About Christianity

'the process of falling down is actually much more scarier than the state of being fallen.'

the above is really what i thought. it did not come from any story, not that i know of. it is just, this idea popped into my mind.

every human started from nothing. and from nothing we work our way up, whether with or without help from other humans, but definately with help from God. and then we climb up as high as possible, and maybe along the way we see all the others slowly falling off one by one. of course along the way, we will meet more and more capable people who are still climbing.

all that goes up must come down. it is the common sense law of the people. it did not apply in physics and in the law of gravity only, it also applies to us humans' successes. i guess one cannot keep on climbing up without failure. students try to study to aim for the top, workers try to get promoted, bosses try to expand their business...etc. everyone is working, and for every success there are many other failures.

i recently made a post about trusting God in all things, that He will give you peace if you trust Him. i think that's what i wrote. i am too lazy to go back and check. there is another situation i did not say, which is the reason why i am writing this now.

sometimes as we all know, failure is not immediate. sometimes it is a gradual process. how to say... it is like seeing yourself beginning to fail, to fall away, while you yourself cannot do anything about it. you begin to see other people succeed, and you yourself losing more and more things from your failure. so maybe you would want to say, you trusted God, and still you see yourself falling.

maybe if you are just given one big blow and you fell straight from the top, things might get better. because even in that state, it is still better than to see yourself losing and failing little by little. because the reason why falling is so scary is, you have no idea how much more you are going to lose. you have no idea how much more screwed or messed up your life is going to be. and the worst thing is, there is no one around who can help you. did i just accurately described what some of you felt at a certain point of time or another? if you haven't met with this kind of situation before, don't worry. your turn will come.

you would want peace, and maybe you did feel peace for that day after assurance from God. but after that, you find yourself getting hit in the face once more by failure. it is this impending doom you cannot avoid no matter how hard you try. so, how do you have peace? i seriously have no idea. because i am just 21, i don't have much experience. i don't have much failures to learn my lessons from. i only know someone who has more experience than anyone, more wise than anyone, and more capable than anyone. and He is God.

if i have to say something to console you (even if it totally doesn't work on myself), maybe i would tell another real life story.

i worked in quite a few places, and met quite a few people. all the people have a different story to tell. this is a story (or rather a comment) told by my superior, a middle-aged man who did not have much opportunities left compared to a younger person.

he said, 'when i was young, i tried very hard to climb up the ladder. i climbed and climbed, and when finally i reached the top, i realized the ladder leaned on the wrong wall.'

do you get what he meant? he is one of those who succeeded in what he did. but after getting success, he realized that what he got was not what he wanted. i thought, among all the stories told by my fellow colleagues, his was the most i could learn from.

failure, something not accepted by most of the people. and something almost condemned by the rest. nobody associates with losers, because they cannot gain anything from losers. but maybe, the act of falling down slowly but surely is God's own way to tell us not to be proud when we succeed next time, that for all those who fail, we are to show them compassion, because we know how it feels like. or maybe, we fail because He knew our ladder leaned on the wrong wall, and in His love and concern for us, He is dragging us down now so that we won't waste any more time climbing the ladder which we will later regret.

if this is any consolation to you who failed, then i think this post is not in vain. i hope, to those who fail, you will gain success one day, but still be humble and show compassion to those who fail. and most importantly, be grateful to God for the time He dragged you down.

of course, all these are my opinions. i have no idea what God is thinking when you failed, because i am not Him. i can only merely guess... you yourself should know the reason why you fail...

'i regretted my actions. but if time turns back and i have to make a decision once more, i will still make the same choice.'

there are people like that. or maybe should i assume, that all of us are like that at one point or another? the above statement, if i am not wrong, should bring back such memories you have.

maybe you would have heard someone say, 'oh, i am so going to regret this.' but in the end, they still did what they did. maybe you too. and me too. knowing the consequences of our actions, yet we do this so called 'forbidden' action. sometimes it is for ourselves, sometimes it is for others, and sometimes, it is for no one, just that we cannot help it.

maybe i should give you a few examples, if really my assumption is wrong and my readers, if there are any, did not do things that they know they will regret.

say a family member pays off the debt of a gambler instead of sending him/her for rehab, knowing full well that s/he will gamble again. or maybe a student giving up studying to play, knowing she will suffer in the exams. a man fighting with another because his anger got the better of him, not caring about consequences. a guy falling in love with another woman who does not like him, yet at the same time could not refrain from giving her up, resulting in depression. a woman dreaming about living together with another man happily ever after, knowing full well he is attached.

