About Christianity

just like that, on the first day of february, shiki and i walked on the path in the night. that really was not unusual, just like a scene of our normal lives. ...but when i think back later, that was also undoubtedly the last day kokutou mikiya looked at ryogi shiki.

ever since i was a kid, i already knew the possibility of seeing someone for the last time. at that time, if i am not wrong, i was no more than 10 years old. maybe 8, maybe 9. i forgot. i don't know about you, but at that time i knew, that whenever i say goodbye to someone else, that really might be the last goodbye i will ever say.

in our lives, we have people who walk the same path as us. our family, our friends, our beloved, and God. they are a big part of our lives, and in a way, they are indispensible. but just as i mentioned before (in my previous post titled 'roads'), that everyone has a different path to walk. one day, sooner or later, we will have to split up with them, the only exception being God.

because everyone has a different road to walk, it will be impossible to walk with each other all the way. some of us took a turn to other places, some of us has a very short road. then, have you ever wondered, what would happen, if someone close to you no longer appear in front of you again?

for some of us, we were given the grace to know how much longer will a person stay with us. for some of us, it comes without warning. suddenly, you realize the person who was walking beside you earlier on will never walk with you again. or maybe, for a very long time now, you know that someone will no longer walk with you when his or her path goes into the direction you cannot go yet. or maybe, you will be going along a road that they cannot walk. not that a person has to die, but sometimes, friends do go very different paths, so different that it would be almost impossible to keep in contact again.

although i had always known that when i say goodbye to a person, that might be the last time i am doing that, the fact that when it actually happened, you realize you could never prepare enough. because sometimes you don't know who it will be, and when it will be. and sometimes, the fact that even though you have a countdown to that day, when the day comes, you might have realize that no matter what you do, you cannot prepare enough. maybe it would no longer come as a surprise, but still, it was as if all the preparations you had made were just for the sake of giving youself a better self-control when the time comes.

oh well, maybe it is just me.

there are special moments in my life which i spent with some people, be it with a particular friend, or a group of friends, or family. because time will not repeat, or maybe you will never get another chance again, i tend to want to treasure the moments i spend with people around me. sometimes consciously, sometimes not. but in the end, i will remember them. of course, i don't show it out. it will be crazy to do that.

not that maybe someone is going to leave you, it is sometimes you know you are going to leave other people. that when the time comes, the goodbye or the smile you give will be the last. again, not that you have to die.

so, whenever i can, i will try to remember bits and pieces of memories i share together with those important to me. maybe, if i am walking along the streets with a very special friend, i would want to remember the conversation we talked about, the scenery around us, and most importantly, the feeling i had when i am with this friend. or maybe, i would want to keep in my memories this group of friends whom i always hang out with, and remember their lame jokes, and not forgetting their habits and actions. maybe remembering all the different kinds of expressions of a particular person would also be another way of doing it.

and little by little, storing them in the brain, hoping that one day, when you really have to leave them, when you cannot see them anymore, you would have this treasured memories. of course, we have cameras, we have technology. but photographs cannot replace memories, especially in a situation where there would be no more contact. photographs can only aid you in remembering. because ultimately, it is memories that have feelings attached to them. and the jpeg file from technology only aids in your memory recall. and sometimes, people don't take pictures.

and one day, when you take your memories out of your brain to see, you would have known that you share those special moments of your life with your friends, or your family, or a particular person whom you love.

like mikiya and shiki, the last time you see each other might just be a normal day (or night), in a scene not so different from your everyday life. so maybe, when you hear each other's voice, you would want to remember how it sounds like. maybe, when you see each other, you would want to remember how s/he looks like. remember the smile, remember the angry expression, the sad emotion, the irritated face..etc. in this case, the story applies to 2 lovers. but in real life, we can apply to family, friends and of course, lovers.

if today, everyone suddenly disappear on you, or you disappear from everyone else, walking on a road nobody else can go, of the many people you know, whose memory do you want to keep? maybe it is just one person's memory, maybe it is a group. be it family, friends, or your lover. maybe you would want to start keeping those memories.

