually, they have a goal, a purpose they want to accomplish no matter what. they have a direction in life. they know what they want to do. the good guys, and well sometimes the bad guys, they have strong bonds. strong bonds, something we don't usually find in our world. a bond strong enough you will go all out for another. a bond strong enough you will go through tons of trouble to protect it. they have a determination that never crumbles, they never give up on their goals. in a way, they are very inspiring.

how many of us know what we have to do in our life? how many of us know very well that this (goal x) is what i really want? how many of us have bonds that strong? many times we give up on our goals. sometimes we get influenced. sometimes it is the circumstances. unlike stories, our world is not a world that if you try hard enough, everything will turn out well. our world is not where everyone treasures their friendship. our world, unlike the story world, is far from ideal. like i said in one of my previous posts, there are things, that no matter how hard you try, no matter how much luck you have, you still cannot get it. there are things, which we can only look from afar. there are things, which we can only look at people having it and wish we are like them.

unlike stories, we are not really in full control of our lives. we may have a goal, but situations call for it that we give up. unlike stories, we have a more realistic responsibility. we need to eat, we need a house, we need to survive. we need money. chasing after a dream, or working for money, what would you choose? being raised in singapore, a nation known for its practicability, i was taught that no matter what, putting food on the table comes first. dreams, they can at most be done in spare times. dreams, they only served as a hobby. i was raised to go for the job with the best salary, even with a bad boss and a bad environment. and yes, i willingly sacrificed my dream for a bad boss who give me a relatively better salary.

we may have a friend, but a quarrel separates us. maybe he is wrong, or maybe she is correct, but sometimes, both parties are unwilling to compromise. maybe ego is worth more than a bond. maybe pride is heavier than the weight of a friendship. i admit, i am like that too. even though i always say i treasure bonds, there are times when i let go of a few friends.

in our world, there are no such thing as forever friends. i remember in primary and secondary school, 'forever friends' was a concept used a lot. but as i grow up, i realized that this concept is almost totally crap. there are short-term friends, long-term friends, but there are almost no forever friends. i am talking about relationship between humans, not with Christ. we may have friends for 20 years, 30 years, 40 years, but as time goes on, we realized that friends do go their own ways. friends do get busy enough. you are like that, i am like that, we all are like that. there is a limit to how things goes. everyone has their own commitment. we have families to take care of, one of our own, one of our parents'. we have a job to handle. we have different social circles to balance. we need rest. we are humans with limits. and therefore, friends get relegated to aquaintances.

what about direction in life? do you have something to fight for? if there is, what is it? promotion, pay-rise, or fighting for someone you admire from a rival? or is it fighting for the top spot in some field? compared to the anime world, the story world, we don't fight for others. we don't fight for the world. we fight, for ourselves. because, sometimes, we are the world. at least that is what of us show through our actions. we are not heroes. we are not saints. we are not people who would fight for others, even if others hate us. we are not kind enough to treat them as we would love ourselves. maybe some of you are, but i know i am not at that level yet. but even with that, even if we fight for ourselves, what is our goal? is our goal short-term? is there any meaning? do we fight to win others? do we fight to get a better life?

with our life, what are we doing? are we wasting our lives away? maybe we are not. maybe we are.

another aspect we are different from stories - how many of us can truely tell ourselves, that our lives is full of excitement? a brief idea of my life: wake up, go to work during the day, go to school in the night, go back, quiet time 10minutes, surf net for 1 hour, sleep. cycle repeat. instead of fighting monsters, i have to fight with the boss (not literally of course), fight the exam papers, and fight to get more time for myself. what a life. people always ask, how am i doing? it is a routine question, and therefore it calls for a routine answer. normal. everything is normal. but what is normal? normal is the kind of uninteresting life where we have to deal with nonsense. i know most of you deal with much more crap than me. just take it as i am a spoilt person who never endured any form of hardship.

i always tell myself, i am in the prime of my youth. people are enjoying their lives. i have to work day and night, like a dog. oh well, i asked for it. or did i not? it does not matter either case. 10 years down the road, when i look back, what kind of life do i want to see? what kind of life do i want to see myself leading when i was young? i regretted my teenage years. now that it is not reversible, i told myself i will lead a better life now i am 21. talk is easy. always. i am leading a... what kind of life is this?

so what do i want to say? i am going to say another thing which i probably will not do. preaching what i am not doing again. maybe not preaching, take it as i am suggesting some ideas. or you can take it as a crap talk i am saying in the middle of the night when i am supposed to be doing something constructive.

10 years later, what do you want to see when you look back at today? a life spent having fun everyday? a time spent on getting the top spot in studies? a period of helping others in need? i don't know. only you know what you want to do. even so, it might be hard. circumstances. reality. but it does not mean we cannot try. it does not mean we have no hope. they say, if you try and failed, you can at least tell yourself you tried. maybe it is true. debating this is philosophical. i don't like that.

the previous post, i said life is like micromouse. maybe this time i will compare it to a building. assuming a building of 80 storeys, each level represents one year of your life. from the day you are born, you add level by level, until the day you die. some of us have high buildings, some shorter. in each level, what do you want to see? how colorful will it be? maybe you will fail at doing something, but at least, when you look back, you can laugh at it and say, 'oh, i remember doing something like that.' not that failures is ok. a failure is a failure. there is no consolation. but, at least, the levels of your buildings will be more colorful. trying and fail, and not trying at all, both have the same results which is nothing. but you did something with your life. instead of wasting it away, you work for something. like the anime, we work and we fight.

heroes in stories win. maybe they die, maybe they don't. but they win. we might not be a hero, but it doesn't mean we cannot try to be one. a hero that goes for the things that make our life colorful. please don't commit a crime, end up in prison, do a prison break stunt and tell me you have a colorful life.