the above examples range from slightly uncommon to more common. of course they are by no means exhaustive. maybe you would have known people like that, or you yourself are like that? are we then stupid? i thought, maybe yes. sometimes i even had he cheek to tell God, 'God, please let me be stupid, just for a while more.'

sometimes we don't know which decision is wise and which is not, yet at the same time we know the choices we are about to make are foolish. we don't want to ask for wisdom, and maybe sometimes you are like me, telling God to let us be stupid. i remembered someone once said that everyone is entitled to be stupid once in a while, just don't abuse that privilege. is it true? i guess in the end it depends on the weight of the problem and its consequences.

we were told to be wise. so then, is our acts of deliberate stupidity wrong? seriously, i have no idea. maybe i did too many stupid things to know. but if i have to say, i would say it still depends on what kind of situation it is. although it may sound very fake, since i myself don't do it, but i guess if i have a piece of advice you might listen, i should just give it. not that i am very wise, nor am i a saint, and neither am i your parents. but as usual, i say my piece, and you decide if i am right. because i am a human too, and i make mistakes. if life is as simple as 1+1=2, i might have bet my life on my advice. stupid decision again, right?

so, well i am supposed to say, if we know we are going to do stupid things, and know we are going to regret it, why not ask God for wisdom? afterall, who can be more wise than Him?

for all the words i typed and you read, is that all i wanted to say? i guess, well yea. is it a stupid decision to decide to read this post? i don't know.

i don't know how many more stupid things i am going to do, nor how many more times i am going to ask God to let me be stupid just for a little while more. but i hope, that if the time comes for me to face the consequences, i can do it. because i don't know how am i going to pray and ask for help when in the first place i wanted to do stupid things.

anyway, i had a look at my previous blog posts, and i really find stupid stuffs inside. in a way, i am even embarrassed to know that i did actually write such stupid and lame stuffs. i wanted to delete it, but i thought, maybe i should keep it. because they represent the level of maturity and thinking i had a few months ago. well, letting people read about my immaturity, it seemed stupid. but i guess, it is a stupidity which consequences i can take it. not that within these few months i have gained more wisdom. just that maybe that time i was just feeling a bit more childish than usual. well, being childish is my entitlement...

i hope, that you will not regret too much for all the stupid things you did.

'do you... detest adults? i used to be like you, detesting adults a lot when i was a child. they always tell lies, and only think about themselves, always wanting the children to go along with them... and would do bad things as if it was nothing! but, now i have become the adult i used to loathe. you are the same... you will become an adult one day. you cannot carry a doll forever, and dream about being together with peter pan. because this world does not have utopia...'

'there are many people who will come here (the shop). although there are bad guys whom you dislike alot and liars who come here, but there are also very nice adults. you are only 14 years old right? giving up on the world now, isn't that too early? after you met more people, maybe your thinking will change. furthermore, there are people here who will smile and cry for you. so, stay here...and try to change yourself.'

the above was part of a one-sided conversation between a man and a girl who was sexually abused by her step-father, and who had lost practically all hope in the world of reality, and adults.

being 21 this year, stepping into the world of adults, and putting behind the life of a child and teenager (but not my childishness), am i, joining the group of adults whom i used to dislike? many of us, or maybe most of us would have at one point or another really dislike adults. maybe the reasons why we felt like that can be more or less explained by the above conversation.

but as we grow up from a child to a teenager, and from a teenager to an adult, do we become the kind of adults we used to loathe? an adult who cares for nothing but himself. maybe, when we were a child, we did not know why some adults did what they did. maybe, they really have some reason for doing a particular bad thing. maybe at that time, they were doing things for a reason that our childish and naive mind could not perceive.

as we were growing up, we face more and more of the outside world. from school, to workplace and more. as we get more and more involved with this world, do we forget the kind of people we used to dislike? i remembered telling myself as a child, 'when i grow up, i wouldn't be like that. definately not.' i think you were also like that, right?

even before i officially hit the day of adulthood, i knew myself that i was getting closer and closer to the type of person i told myself i would never become. sometimes for our own benefits we harm other people. or we tell lies. we forced people to go our way, especially the weaker ones. we spare no thought for others. are you like that? i guess you are sometimes, right?

as adults, we have direct influences on childrens sometimes. i have a little sister 13 youngers than me, and when i think of how she looked at me, i am reminded of how i used to look at my parents. i remembered the things i don't like about my parents (such as forcing me to do something i don't like. of course at that time i did not put myself in my parents' shoes). and even though adults may have a reason for doing something, kids may not understand it. it is then the responsibility of me to help my sister see things in a different way. if you are a parent, i guess it is also one of your responsibility to think in the shoes of your child, because most likely your kid view you as how you viewed your parents.

