About Christianity

'don't tell me... you have already... forgotten how to smile?'

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the once kind and loving king, upon witnessing the crumbling of his country (which was actually not his fault), seeing the suffering of his people and not able to do anything about it, had despaired over the situation.

over the course of despair, he had seeked an alternate route to end all of the sufferings... it's complicated... the story. so just take it as for now he turned evil. the kindest person who wished, more than anyone else for his people to gain happiness... turned into a person more evil than anyone and more cruel than anyone.

in one of my posts long ago, i wrote about how people went about wearing fake smiles. i thought, that was normal. and i still think it is. but you know, to forget how to smile, even if it is a fake smile, i wonder, how tragic is that?

i don't think it happens in stories only. i believe somewhere out in this big big world, out of the population of 4 billion there are some who really had forgotten how to smile. a smile represents that a person is experiencing a happy emotion. although it is sad that we are always wearing fake smiles, it is still within the acceptable range. because we still remember the meaning of a smile.

a person who had forgotten how to smile, i can only think that he or she had gone through despair beyond his or her own endurance. like the king in the story, the despair over the years had sunk him down into such despair that he saw no more hope. he had already forgotten the happy things.

despair, i think, is a very destructive emotion. not everyone of us go through it. don't bother those emo people who for a little hormonal change in their body which caused a slight depression acted like they are in despair.

despair is a state which one person enters when he cannot take any more pressure, be it grief, or hopelessness... etc. it is not easy to sink into despair. but i guess, it is not easy to come out either. i guess there is no need for me to say this, it is the ultimate level of hopelessness, it is one of the most extreme of feelings one can ever get.

since it is a feeling so extreme, certainly it will change a person. just like how hope can bring a person up, despair can bring a person down. a person in despair may not act like one. afterall, there are all kinds of people. and reality is or may be quite different from stories. not all the people will go on a drinking binge, or coop up at home rotting away. in reality, a person in despair may still go through the motions of life. the only difference is that, he doesn't hope anymore, doesn't dream anymore, doesn't expect anymore, doesn't look forward to anything anymore. everyday, walking on and on along that road of life. nothing but just walk along the road aimlessly, waiting for the end to come. to me, this is my best description of despair.

maybe, he will forget how to smile. maybe he will forget the important things to him. no, it should be, he had already forgotten how to smile, and forgotten the important things. forgetting to smile means to forget all the happy things which happened to a person, and all the happy things which can happen to him. it is a very scary feeling. yet at the same time, those feeling despair may not actually find it scary.

i did not go through despair before. and the above is the nearest description of what i know of what may happen to people in reality. maybe i am just saying what i do not know. if i am, please correct me.

as christians, despair is a feeling we must never feel. because hope is one of our most important way of life. if i walk along the road of life, and i met one person having despair, would i lend him a helping hand? will i tell him, 'hey! look in front. the light is shining.' will i do that? i don't know. i hope i do. because i think, that kind of feeling, isn't supposed to be in this world.

if all else fails, we can turn to our last hope. turn to God. He is the one who wishes for our happiness too. with Him around, despair can be taken away easily. your tears can be wiped away. even the smile which you had forgotten, He will let you remember. then as you believe in Him, place your hope in Him, one day, you will be able to smile again, and not just a fake smile, but a genuine smile which comes from your heart. because, you have remembered once again, that you actually know how to smile too.

someday, moka and i will graduate from this academy. it's also possible that the human and monster worlds will become separated. that's why i decided to make as many happy memories as i can while i'm still here.

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well i guess i did not really say anything much about christianity in my last few posts. haax well i guess i should come back to the main theme of christianity, otherwise i will just stray more and more and this will end up being my personal diary reporting my daily life.

so, the guy, a human was enrolled into a monster academy by mistake, and all his classmates are monsters. but this human mixed in surprisingly well with some of the monsters. and so he got a group of very close friends, or you might say, a clique.

because that was school, he knew school would end one day. the path he took with his best friends was only a short one. one day, everyone would have to go their own routes. they might meet up again, and they might still be friends, but maybe not as close as before. not being together as much as before. so, he decided to enjoy his time, and create happy memories with his friends.

are you like that? i know that i have done that a few times. knowing one day everything will end, so that's why i tried to remember the happy times. if my brain cannot hold that much information, i write them down. well at least i used to. there is no need to tell you how to do it, as you might already have done it. the relationship with humans. many of us have different ways of handling it.

