About Christianity

While wearing a school uniform that doesn't suit me
I'm being swallowed by an overflowing crowd.
I'm at my patience's limit and want to scream.

Even if I open a textbook
The answers aren't written there.

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you ever felt like the girl? doing something that don't suit you, doing something you don't like. being pushed by the crowd, being pushed by society. just because everyone is doing it, we have to do it. just because it is the unspoken rule, we have to obey it. being mixed in with everyone, doing what everyone else is doing, even if you don't like it. i am sure, at one point of time or another, you have felt that.

and then we endure it. endure the hardship, we tell ourselves. everyone is doing it, so can i. then maybe, at one point of time, when you finally cannot take it anymore, when you finally realized everything is pointless, and then your patience is finally worn off, like that girl, you want to scream. scream at who? no one in particular. nothing in particular.

the frustration finally overcame you. you are not made like that. you are not meant to do this kind of thing (say study, or working a particular job). but you realized in the end you could do nothing. you need to be educated to find a better job next time. you need to work to support your family. and in the end, you realized, although it is pointless, although you don't like it, you still have to do it. why? society demands it. unspoken rule. and then you really really want to scream, or to shout. anything, anything to get the pressure out. get the frustration out.

maybe some of us would do a more practical thing. search for answers. what can we do? what should i do? what opportunities are there? you search and you search. like that girl, you cannot find that in your textbooks. the math formulas did not teach you how to solve your life problems. the periodic table of chemistry did not tell you which element is the root of all problems. the physics theories did not tell you which theory you need to apply to get out of the mess. and biology only tells you it is only the hormones which screwed up.

no answers. the teacher did not teach you. the textbook is useless. for all that you learn, you still end up here. for all that you try, you are still in a mess. and you really really don't know what to do anymore. and once again, you realized, that screaming is also useless. throwing things, shouting, eating pills...they don't solve your problems.

in the crowd, you are the only odd one out. maybe, that is true. maybe, that is not. maybe, everyone is thinking like you. but, nobody notices. because you, like everyone else, despite your helplessness and frustration, is forcing yourself to walk forwards one more step. keep up with the crowd. go along with them. and so, collectively, we move forwards, each ignorant of the screams of the person walking beside you.

where is this going to lead to? you tell yourself, to a better future. that is why you are trying so hard. to a better future? i hope so. if not, for all the effort you put in, for all the suffering you go through, what is it for? but the future is not certain. it is not like you apply the differentiation formula you are sure to get the gradient of a graph. nobody knows what the future is like. we can increase our chances of making sure our future happens, but nobody knows for sure. nobody knows. '100 correct steps to reach the top, one wrong step to fall'. you heard that before?

then what are we working for? what are we suffering for? if not for a better future, then what?

i don't know. and i will never know. God knows. He knows why you are walking that path you don't like. maybe, it is His plan. maybe, it is because you don't listen and you take a wrong step.

what is ahead of us? we don't know. God knows. but because He knows, we can look to Him for help. maybe, He won't show us the road ahead of us. maybe, He will only tell us to walk and trust in Him. but because He knows the way, we can trust in Him. step by step, little by little, He will give us the strength we need to continue walking. or maybe, He will bring us to an unknown road that He believes is the correct road for us.

and as we walk with Him, maybe we are still suffering. but, we will not be wearing the wrong kind of uniform anymore. maybe, we would still want to scream. but, He has the answers the textbooks did not have. maybe, we are at our patience's end, but He will turn you into a more patient person. the road might be hard, but He knows the way.

so, believe in Him. so you won't need to scream at your own helplessness. so you won't need to search the textbooks for the answers that are not there. so you won't need to wear a uniform that does not suits you.