not that i am cursing you or being pessismistic, but sometimes reality don't give us a countdown. or maybe, we don't want to know about the countdown.

i don't know about you, but for me, when the countdown finally hits 0, i want to be able to remember special moments of my life, that i once walked down the road with my friend(s).

maybe, one day, after a long long time, you would forget how the person who walked besides you looks like. or maybe, you would forget how that person sounds like. you might even forget how that person feels like when you touched him/her. but at least, if bit by bit you store your memories away and treasure them, despite memory decay, you would have known, that during a part of your life, you once walked with this person before. that once, along a road not so different from the everyday lives, in a reality not too different from the rest of the people, you spent that special moments with this important person in your life.

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this post has nothing to do with christianity. i only wrote it in a moment of impulse. and halfway through, an unexpected interruption disturbed my flow. and hence it resulted in a not very smooth flow of the story, which made me kind of unhappy at myself when i read what i wrote. rubbish article, and the flow looked like trash.

the above paragraph is just an excuse for myself...

'the process of falling down is actually much more scarier than the state of being fallen.'

the above is really what i thought. it did not come from any story, not that i know of. it is just, this idea popped into my mind.

every human started from nothing. and from nothing we work our way up, whether with or without help from other humans, but definately with help from God. and then we climb up as high as possible, and maybe along the way we see all the others slowly falling off one by one. of course along the way, we will meet more and more capable people who are still climbing.

all that goes up must come down. it is the common sense law of the people. it did not apply in physics and in the law of gravity only, it also applies to us humans' successes. i guess one cannot keep on climbing up without failure. students try to study to aim for the top, workers try to get promoted, bosses try to expand their business...etc. everyone is working, and for every success there are many other failures.

i recently made a post about trusting God in all things, that He will give you peace if you trust Him. i think that's what i wrote. i am too lazy to go back and check. there is another situation i did not say, which is the reason why i am writing this now.

sometimes as we all know, failure is not immediate. sometimes it is a gradual process. how to say... it is like seeing yourself beginning to fail, to fall away, while you yourself cannot do anything about it. you begin to see other people succeed, and you yourself losing more and more things from your failure. so maybe you would want to say, you trusted God, and still you see yourself falling.

maybe if you are just given one big blow and you fell straight from the top, things might get better. because even in that state, it is still better than to see yourself losing and failing little by little. because the reason why falling is so scary is, you have no idea how much more you are going to lose. you have no idea how much more screwed or messed up your life is going to be. and the worst thing is, there is no one around who can help you. did i just accurately described what some of you felt at a certain point of time or another? if you haven't met with this kind of situation before, don't worry. your turn will come.

you would want peace, and maybe you did feel peace for that day after assurance from God. but after that, you find yourself getting hit in the face once more by failure. it is this impending doom you cannot avoid no matter how hard you try. so, how do you have peace? i seriously have no idea. because i am just 21, i don't have much experience. i don't have much failures to learn my lessons from. i only know someone who has more experience than anyone, more wise than anyone, and more capable than anyone. and He is God.

if i have to say something to console you (even if it totally doesn't work on myself), maybe i would tell another real life story.

i worked in quite a few places, and met quite a few people. all the people have a different story to tell. this is a story (or rather a comment) told by my superior, a middle-aged man who did not have much opportunities left compared to a younger person.

he said, 'when i was young, i tried very hard to climb up the ladder. i climbed and climbed, and when finally i reached the top, i realized the ladder leaned on the wrong wall.'

do you get what he meant? he is one of those who succeeded in what he did. but after getting success, he realized that what he got was not what he wanted. i thought, among all the stories told by my fellow colleagues, his was the most i could learn from.

failure, something not accepted by most of the people. and something almost condemned by the rest. nobody associates with losers, because they cannot gain anything from losers. but maybe, the act of falling down slowly but surely is God's own way to tell us not to be proud when we succeed next time, that for all those who fail, we are to show them compassion, because we know how it feels like. or maybe, we fail because He knew our ladder leaned on the wrong wall, and in His love and concern for us, He is dragging us down now so that we won't waste any more time climbing the ladder which we will later regret.