if i have to describe my view of adults when i was a child, maybe i would say adults love only themselves and they were insincere. although that might be wrong, but it was nevertheless my thoughts when i was a kid. children would show care and concern for one another. they show genuine love for one another, instead of a fake love we are so used to. if today you measure yourself using the standard you set for adults as a child, the adult you, would you fail to meet the requirements?

let's not talk about the reasons why adults did what they did. from our point of view, we saw adults as liars, as self-centered people (of course we had no idea what these concepts were but we now know), as people who do not do what they preach. so, are we now becoming the kind of adults we used to dislike?

kids are naive, but that is also why they won't do what is wrong and do what is right. of course, they must first have the concept of what behavior is acceptable and what is not. when they do something wrong, such as lying, they feel guilty, and their words and actions would give them away. because they know it is wrong. what about us? i know i can lie quite well, because my concept of moral values has changed from 'right and wrong' to 'benefits and cost'. are you like that?

we are called to love our neighbors are we love ourselves. how many of us do that? sometimes we not only do not love them, we end up hating them, or maybe we do something harmful to them for our own benefits. be it big or small, it is still the same. loving your neighbor, this might be a commandment i could fulfil as a child, but i realized that i could not do it now. i have to struggle to not even dislike some people, let alone love them. but if it is the second most important commandment, we as christians would have to do it. you know you cannot do it, that's why we have to ask for help. ask help from God.

it is a very hard thing to be the model adult i used to set for others. even if we do not harm people, sometimes we sin deliberately. even if we know it is wrong, we sin. and we tell ourselves, God will forgive us. nobody is hurt. let's say you used God's name as an exclaimation of surprise, or maybe we lie too often, or sometimes we just judge people too quickly. gossip, despising others, curse and swear...etc. each of these sins do nothing to harm others directly, except maybe for gossip. these were the very traits we know were wrong yet we still do it. and sometimes as adults we expect children not to do wrong things and punishing them when they stepped over the line, when we ourselves intentionally cross it ourselves. what made us different is that maybe we can cover it better, or to give a better excuse.

i guess that's why Jesus wants us to have the heart of a child. a humble, true and sincere heart. an obedient heart. children obey adults, even when they do not set a good example. children don't do what is wrong if they can help it. children won't do bad things as if it were nothing.

like what the man said, there is no utopia here. many things are messed up. but we do have a future home we can look forward to. to heaven, where there is the perfect home. a place where they are no more messiness that makes people give up hope like that girl. a place where we can become adults that exceed our own expectations we had of others when we were kids.

but just like that man who encouraged the teenage girl not to give up hope, in this world of messiness sometimes we see people who are giving up. if there are nobody, if there is no help, maybe, we can show them that there are kind adults too. that there are true and sincere adults too. that although this world is messy sometimes, there is still something good they can hold on to. life is precious. but a life with no hope is like a clump of living flesh stuck to the skeleton.

there were some people who think i am a good christian. like many adults, i too am a fake. just that it so happened i put on the mask of a 'good christian' when they see me. we put masks. you too.

and i hope one day, i can put that away and be an adult that can meet my own childish expectations. i wish to be an adult such that using my own childish standards, i can give myself a pass, or maybe an A grade. and of course, an adult that God would give me an A grade too.

i had wanted to put up another post. but before i could put that, i came across something that changed my mind. i guess i would put it next time, after this post.

i was doing my quiet time when the material i used directed me to Exodus 16:1-5. well if you are lazy to flip open the Bible it is about the israelites complaining in the desert and said it would be better to die in egypt than to go out into the desert to starve. and the Lord said He would rain down bread from heaven, and the people are supposed to gather them to eat.

well, the Lord was speaking to me using that short story. of course when we read the Bible the Lord is telling us something, but this was something which directly affect the present moment of my life. well how do i put it?

actually i have responsibilies that i have to handle, yet i know i cannot do it. not that i don't want, just that my strength is not enough. well since it is a responsibilty, even if i don't want it, i still have to do it well. not that i am a very responsible person, but that the consequences of failure is somewhat disturbing.

anyway, since it was a set of responsibilties that only i alone can do, i could not get help from any other human. well not directly. and i have not gone around asking what i can do to better cope. oh well, the result of which is that i get very little sleep, and i am always very tired, and irritated, and frustrated. sometimes i even have to control myself so i will not flare up and throw tempers.