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am i repeating my message over and over again in my blog? oh well...

erm... no. this is not the song by rihanna. ok it is lame. =.=

so it was raining, and i had to go out of the house. i hate rain. it makes the floor wet and slippery. it makes going out difficult. it makes me wet. it makes my stuffs wet. and if i am wearing shoes and socks, my feet get wet. and everything goes so slowly. people walk so slowly. the traffic moves so slowly. it is to me, very irritating and frustrating.

i hate to use an umbrella. it is troublesome. so whenever possible, unless absolutely neccessary, i will not use an umbrella. but wherever i go, i will carry one with me. i am a firm believer of: i would have something i don't need rather than need something and don't have it. now isn't that familiar? yea. the girl from AVP said it. hahax. sue me for plagarism.

riddle: what am i going to say in this post?

answer: another civics and moral education lesson.

flame me for being one who keep preaching what i don't do. just don't do it on my blog. free speech is prohibited.

ok. i sidetracked enough. randomed enough.

sometimes we treat God like an umbrella instead of our Lord. as christians, we should always treat God as our Lord. well, technically if you are not a christian you should do that too. but many christians treat God as an umbrella instead. why do i say that?

when everything goes well, ie the sun is shining and there is no rain, we put God behind us, like an umbrella inside our bag, and forgot all about Him. why? because He is not needed, well, that was what we think. or that was at least how we acted. but when there is rain, ie when there is trouble, we pray and ask for help, just like how we remember we have an umbrella.

in actual fact we are supposed to put God as priority. even when there is no rain, we should not forget about Him. there are times when i too wished that i do not need to follow rules, and do what i want. and of course many times i did what i wanted instead of doing the right thing. i guess that is like treating Him as an umbrella. because when things go wrong, we suddenly remember there is a God who can control all things. that, in a way, is treating Him like a genie.

of course, i have no right to scold people or something like that, because i am guilty myself. but it does not mean i cannot say what i think, and try to let those who read this have a new perspective. i have said what i wanted to say. God is our Lord, not our umbrella. whether there is rain or shine, the top place should always be for Him. talk is easy, because everyone knows how to talk. but it doesn't mean you cannot try. of course sometimes we pass sometimes we fail. but at least, it is better than not bothering to try. i failed many times too.

i guess, if you really need a reason, i shall give you one. you have 2 options: enjoy now on earth and burn in hell for all eternity or suffer now and enjoy in heaven for all eternity. when you die, the game is set. and you either smile forever or scream forever. at least, if you suffer here now, you won't need to scream.

i was at the train station one evening, going back home from work. i was walking and reading my manga (japanese comics) along the platform when suddenly i heard a child screaming very loudly in a voice full of fear.

the little girl thought she was lost for a moment, in that train station. from the looks of it, she was around 3 years old, 5 at the most. with a very loud voice full of fear she kept screaming for her mother. everyone turned to look at her, but luckily her mother was nearby. let's not talk about how her mum let the kid wander away. the point is, the kid got terrified when she thought she was separated from her mother in a place which was not in her house.

question is, why did she get terrified? the answer is obvious. because her mother is the only one she knows will take care of her, who will protect her. nobody else could be trusted. in a foreign world which is not her home, in a world full of the unknown and strangers, it is logical that she will cling to her mother. all children did that. i remembered that me too, when i was a little kid, got terrified when i got separated from my parents. all children, by default, by instinct, cling to their parents, because their parents will lead the way, because their parents will take care of them. in their absence, a child cannot do anything at all. that is how dependent a child is of her parents.

moral of the story? in our own way, we are like little children of God. how surprising then, that when we got lost in the world of sin, we are not terrified. sometimes we even want to break away from God, from the Father who will lead the way, and protect us. we want to get lost, get trapped in a world of unknown and a world of dangers. we thought we became independent, and we didn't scream in fear when we got separated from the Father, we didn't run about looking for Him like the girl in the train station. we thought we were ok. but are we really ok? like the little kid, if our Father (in her case is her mother) is not there to take care of us, not because He failed us but because we insist on getting away from Him, who will protect us and help us in the world of darkness? who will lead us to the correct way?

i am not saying we have to scream like a little kid everytime we sin. what i am saying is we have to give the same seriousness or even more when we got lost spirtually compared to the little girl who got lost for that few seconds. in that scream i could clearly sense her fear and her terror as she desperately cried out for her mother. will we then, cry out to our Father when we get lost to allow Him to lead us? or will we think we are independent enough to walk on our own?