About Christianity

'i... forgot when it started... without realizing it, i tried my best to walk a different path from others. ah, the road i am referring to is not the normal road. it refers to the directional or goal-oriented kind. just like the way of life.'

'oh.'

'so i will try to prevent walking the same road as others (before it happens), then naturally my experiences will be different from others. because everyone's choices are mostly boring stuffs. why do they want to make such a boring choice, i really don't understand a single bit. and therefore, i found out one thing. if from the start i make a different choice from most people, usually there will be very interesting things waiting for me to explore.'

---

i said quite a few times in my posts, maybe more than a few times... enough times to make you sick of listening, that actually living a normal life is a bliss. and i have given you more than enough examples why some people would be willing to go through our sufferings 10 times over only to live the life we are living now - a normal life.

but among those of us who live a normal life, there are some who want to do something different in our normal lives. true, living a normal life may be a bliss. but if everyone goes to school, work, get married, have a family, die, then, should i do the same thing? perhaps this is the normal life. but if i do that, then who am i? just another digit in the office of statistics? or maybe just another insignificant human in this whole wide world?

maybe you agree living a normal life is good. but you don't want it to be too normal. contradicting, right? i think, the words of the opening scene above are what described most of us.

but the thing is, we can never escape from the path the majority of the human population walks. no matter how much you try to deviate away, we will always end up doing the same things as the others. this, comes from my very own experience. because i too, once tried to take a very different path from the others.

we can be a little different, or very different. but it doesn't change the fact we are running at the same place. just like a stadium track have 8 lanes, you might be running in lane 1, and me in lane 8. but in the end, we are still running in the same track at the stadium. i can even run the opposite direction. it doesn't make much of a difference. that is all.

and the problem is when you realized this very fact, maybe you will start to ask yourself, 'what the hell am i doing?' you found out that, maybe, you cannot answer yourself the question. did i say that in my last post? maybe i did. i am too lazy to check it.

no matter how different we are, it doesn't change the fact we need to study, get as good a result as we can, go out to work, earn as much as we can... etc. and finally, we all need to die. the same road we are taking.

if you dig deep enough, you may realize that what you actually want, is just simply to be different from others. not in anything, but in your experience. there is no fun doing what all the others are doing. is that true? to me, that is true. i hate crowds, and i hate to go to where everyone is going, literally and analogically (is there such a word?). if i can be a lane different from the others, i want to be in that lane.

and then you realize from our perspective, we can never be much different. but maybe, you can be somewhat different in the eyes of God. not that you are more important, or less important. not that He loves you more than the others, or loves you less. it is just, we are all special in His eyes. it doesn't matter which lane you are running, as long as you are running in His track.

maybe, there is a thing He wants you to do. and out of the so many people, only you can do it. not because you are very good at it, but maybe because He made you suitable to do it. of course, if we don't do it, there will be others God will send to do it. but you know, this is a chance for you to be different. maybe, in the eyes of humans, you are still just another person. but to God, you are different from the others.

maybe one day He will say, 'pencil-leads, you did the job i gave you, the thing only you could do at that time.' maybe, He will say that to me, or to you. i think, by default, we are all different in His eyes. but that isn't enough. being different is one thing, experiencing different things is another thing. i may be different, and i know i am. but the problem is, i don't want to experience the same thing every other person did.

then, God can also provide that for you. as all christians believe, we are all born with a different purpose in our lives. for some it is to teach, some to give, others to sing, and yet some to write... etc. the list never ends, at least in my limited knowledge. a path specially for us. maybe some other people will run alongside us. but that path we run, is futher divided into sub-lanes. a lane only for us. a lane which no others can run. a lane which only we can experience. it may be a bit similar to others. but it is not the same as others.

then if you follow God, there is no need to try to walk a different path from others. because He has specially prepared a path for you. it is a path, where you will experience things you won't regret. you have your path, and i have my path. so, if you are willing, ask God to show you that path. and then you can walk it. walk a path of normal life, yet different from others. lastly, it will be a path with many interesting things waiting for you to explore.

