About Christianity

i had wanted to put up another post. but before i could put that, i came across something that changed my mind. i guess i would put it next time, after this post.

i was doing my quiet time when the material i used directed me to Exodus 16:1-5. well if you are lazy to flip open the Bible it is about the israelites complaining in the desert and said it would be better to die in egypt than to go out into the desert to starve. and the Lord said He would rain down bread from heaven, and the people are supposed to gather them to eat.

well, the Lord was speaking to me using that short story. of course when we read the Bible the Lord is telling us something, but this was something which directly affect the present moment of my life. well how do i put it?

actually i have responsibilies that i have to handle, yet i know i cannot do it. not that i don't want, just that my strength is not enough. well since it is a responsibilty, even if i don't want it, i still have to do it well. not that i am a very responsible person, but that the consequences of failure is somewhat disturbing.

anyway, since it was a set of responsibilties that only i alone can do, i could not get help from any other human. well not directly. and i have not gone around asking what i can do to better cope. oh well, the result of which is that i get very little sleep, and i am always very tired, and irritated, and frustrated. sometimes i even have to control myself so i will not flare up and throw tempers.

and so it goes on. and one day i thought, maybe i should just give up. i don't care about the consequences anymore. after weighing the benefits and cost, i thought there was really no point. i would just go through it, and i won't care. if things go bad, it is too bad for me since the results affect no other human except for me. it was so bad that if i have to say something, i guess it would be 'fuck the world'.

you might want to say something about me posting a swear word on a christian blog, but i see no difference between fuck and f**k since you would have known it and the intention to utter a word of profanity was there. the ** only serves as nothing but a nice wrapping for the vulgarities to make it more presentable and acceptable. in essence, the 2 words meant the same damn thing.

anyway, so the combination of the material i used for QT, the Bible verses, and God's own teaching to me was this: trust the Lord. like the israelites, who only gathered enough bread for one day everyday, except for the day before sabbath, trusted the Lord and depended on Him. they have no extra storage of food for tomorrow. tomorrow God will give them more food. like matthew 6:25-34 says, God will take care of us. do not worry about tomorrow.

so, in the end i concluded and learnt that i should depend on the Lord everyday. everyday receive a little of God's help. when the time comes, i guessed what will happen will happen. just like how the israelites have to go through the desert to the promised land, i guess i am heading towards some sort of promised land too, and i am in the desert. just that i hope the promised land i have in mind is not so far from the promised land intended from me. and that i will be obedient enough so i will actually reach the place intended for me instead of dying in the desert.

what's the moral of the story. some of you may have duties and responsibilties more than you can even take it. some of you have tried to the best of your ability and wanted to give up. i may not have the same committment as you, but i certainly know how it feels like to try hard, see no results and wanting to give up. but i guess God won't give you a responsibility so you can die alone. if you cannot handle it, ask for help.

i don't know about you. but when i realized that God actually tells me to trust in Him, i felt more peaceful. instead of just going through it and not caring about the results, i thought maybe i will do what i can and let Him decide the rest. of course, i still hope to get through it. and that i hope i won't fail (now that i have hope again). but if it is in the plan for me to fail so that i can get to another place, who am i to say anything?

the fact that the Lord of all creation personally tells you to trust in Him is actually very reassuring. it is not like a friend or some expert telling you to trust in him. because they are only humans. and humans have limits. i have a God who tells me to trust in Him, and He is the King who controls everything, He is the Lord that knows everything - past, present and future. so if He tells me to trust in Him, i would do that.

maybe you can say the only reason why i can say such a thing is because i have not met enough despair or hopelessness to totally lose faith in God. yeapx, you are right. that's why for now i can still have enough faith.

maybe you won't like me for saying this, but whether you like it or not, accept it or not, it does not change the fact that there is a God. despite wars and family violence, starvation and poverty, there is a God. i cannot explain why all these happen when God is in control, nor can i give an answer as to why there are so many tragedies in the world, but He is the King and He rules as He sees fit. and since He is the King and He asks me to trust and have faith, i will do that. that's why i said you might not like it when i say this. it sounds like hypocritical bullshit coming from a person who knows nothing at all.

i don't know what kind of life you have. but if you are not having any hope left, why not trying asking God to give you a little bread (help) each day as you walk across the desert which is your life for now? and when you walked far enough (in the correct direction of course) you would get to the new part of your life which is the promised land. but to do that, you will need to have enough faith and obedience. you wouldn't want to walk around in circles in the desert, let alone die there, right? or maybe you might get out of the desert, but if you did not reach the promised land, would you not have suffered the journey of the desert for nothing or for something less than what you could have gotten?

if there is anyone you should place your hopes on, why not try placing them on the King of all things? if you feel like, maybe you should just hope for one more time and work for one more time, why not hope in the Lord? because He doesn't give you the wrong kind of hope. because He knows what He is doing. and because He is in control. and most importantly, the King of all creation loves you very much.

i am tired. very tired. recently i am busy, or supposed to be. there are a lot of things i have to do, and there are a lot of things which i haven't even touch. well there are the same anyway. in any case, i am busy with my work and my studies.

exams already started. thankfully, or not, my 4 papers are separated into an average of 1 paper a week. on one hand you can say i have more time to study, and on the other hand, i have to study longer. after i came back from work i have to study. tired. maybe because i am moody nowadays. i don't remember getting tired during around this time last year when i have exams and when i have to work too.

regardless, i still have to go on and work. i cannot tell my boss i am tired so there is no need for me to work, and that is a sufficient reason for me to screw up my job. i cannot tell the examiner i am too tired to study because of work, that's why i fail. no. work is work. study is study. examiner and boss don't care. if you fail, there you go. fair enough. i admit that the system in place is correct.

but still, i am tired. it applies to you too i guess. maybe not the same way as i do. everyone of us has a mission in life. God gave us a mission in life. we still have other things to do though. a job to maintain, a family to support, a decent result in our academic life, be a better parent / kid, whatever. can we say, because i am tired from God's work, i can screw up my daily responsibilities? no. can i say i am tired from my daily responsibilities, and that is reason enough to fail what God asked me to do? no. double no, and double win for you. double horror, whatever you call it. i am too tired to come up with new terms, and my eyes started to see double or triple or 4x images. and i still blog instead of study. haix.

ok what can we do? pray. you know, prayer is like an S.O.S hotline. well, we do pray to communicate to God, and of course we don't pray to ask God for things as if He is our genie. so why do i call it S.O.S hotline? well, its something like an emergency hotline isn't it? we are in trouble. we might fail the responsibilites. whatever responsibilities we have, i believe God has placed it under us. so, if we lack the strength, lack the motivation to go on, pray. ask Him to give you strength. i did not say to ask to reduce the burden, i said ask for strength and motivation to go on. He will give you what you need to go on, afterall it is the responsibilites He gave you. ok if you get your girlfriend pregnant before marriage or nonsense like that, well i think you pretty much ask for the burden yourself. well, still a responsibility is a responsibility. you cannot run because you are tired. ask for help. just ask and ask and ask until you are given help. from God of course. please, ask with sincerity and faith.

and after writing this, i am still tired. i thought maybe writing a post will energize me a little. crap now i have to go back and study. get a few hours sleep, go back to work tomorrow. and then i cannot even sleep on the train. the stupid train is so crowded every morning i sometimes have difficulty just to step into the carriage. stand all the way. ok my whining stops here.