and so it goes on. and one day i thought, maybe i should just give up. i don't care about the consequences anymore. after weighing the benefits and cost, i thought there was really no point. i would just go through it, and i won't care. if things go bad, it is too bad for me since the results affect no other human except for me. it was so bad that if i have to say something, i guess it would be 'fuck the world'.

you might want to say something about me posting a swear word on a christian blog, but i see no difference between fuck and f**k since you would have known it and the intention to utter a word of profanity was there. the ** only serves as nothing but a nice wrapping for the vulgarities to make it more presentable and acceptable. in essence, the 2 words meant the same damn thing.

anyway, so the combination of the material i used for QT, the Bible verses, and God's own teaching to me was this: trust the Lord. like the israelites, who only gathered enough bread for one day everyday, except for the day before sabbath, trusted the Lord and depended on Him. they have no extra storage of food for tomorrow. tomorrow God will give them more food. like matthew 6:25-34 says, God will take care of us. do not worry about tomorrow.

so, in the end i concluded and learnt that i should depend on the Lord everyday. everyday receive a little of God's help. when the time comes, i guessed what will happen will happen. just like how the israelites have to go through the desert to the promised land, i guess i am heading towards some sort of promised land too, and i am in the desert. just that i hope the promised land i have in mind is not so far from the promised land intended from me. and that i will be obedient enough so i will actually reach the place intended for me instead of dying in the desert.

what's the moral of the story. some of you may have duties and responsibilties more than you can even take it. some of you have tried to the best of your ability and wanted to give up. i may not have the same committment as you, but i certainly know how it feels like to try hard, see no results and wanting to give up. but i guess God won't give you a responsibility so you can die alone. if you cannot handle it, ask for help.

i don't know about you. but when i realized that God actually tells me to trust in Him, i felt more peaceful. instead of just going through it and not caring about the results, i thought maybe i will do what i can and let Him decide the rest. of course, i still hope to get through it. and that i hope i won't fail (now that i have hope again). but if it is in the plan for me to fail so that i can get to another place, who am i to say anything?

the fact that the Lord of all creation personally tells you to trust in Him is actually very reassuring. it is not like a friend or some expert telling you to trust in him. because they are only humans. and humans have limits. i have a God who tells me to trust in Him, and He is the King who controls everything, He is the Lord that knows everything - past, present and future. so if He tells me to trust in Him, i would do that.

maybe you can say the only reason why i can say such a thing is because i have not met enough despair or hopelessness to totally lose faith in God. yeapx, you are right. that's why for now i can still have enough faith.

maybe you won't like me for saying this, but whether you like it or not, accept it or not, it does not change the fact that there is a God. despite wars and family violence, starvation and poverty, there is a God. i cannot explain why all these happen when God is in control, nor can i give an answer as to why there are so many tragedies in the world, but He is the King and He rules as He sees fit. and since He is the King and He asks me to trust and have faith, i will do that. that's why i said you might not like it when i say this. it sounds like hypocritical bullshit coming from a person who knows nothing at all.

i don't know what kind of life you have. but if you are not having any hope left, why not trying asking God to give you a little bread (help) each day as you walk across the desert which is your life for now? and when you walked far enough (in the correct direction of course) you would get to the new part of your life which is the promised land. but to do that, you will need to have enough faith and obedience. you wouldn't want to walk around in circles in the desert, let alone die there, right? or maybe you might get out of the desert, but if you did not reach the promised land, would you not have suffered the journey of the desert for nothing or for something less than what you could have gotten?

if there is anyone you should place your hopes on, why not try placing them on the King of all things? if you feel like, maybe you should just hope for one more time and work for one more time, why not hope in the Lord? because He doesn't give you the wrong kind of hope. because He knows what He is doing. and because He is in control. and most importantly, the King of all creation loves you very much.

'i don't know if this ending is fortunate or unfortunate (the term used here also has the meaning of 'happiness'), but i never regretted it. even when i became like this, he still let me stay by his side.'

these were the thoughts of a woman who abandoned her human form and was turned into a flame spirit when she died. after getting a fatal wound from the villian of the story, just before she died, she said, 'i don't want to be a pretty but short-lived flower. it does not matter if i am a bit uglier, if only i can always be with you.'

and her lover agreed and turn her into a flame spirit, which would later become a part of his power. in something like a 'contract' she burnt the face of her lover who indirectly but unintentionally caused her to lose her life. this woman would later go on and be known to the world as a horrifying but extremely strong power of the man.