do you know what is the one thing all humans strive for at one time or another, even up to the point of their death? different people have different answers. but for me, the answer is freedom. everyone is trying to be free.

when we were young, we studied hard in schools so that with our results, we can have the freedom to choose the next school we want to go to and the courses we want to go. when we were older, we worked hard for money, so that we can spend as we want without worry. there are some who hold on to positions of powers, so that they can do what they want. it did not matter whether the intention is good or bad. in the end, everyone is trying to seek for the freedom to do whatever they want. isn't that so? i thought so.

to be free, we sacrificed a lot of things. step by step we walked towards that freedom we want. and when we reached the end of the road, we looked forwards and we say, 'hey! there is this new set of freedom i want!' and we ran towards that goal. again and again, again and again, we repeat this cycle. until when? maybe to our deaths. maybe, just before we die, we were struggling with disease, trying to be free from all health problems. or when we give in to illness, we just want to be free from suffering.

in a way, we are free to choose what we want. in a way, we are not free, because we are all rushing towards that goal. am i contradicting myself? i don't know. maybe i am. maybe i am not.

and if you realized, that if we go along with the system of this world, we can never be free. bill gates may be the richest man on earth, but he isn't free from some other things we may not know of. some tribal king elsewhere may be the most powerful in his own area, but he isn't free from stuffs like potential war. we are striving towards a goal we can never achieve.

then i thought, maybe there is another kind of road towards freedom we can take. as usual, this is a christian blog. if i don't preach, the existence of this blog would be invalid.

God offers us a freedom. not freedom from sickness. not freedom from financial problems. it is freedom from sin. we are born into this world, and naturally the sin of this world has a hold on us. it is in our nature to sin. and as we walk down the path of sin, maybe what we see will be a road towards freedom. but in actual fact, it is not. in actual fact, maybe it is a web of chains slowly wrapping itself around us. and then we sink into the swamp of anything except freedom.

God offers us a life free from sin. of course, we are humans. and we do sin sometimes. christians are humans. christians are not God. but at least, we know when we are wrong. we know that we should repent. we know the consequences of sinning.

if we stop sinning and obey God, maybe we will still have worldly problems. but i think, their impact may not be as great as before. because God is with us. actually He is with us whether we like it or not. He gives us a kind of freedom we cannot achieve on our own. i guess, if i have to say, it is spiritual freedom.

once you know what is truly important to you, maybe the freedom of this world that you seek may not be so important afterall. because there is another kind of freedom waiting for you when you die. there is freedom of peace in your heart when you follow God. as if, this kind of freedom is the greatest freedom of all. that to get this freedom, you won't mind anything else. the freedom we have when we follow God. yes, in my opinion, this freedom is a freedom more valuable, more precious and more important than any kind of freedom.

maybe we can have lots of power. maybe, we can have lots of money. maybe, we are healthy. but if we have these kinds of freedom only yet still got entangled in the web of sin, then we are not really free. our eyes tell us we are free, but in actual fact we may be sinking.

maybe if we follow God we may not have a lot of achievements in terms of the human measurement. but, this freedom that God gives us, it allows us to walk freely. maybe we are poor. maybe we are weak. or maybe we are sick. but at least, along the road of life, we can walk freely. at least along this road of life which we only walk once, in this short road, we can find happiness. because we are free.

i don't know about you. but to me, this is the true freedom. maybe to you i am still an immautre person who haven't seen the world. but to me, this is freedom. what is your freedom? the freedom that in order to get, you can sacrifice everything else? a freedom that in order to get it, you can sacrifice your money, your pride, your prestige... what is this freedom you are looking for?

if you haven't found it, i would like to introduce you to my God. i am sure He will be able to tell you the meaning of true freedom. and then, you will be free, if you walk with Him.

'not yet... give up... i know... i still can't give up. because the place i want to go, is in front of me... i still want to move forwards more, and more, and more. i must go to that place. to go to the end of this road. the one who guided me to walk this 'road' was (you)... that's why i must surpass (defeat) you.'