if this is any consolation to you who failed, then i think this post is not in vain. i hope, to those who fail, you will gain success one day, but still be humble and show compassion to those who fail. and most importantly, be grateful to God for the time He dragged you down.

of course, all these are my opinions. i have no idea what God is thinking when you failed, because i am not Him. i can only merely guess... you yourself should know the reason why you fail...

the last time i made a blog post, i guess it was around more than a week ago? i am lazy to check the date. ok, back to what i want to say...

i love to daydream. unless i am very tired, i daydream every chance i get. i daydream in class, during my travelling time, during exams, during my exercises, during meals etc. i daydream childish things. maybe some of you, or most of you might be like me. or maybe only a few of you. not that it matters.

so what do i daydream about? well... as you can guess, unrealistic stuffs. fantasies. maybe it is due to my hobby of watching anime and reading manga, or maybe i just like it, i daydream about well, stuffs like magic. it is just like a kid who imagine herself to have magic. oh well, yea i know, childish. to know what i daydream about more, go read my story on my main website (shamelessly advertising for myself, again!).

i don't know about you, but i find stuffs like magic, fantasies, stories very captivating. for one very obvious reason, it represents a world we can never be a part of. living in this world, this realistic world, we have to deal with nonsense almost everyday. deal with your boss, deal with your clients, deal with your colleagues, your wife, your husband, girlfriend, boyfriend....etc. not that your life partner is full of nonsense, i mean there are troubles in every commitment and every responsibility.

what does the fantasy world have that we don't have. animes like bleach, d.gray-man, fullmetal alchemist, chrno crusade, they are all fantasy stories. but they have a few things in common. things that attract me.

the people inside, well the main characters usually, they have a goal, a purpose they want to accomplish no matter what. they have a direction in life. they know what they want to do. the good guys, and well sometimes the bad guys, they have strong bonds. strong bonds, something we don't usually find in our world. a bond strong enough you will go all out for another. a bond strong enough you will go through tons of trouble to protect it. they have a determination that never crumbles, they never give up on their goals. in a way, they are very inspiring.

how many of us know what we have to do in our life? how many of us know very well that this (goal x) is what i really want? how many of us have bonds that strong? many times we give up on our goals. sometimes we get influenced. sometimes it is the circumstances. unlike stories, our world is not a world that if you try hard enough, everything will turn out well. our world is not where everyone treasures their friendship. our world, unlike the story world, is far from ideal. like i said in one of my previous posts, there are things, that no matter how hard you try, no matter how much luck you have, you still cannot get it. there are things, which we can only look from afar. there are things, which we can only look at people having it and wish we are like them.

unlike stories, we are not really in full control of our lives. we may have a goal, but situations call for it that we give up. unlike stories, we have a more realistic responsibility. we need to eat, we need a house, we need to survive. we need money. chasing after a dream, or working for money, what would you choose? being raised in singapore, a nation known for its practicability, i was taught that no matter what, putting food on the table comes first. dreams, they can at most be done in spare times. dreams, they only served as a hobby. i was raised to go for the job with the best salary, even with a bad boss and a bad environment. and yes, i willingly sacrificed my dream for a bad boss who give me a relatively better salary.

we may have a friend, but a quarrel separates us. maybe he is wrong, or maybe she is correct, but sometimes, both parties are unwilling to compromise. maybe ego is worth more than a bond. maybe pride is heavier than the weight of a friendship. i admit, i am like that too. even though i always say i treasure bonds, there are times when i let go of a few friends.