so i thought, today i will talk about the relationship with God. what is your relationship with Him? Him your genie and you the 'master'? God your Lord and you His servant? Father and child? Friend? well, i certainly hope you don't treat Him as a genie. although i sometimes make that mistake, like 'God i screwed up the exams but please let me pass!'

yes, for christians if we die we go to heaven, well obedient christians. you don't expect to sin as you like and expect to go to heaven right? but i thought, in my limited knowledge, understanding and wisdom, the relationship we have with God in heaven and on earth will be somehow different. you do understand right?

yes here we have trials and we live life as a sinful human. a weak human. someone made from dust, or cells. certainly our relationship here is different from when we go to heaven and live life as someone who passed the test. we are doing the test here, enjoying the rewards up above.

like the academy, our life here on earth is also a training ground. the academy prepare life as an adult. the earth prepare life in heaven. our life here on earth, like the academy, is only but for a short time. here, we have friends, we meet people, and we have God. and then, when the time is up, we have to go. where to? i hope heaven for you.

and for our time here, we have all kinds of memories. happy, sad, nice and bad memories. they are inevitable. well you could say life would be boring with only happy memories. only when we experienced ups and downs can we say we live life in a much more fulfilling way. of course, as usual, i am talking about normal ups, normal downs. those who got their family tortured to death in a war zone, those who have incurable disease at a young age.... you know, i guess i really cannot say anything. because i do not understand their pain, hence i am in no position to talk.

so, our walk with God on earth, well i guess it is like a normal relationship in some way. there are those who are disappointed with God, some are happy. some are sad why God did a certain thing, some are frustrated we don't see a way out of our life's mess...etc. basically, every single emotion you felt towards a human can be the same emotions you feel towards God. some even hate God. and i know people like that.

we keep the happy memories we have with others deep in our hearts. do we do that with God? i thought you should, although again i myself don't do it. well at least see what i have to say...hahax. God is like our friend too, and we walk with Him. just that we cannot see Him. but He is always there.

if we have a deep relationship with Him, i suppose we will feel all kinds of emotions too. so, we would have happy memories. happy memories with friends are important and we treasure them. what about happy memories with God? we should treasure them more right? i don't really have many happy memories with God, or maybe i did not carefully keep them in my hearts.

but in a relationship, memories are important. they are proof that you once walked with a person. that you once laughed with a person, cried for a person, angry at a person, frustrated at a person...etc. the same too. what is your proof with your relationship with God? not the Bible knowledge you have gathered. not the miracles you have experienced. not the prayers you did. i think these are all superficial. memories - they are the proof.

your walk here with God is short. and then you either go to heaven or go to hell. regardless it will be a different kind of relationship, i think. so, while you are here in this academy, before you graduate, collect as many happy memories as you can. and to do that, you need to build a close relationship with Him. and then one day if you are in heaven, i hope, you can take out all these happy memories and smile at them. because they are proof of that time you have with God, the time which although could never return back, will always remain in your heart.

i wish you all the best in collecting as many happy memories with your friends and God as possible. so that this walk in life will always remain in your heart and bring a smile to your face. time may continue to run towards eternity, but this frozen, special time will never decay (i don't suppose you will have memory decay in heaven, or when you write it down in a dairy on earth).

I was wandering aimlessly
I kept searching, though I had no clues
Make the memories you gave me
Into a song to heal my heart

Without making promises
Without deciding what words to say
You held me--and then I was certain
We could never go back to those days

---

wandering around aimlessly, without a goal. searching for something, yet had no clue. walking around aimlessly, perhaps, she too, like one of the many people, did not dare to dream again. why? obviously, from the above, she was hurt.

she looked back, and she saw happy memories. we all do look back when we are hurt, right? when we dare not look to the front, and when the present is too difficult, we do look back. and sometimes, we see happy memories. although i had said before that going back to our past and staying there do not help us at all, and instead was harmful, but, the happy memories can heal us.

like the girl said, make the memories she was given into a song to heal her heart. happy memories. they are proof that we once lived in happiness. and because we lived in happiness, we were able to have a true smile. sometimes, you might have discovered, that as we look through our memories, we were able to smile at our own recollections even in the most stressful of times, the most troubling of times. it seems, happiness is not only contagious to those around you, their impact is so great they can come out from the past to bring a smile to your current unhappy face.