---

in this story, one of the most powerful man on earth took in an orphan into his home. this orphan was being chased after by a lot of people who were after his head, and for that reason he was alone, and he hated the world. never believing in anyone, never looking for a place where he belonged. his only aim was to get stronger and stronger, and to kill everyone. to stand at the top of everyone, so that he need not fear for his life anymore. naturally as a kid, no matter how good he was, he was unable to defeat this powerful man, who was stronger than him, who had more fighting experience than him.

but instead of killing this boy, the man took him into his home, and taught him skills to get stronger. he showed him the warmth of a home, and that not all the people on earth were after his life. at that time, he could not adapt, and soon after (which was a few years later) he left that house. like another of his oprhan friend said, 'this can't be helped. keikoku and i are like orphans. to understand the warmth of a family is impossible. because from the moment we were born, we are forced to live in a world that has nothing to do with it (a world where they were constantly being hunted).'

i will cut short the story. the boy later found out that living alone is meaningless. and he had found friends, people he wanted to protect, things he wanted to protect. as was said during his battle with his master and 'brother', the one who guided him to that world of warmth was him. when he had found out the very one who rescued him out of his misery had already walked that very path of loneliness he was rescued from and wanted to take away the things that was precious to him (its complicated. read the story), he realized he had to defeat his master no matter what, to protect what was important to him, and to save this very man who had made his mistake.

there are people like keikoku around the world. maybe not as extreme as him. nevertheless, the path of loneliness, the path where you reject every single human who came to you is a path many people take. as we walk through our lives, sometimes we see people like that. like what was said, it is not that they didn't want to experience warmth, it is just they can't do it. they could not understand it.

but like the master, which later revealed he did all sorts of things to help that boy, we can help as much as we can. maybe, the person will not show any reaction. like keikoku, he did not manage to fit in to his new home. and he ran away. years later, he came back to the one who saved him. because of this one man who tried to help him as best as he could, he could go out and make new friends. his savior had built in the foundation for him. his master may not be able to walk down the road with him, but he had pointed out that road to him.

sometimes, when we help, we may not see results immediately. or maybe we will never be able to see the results. but that does not mean all our efforts are wasted. i am sure, if we want to help someone sincerely, God knows what to do. of course, that is if that help is according to God's plan. i mean you don't sincerely help a person to murder another person right?

so if God asks you to help, even if you don't see the results, it doesn't mean your work is insignificant. we trust in Him to do what He planned. you see, keikoku's master may not be the one who did the last act of saving him from that world of darkness. but he definitely showed keikoku the way. without his help, he would never be able to start off from that road and walk down it. saving a person may not take the effort of only one person. maybe, it is a stage by stage step, with each step involving different people. but as long as we are called to a stage to pull a person out, if we can, then we should do it.

i don't know about you. but i think this is a very well-written story. a story that is applicable to real-life too. of course, real-life may not have that much drama. but in essence it is about the same. i think, even if i am not the one to walk down the road with a person, as much as i want to, if i can at least show him or her, 'here. you see... this is the way you should walk...' then, i think, it will be good too.

Even though fate is fleeting
As long as you live
Life goes on
Eternally
To anywhere, as long as you're strong

Though I may die
As long as you live
Life goes on
Eternally
Continues to anywhere, as long as you're strong

---

is it nice? the above. well not written by me though. the woman, even when she was dying, was telling the man to have hope. to continue on living even when she is not around.

i had made a post before on the sudden death or departure (not neccessary death) of someone (see The Last Time He Saw Her). sometimes, fate is fleeting. well, fate. some believe, some do not. i don't believe fate controls everything though. maybe you can call it God's plan, luck, co-incidence, destiny... it mean the same darn thing. something beyond your control. to simplify it, we call it fate, since it fits in with the story as well.

as we all know, people do die. obviously. sometimes they die early, sometimes they die late. sometimes it is others who die, sometimes it is us. well, doesn't matter. someone is going. it is one thing to die, it is another to leave a heartbroken person behind. well, if you die and no one is sad, i guess you better start reflecting on your life.

haha i have discovered a contradiction. if you die and nobody is sad, then it doesn't really reflect well on you. but if you are a good guy and you die, people are sad for you. but then you wouldn't want people to be sad for you. oh well. this paragraph only serves to point out this irony.