yeapx, to those who know this story, and to those who did not, this story is a small part from 'flame of recca'. sorry i could not describe it properly... sometimes you really need to read the whole story yourself to get a better idea. (this is an excuse for my poor description)

so the once pretty woman, in order to be with her lover, stopped being a human and turned into a not so pretty flame spirit. the man, who also loved her, personally turned her into something non-human. i guess it wouldn't be very comforting to see someone you love become something else other than a human. this little story tells of the love between a couple and how much they were willing to go through in order to be with each other.

do you have someone you love? maybe your parents? family? spouse? lover? normal friends? i guess most of us have people who are important to us. but the thing is, how much do we love them? enough to die (i am not asking you to die)? how far are you prepared to go just to be with the one you love? or maybe, for those who have no one to love, and loved by no one, do you sometimes wish that you have someone to love? or someone to love you? i think we are all made to love and to be loved.

actually, in many senses (this sounds like stupid english), we are all like the woman.

like that woman, we have someone who loves us a lot. like how the man's love for her could not be matched by anyone else in the story, Jesus loves us more than anyone else in this world. even if the whole world dislikes you (for her it was fear), we are still loved, by the one person who matters to us most (by right He should matters most to you).

even when we became like this, He still keeps us by His side. we (the woman) used to be pretty, but as we grow older, we became more and more ugly. when we were kids and had a pure and innocent heart, we were beautiful. as we get more and more involved with the outside world, our hearts became corrupted and ugly. even so, even when we became like that, He loves us, enough to die for us so we can be at His side.

like how a 'convenant' or a 'contract' was exchanged when the man turned her into a flame spirit so she could continue to live on, we are also in a convenant with Christ when He shed His blood for us so we could live on. not in the sense to continue living on in this world, but to have life everlasting in heaven. the woman would later live within the man's body since her body was destroyed. what about us? sooner or later we would need to leave this world, or this world is going to be gone in due time. where would we live in? in heaven. we (the woman) were brought back to life so we can continue living.

the man had said, 'we will not be separated again, and be together forever.' can it be said of the same for us? i think it can, right? when we get to heaven, we can be together with the One who loves us the most, and the one we love the most (by right we should love Him the most).

those who know the story, you would have known that throughout the story the man had called out the woman many times to fight for him. you would also have known that the man did not need the woman in his fights, since other than his other skills, his original flame was not the woman. in the same way, God does not need us to carry out the work He gives us. nothing is impossible for Him, that's why He is God.

but why then, like the man, He choose to call us to work for Him? i guess (since i have no concrete proof), that in the same way the man wanted his beloved to fight and win together with him, our Lord wants us to work and to walk together with Him. when we work, we are depending on God, and we get closer and closer to Him.

many people were fearful of the man and the woman, because with undeniable strength and power they had won every single fight (at that point of the story). the woman was recognized as his power. and as we fight (the sins) and win (the sins, as well as the people whom we won over), people are able to see we too, like the woman, represent Christ in this world. like how the people recognized her as his power, we can also be seen as salt and light of the world, just as how we are supposed to be.

when the woman was killed, the impact on him was great. he began to hate the world and the people in it. when we know that Christ died, are we greatly affected? i don't mean to ask you to hate the world or act like some drama series where you have to cry or something. i mean, because He died for us, do you feel amazed? or that now you are actively trying to love others (even our enemies) because He loved us enough to die? most of the time, or practically all of the time, we treated this piece of information with as much importance as the weather forecast. i admit i am like that too. do we love people now with the same intensity as the man hated the world?

life is full of troubles. and sometimes we hear inspiring stories that motivates us. but we all know that during the making of an inspiring story, the process of actually going through it is not fun and enjoyable at all. sometimes it is so bad we want to give up, to lose hope, to not care about it anymore. but like how the man and the woman can win every single fight together, we too, can win together with the Lord.

'but i never regretted it.' the woman never regretted her decisions. sometimes there are people who regretted being a christian. life is hard sometimes right? i really have no proper advice to give to those who think that way. but if the woman did not regret her decision even when she was not sure if the ending for her was happiness or not, should we not even hold on to our decision more tightly when we know our ending?

unlike the woman, we need not question ourselves whether we are fortunate or not to choose this path of walking with the Lord. because we know the ending. because even when we became like this, He still let us stay by His side. that, is also a form of happiness.

note: this is the best i could recall of this post. i had written this before, but due to the server change, all data (blog posts, comments, pictures as well as my main site) from 12 & 13 october were wiped out. i felt i wrote better the first time round, since i knew what i wanted to write instead of doing the recalling like now. i'm sorry if this post sounds like crap.