why can looking at past memories heal our heart? i don't mean for you to stay and drown in the happy memories and never take a step forward again. that would be harmful.

as we look back and see those times we treasured, we are reminded once again, that maybe, even though we lost the time and could never get it back, we are still able to reach out and grab the happiness waiting for us further ahead of life's road. maybe, we are reminded that we can still live in bliss, instead of the gloomy and dark state we are currently in. maybe, as we look back, and our hearts get lightened up a bit, we find ourselves with the strength to face the reality, and to continue to walk forwards.

the girl had a special someone. and when she was down, he had held her. not saying anything, not promising anything. simply being with her, simply, hugging her. sometimes actions really do worth more than words. just being there is proof to the person that she is important enough that you are willing to spend time with her. hugging her, giving her the comfort she needed, i guess, that means a lot. of course, don't go round hugging girls you are not familiar with. don't ask for trouble.

promises can be broken, and words could be insincere. if you say something, who knows, maybe she may think you are just consoling her and none of the words are true. who knows, maybe if you make a promise, and you cannot keep it, she would think you are just insincere about the whole thing. so, if it is not neccessary, don't say any words if you don't mean it. don't make promises that might get broken. i don't know. maybe the situation demands that you make a promise. maybe, the situation demands that you say something. in that case, as we are all capable of, make your own judgement.

the guy, had gently reminded the woman, that she was not able to go back to those days. those days of her past when she was happy. those days when she felt joy, bliss and happiness. not that she could not experience these emotions again anymore in the future. but that the past is over, and it is gone. gently reminding her that the past is over, and to look over to the future. this, was what the man had did for her.

if we are walking aimlessly, without a goal, not knowing anything anymore, maybe, try to look back at your memories. the happy ones. and then, maybe you will find a source of healing. if you have friends who are hurt, if you can, be with her. there will be no need to promise anything. no need to say anything. being with her, gently reminding her that the future is still bright, that there is a road ahead for her to go on. there are happy memories, but in the end, they are still memories. we can take out and look at them, but not live in them.

and so, with a sincere heart, without even opening our mouths, we can actually help another person to get up on her feet again and walk towards the future.

of course this post is generally meant for those people with normal troubles. extreme problems, well i have not experienced them yet. can't really say much.

before his friend turned into sand, his friend asked him, 'so, what is your wish?'

'i just don't want to lose all these things. i only want, to take back all the happy memories of the past.'

and as he said that, all that was important to him turned into sand and disappeared.

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this teenage boy, in order to turn the current reality into something like the past, challenged 'god'. his past was that of a happy one, with friends around him, and had little troubles compared to his current situation. but as always, reality is not always beautiful. his important friends were gone, and all he had was a nightmarish reality and loneliness. he did all he could to go back to the past, to revert things back to the previous state. in the end, he challenged 'god'.

how many of us are like that? well, not to the extreme of challenging God. how many of us are stuck in the past, unable to look forwards?

life is beautiful sometimes, and ugly sometimes. if there is happiness, there is sadness. if there are ups, there are downs. success and failure. stress and relief. everyone experience the same thing - joy, grief, victory, loss..etc.

maybe, at your current stage of life, everything looks so bad. so bad you want to despair. so bad, like that boy, you think it is a nightmare. there is nothing in front for you to look forward to. whatever you do, you keep failing. and maybe, finally, you give up hope, and dare not hope anymore.

and when that happens, it is human tendency to look back to the past. to the past when everything was so beautiful. there are many reasons why we do that. maybe it is the only source of strength that lets us go on. maybe we want to go back to that state. maybe, just naturally, as if addicted by drugs, we cannot help but go back to the past where our memories are.

but, i thought, if we cannot let go of the past, we cannot move forwards. if we cannot let go of the past, we cannot face the reality now. in a way, it is like drugs. for a short moment, we thought it would help us go on. but in the long term, it actually makes us despair even more.

why do we still hold on to that past? because, it is very hard to let go. because, the reality we are facing now is too hard for us to bear.

sometimes i am like that too. even though i know i cannot keep on doing this anymore. like that boy, if we continue to do this, if we cannot let go of the past, whether by despair or by desperate attempts to return things to the original state, one day, we are going to lose every single thing important to us.

because, the past can never return to us. that is why, it is called the past.

we need to let go of the past. but letting go does not mean you have to forget them. the past is important. but if we cannot let go, we have no future, and our present is so dark we cannot move on.