you see, if we die, people do get sad. family, friends, lovers, children...etc. sometimes people cannot take it well. sometimes people cannot move on at the death of a loved one. it is not strange, right? especially if it is a sudden or horrible death. 911 incident, murder...etc. unexpected deaths. people usually find it harder to move on in such a case.

as long as you live, life goes on, eternally. to anywhere, as long as you are strong.

this woman, even when she was dying, was trying to console the man, and help him move on. even though she might die, she knew that the man's time was not up yet. she could not be with him, and he had to be alone. yet, life goes on.

literally, life goes on as long as the heart continues pumping. the brain may be dead, but as long as the heart is working, medically, you are living. but, living without a purpose, living in the past, living in grief, it is not really living. that's why the woman said, 'life goes on, eternally, to anywhere, as long as you are strong.'

as long as he is strong enough to stand, life goes on. he is not a living dead. a human with a path in front of him. he may be sad, but he can continue walking. as long as he is strong, life goes on, until it is his time to go. well the fact about life going on eternally in this case is exaggerated. since it is not reality. well eternal life do exist in heaven though.

both these 2 characters are very admirable aren't they. the guy is so much in love with the woman that he won't be able to go on as long as she died. but at the same time the woman knew, and asked him to move on. a selfless love, a sincere love and a genuine love. what am i saying? i think at 0100h in the morning my thinking is a bit messed.

*points at the clock* blame the time, not my incompetence at critical thinking at such a weird time.

back to the topic. a person's death is not end of the world. well maybe in a certain sense to you it is the end of the world. but you are still alive. and you are not dead. (they mean the same thing don't they? blame the time.)

it may be very hard to get up. so if you know someone who needs to get up, why not lend him a helping hand? if you are alone and you cannot get up, why not ask God for help? although He is our God, and our Lord, we can actually ask Him for help. because He is one who cares for us. if we are sad, He is sad. maybe, sometimes the way a person died made you wonder if there really is a God. this, i don't know how to say it to you. because i didn't lose anyone is a tragic manner that i would doubt God. but while i am still in this blissfully ignorant state, i can tell you that there is a God. maybe one day, if i doubt God, then i would need you to remind me of the same thing i am reminding you today.

life moves on. because she loves him, she didn't want him to be so sad he could not go forwards. similarly, you too right? if you die, you wouldn't want the ones who love you be so sad they could not move on. so, if you are the one living, you can be also sure the one who died wouldn't want you to be in such a state of grief for so long. because she loves you, and wouldn't want you to be like that. so, stand up and move forwards. and as you move forwards, you can take her memories together with you. as long as you remember her, she will always be there. at least, for once in your life, you have someone whom you love deeply. and for that, you have experienced the greatest human emotion of all.

so stand up. as long as you are strong, life goes on. to anywhere (well not neccessary true). even though fate is fleeting, but that period of short happiness would accompany you till the day you die. so, don't cry anymore. the road is still ahead of you. so, walk that road, walk forwards. just like the way she wanted you to.

just like that, on the first day of february, shiki and i walked on the path in the night. that really was not unusual, just like a scene of our normal lives. ...but when i think back later, that was also undoubtedly the last day kokutou mikiya looked at ryogi shiki.

ever since i was a kid, i already knew the possibility of seeing someone for the last time. at that time, if i am not wrong, i was no more than 10 years old. maybe 8, maybe 9. i forgot. i don't know about you, but at that time i knew, that whenever i say goodbye to someone else, that really might be the last goodbye i will ever say.

in our lives, we have people who walk the same path as us. our family, our friends, our beloved, and God. they are a big part of our lives, and in a way, they are indispensible. but just as i mentioned before (in my previous post titled 'roads'), that everyone has a different path to walk. one day, sooner or later, we will have to split up with them, the only exception being God.

because everyone has a different road to walk, it will be impossible to walk with each other all the way. some of us took a turn to other places, some of us has a very short road. then, have you ever wondered, what would happen, if someone close to you no longer appear in front of you again?

for some of us, we were given the grace to know how much longer will a person stay with us. for some of us, it comes without warning. suddenly, you realize the person who was walking beside you earlier on will never walk with you again. or maybe, for a very long time now, you know that someone will no longer walk with you when his or her path goes into the direction you cannot go yet. or maybe, you will be going along a road that they cannot walk. not that a person has to die, but sometimes, friends do go very different paths, so different that it would be almost impossible to keep in contact again.

although i had always known that when i say goodbye to a person, that might be the last time i am doing that, the fact that when it actually happened, you realize you could never prepare enough. because sometimes you don't know who it will be, and when it will be. and sometimes, the fact that even though you have a countdown to that day, when the day comes, you might have realize that no matter what you do, you cannot prepare enough. maybe it would no longer come as a surprise, but still, it was as if all the preparations you had made were just for the sake of giving youself a better self-control when the time comes.

oh well, maybe it is just me.

there are special moments in my life which i spent with some people, be it with a particular friend, or a group of friends, or family. because time will not repeat, or maybe you will never get another chance again, i tend to want to treasure the moments i spend with people around me. sometimes consciously, sometimes not. but in the end, i will remember them. of course, i don't show it out. it will be crazy to do that.

not that maybe someone is going to leave you, it is sometimes you know you are going to leave other people. that when the time comes, the goodbye or the smile you give will be the last. again, not that you have to die.

so, whenever i can, i will try to remember bits and pieces of memories i share together with those important to me. maybe, if i am walking along the streets with a very special friend, i would want to remember the conversation we talked about, the scenery around us, and most importantly, the feeling i had when i am with this friend. or maybe, i would want to keep in my memories this group of friends whom i always hang out with, and remember their lame jokes, and not forgetting their habits and actions. maybe remembering all the different kinds of expressions of a particular person would also be another way of doing it.

and little by little, storing them in the brain, hoping that one day, when you really have to leave them, when you cannot see them anymore, you would have this treasured memories. of course, we have cameras, we have technology. but photographs cannot replace memories, especially in a situation where there would be no more contact. photographs can only aid you in remembering. because ultimately, it is memories that have feelings attached to them. and the jpeg file from technology only aids in your memory recall. and sometimes, people don't take pictures.

and one day, when you take your memories out of your brain to see, you would have known that you share those special moments of your life with your friends, or your family, or a particular person whom you love.

like mikiya and shiki, the last time you see each other might just be a normal day (or night), in a scene not so different from your everyday life. so maybe, when you hear each other's voice, you would want to remember how it sounds like. maybe, when you see each other, you would want to remember how s/he looks like. remember the smile, remember the angry expression, the sad emotion, the irritated face..etc. in this case, the story applies to 2 lovers. but in real life, we can apply to family, friends and of course, lovers.

if today, everyone suddenly disappear on you, or you disappear from everyone else, walking on a road nobody else can go, of the many people you know, whose memory do you want to keep? maybe it is just one person's memory, maybe it is a group. be it family, friends, or your lover. maybe you would want to start keeping those memories.

not that i am cursing you or being pessismistic, but sometimes reality don't give us a countdown. or maybe, we don't want to know about the countdown.

i don't know about you, but for me, when the countdown finally hits 0, i want to be able to remember special moments of my life, that i once walked down the road with my friend(s).

maybe, one day, after a long long time, you would forget how the person who walked besides you looks like. or maybe, you would forget how that person sounds like. you might even forget how that person feels like when you touched him/her. but at least, if bit by bit you store your memories away and treasure them, despite memory decay, you would have known, that during a part of your life, you once walked with this person before. that once, along a road not so different from the everyday lives, in a reality not too different from the rest of the people, you spent that special moments with this important person in your life.

----

this post has nothing to do with christianity. i only wrote it in a moment of impulse. and halfway through, an unexpected interruption disturbed my flow. and hence it resulted in a not very smooth flow of the story, which made me kind of unhappy at myself when i read what i wrote. rubbish article, and the flow looked like trash.

the above paragraph is just an excuse for myself...