talk is easy, right? i thought so. i only know how to talk, so i don't know what to do myself. but i thought, maybe i can introduce you someone who can help you. maybe, i thought, i would introduce you to my God.

if one day, or now, you find your present too dark to go on, your future too uncertain to move forwards, why not ask for help from my God? He knows the way, the past, the present, and the future. if the road is too dark, ask Him to light it up for you. if the future is too blur, ask Him to guide you. i cannot promise you the road He leads you will be smooth. but this i can promise you: He won't give you a road too hard for you to walk. this i can promise you: wherever He led you, there He will be with you too.

let go of your past, so your heart won't hurt anymore. so you can turn your head around, face the front and continue walking. i don't know how long you have to walk, but one day, you will be able to see the light. if you really cannot go on anymore, then ask God for help.

of course, as we walk, we sometimes do look back. i think, it is ok. as long as we don't reach out our hands and try to grab it and turn it to our reality. the past can never be the present.

but i think, maybe, from the present, like what the people in stories always do, we can tilt our head sideways a bit, smile and say to our past, 'i am glad i was there once. it really made me very happy.' or maybe, we can tilt our head sideways, smile and say to our friends, 'i am very happy i once walked this road with you.'

it won't be easy. but this, is the key for us to face the present, and to walk towards the future. so, turn back and smile. don't cry because the past is behind you. at least, you have a past you can look back to.

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fans may already know this - Mizuki Nana's dad passed away on 29th october 2008. it is on the news. anyway, my deepest condolences. her blog updates will be irregular for now though. for her blog entry on this issue, j1m0ne had done a translation of it on her website. http://atemonai.com/blog/mizuki-nana-on-her-fathers-passing/

'shiki, i have never felt myself smiling. i never smile because i want to smile, and i don't know the reason and the value of a smile. i really don't know what a smile is, because i have never felt happy.'

the above more or less sums up the emotional state of a person called kurogiri satuki.

i have an online friend who is a non-christian. and when i asked her why she did not want to be a christian, she told me the christians she met were all backstabbers and hypocrites. and none of the christians she knew acted like how a christian should act. and if christians did not act according to their own rules, why should she become a christian?

isn't it sad? that the christians she met are all like that. not only her, many of the people are like that too. as christians, we sometimes act worse than a person without a God. it is as if christians is just a group of people trying their luck to get into heaven.

like satuki, he could not smile because he never experienced happiness. if one never felt happy before, it would be then logical that one would never smile.

just like my friend, who never experienced a kind act from a christian before. what she did not experience, she could not know. and what she could not understand, she could not believe. this is not a story. this is a fact of life.

we see some kids who grow up in an abusive home turned out violent themselves. not that they can help it. but if they were never shown compassion, how then could they give out mercy to others?

as christians, most of the time we tried to spread the Gospel by going into all the theories and the preaching. but we failed to consider that, maybe before we do that, we should set an example. what they did not experience, they could not know, and therefore could not understand.

if you preach and teach all the theories, they would still not understand. they would not understand why a God who tell us to love would have followers who backstab each other. they would not know why believers of a faith based on love would behave worse than godless people.

if we were to set an example in our lives, people would be able to see. they would see and want to know why we are like that. christians are always taken as a reference point. maybe you would have heard things like, 'what? you are a christian and yet you scold vulgarities?' 'you are a christian yet you are so immoral?' nobody say things like 'you are a believer of xxx and yet you utter profanity?' or 'did religion xxx teach you to do these kind of bad things?'

no. nobody makes a reference to other religions when people do bad things. they ALWAYS link it to christianity. it did not matter if a person from religion xxx do all kinds of stuffs. but it ALWAYS shows up when a christian do all the kind of wrong things.

then, we are observed by other people. to preach to them about love, we have to show them what is love. to teach them about grace, we have to show them what is the meaning of grace. to let them understand salvation, we should not be too busy to shed each other's blood.

isn't it very sad, that through the things we do, we are deterring others from wanting to know more about our faith. the things we do, not only directly harm the people, it also indirectly lowered the chances of others from being saved.

usually becoming a christian is a step by step basis. if we cannot even show them the most basic and foundations of being a christian, then, how can they even be a christian?

because he never experienced happiness, satuki could not smile. and because non-believers never saw love from christians, then how could they believe in the God of love?