in our world, there are no such thing as forever friends. i remember in primary and secondary school, 'forever friends' was a concept used a lot. but as i grow up, i realized that this concept is almost totally crap. there are short-term friends, long-term friends, but there are almost no forever friends. i am talking about relationship between humans, not with Christ. we may have friends for 20 years, 30 years, 40 years, but as time goes on, we realized that friends do go their own ways. friends do get busy enough. you are like that, i am like that, we all are like that. there is a limit to how things goes. everyone has their own commitment. we have families to take care of, one of our own, one of our parents'. we have a job to handle. we have different social circles to balance. we need rest. we are humans with limits. and therefore, friends get relegated to aquaintances.

what about direction in life? do you have something to fight for? if there is, what is it? promotion, pay-rise, or fighting for someone you admire from a rival? or is it fighting for the top spot in some field? compared to the anime world, the story world, we don't fight for others. we don't fight for the world. we fight, for ourselves. because, sometimes, we are the world. at least that is what of us show through our actions. we are not heroes. we are not saints. we are not people who would fight for others, even if others hate us. we are not kind enough to treat them as we would love ourselves. maybe some of you are, but i know i am not at that level yet. but even with that, even if we fight for ourselves, what is our goal? is our goal short-term? is there any meaning? do we fight to win others? do we fight to get a better life?

with our life, what are we doing? are we wasting our lives away? maybe we are not. maybe we are.

another aspect we are different from stories - how many of us can truely tell ourselves, that our lives is full of excitement? a brief idea of my life: wake up, go to work during the day, go to school in the night, go back, quiet time 10minutes, surf net for 1 hour, sleep. cycle repeat. instead of fighting monsters, i have to fight with the boss (not literally of course), fight the exam papers, and fight to get more time for myself. what a life. people always ask, how am i doing? it is a routine question, and therefore it calls for a routine answer. normal. everything is normal. but what is normal? normal is the kind of uninteresting life where we have to deal with nonsense. i know most of you deal with much more crap than me. just take it as i am a spoilt person who never endured any form of hardship.

i always tell myself, i am in the prime of my youth. people are enjoying their lives. i have to work day and night, like a dog. oh well, i asked for it. or did i not? it does not matter either case. 10 years down the road, when i look back, what kind of life do i want to see? what kind of life do i want to see myself leading when i was young? i regretted my teenage years. now that it is not reversible, i told myself i will lead a better life now i am 21. talk is easy. always. i am leading a... what kind of life is this?

so what do i want to say? i am going to say another thing which i probably will not do. preaching what i am not doing again. maybe not preaching, take it as i am suggesting some ideas. or you can take it as a crap talk i am saying in the middle of the night when i am supposed to be doing something constructive.

10 years later, what do you want to see when you look back at today? a life spent having fun everyday? a time spent on getting the top spot in studies? a period of helping others in need? i don't know. only you know what you want to do. even so, it might be hard. circumstances. reality. but it does not mean we cannot try. it does not mean we have no hope. they say, if you try and failed, you can at least tell yourself you tried. maybe it is true. debating this is philosophical. i don't like that.

the previous post, i said life is like micromouse. maybe this time i will compare it to a building. assuming a building of 80 storeys, each level represents one year of your life. from the day you are born, you add level by level, until the day you die. some of us have high buildings, some shorter. in each level, what do you want to see? how colorful will it be? maybe you will fail at doing something, but at least, when you look back, you can laugh at it and say, 'oh, i remember doing something like that.' not that failures is ok. a failure is a failure. there is no consolation. but, at least, the levels of your buildings will be more colorful. trying and fail, and not trying at all, both have the same results which is nothing. but you did something with your life. instead of wasting it away, you work for something. like the anime, we work and we fight.

heroes in stories win. maybe they die, maybe they don't. but they win. we might not be a hero, but it doesn't mean we cannot try to be one. a hero that goes for the things that make our life colorful. please don't commit a crime, end up in prison, do a prison break stunt and tell me you have a colorful life.

i just finished my exams. like i said, i always have the habit of cramping everything in the last minute. the result of it is that i spent the last 3 months studying like crazy. ok so the exams ended. i finally can enjoy life. in fact i am enjoying it. although i still have to work in the day, i felt relieved that i do not need to take out my notes and memorize the words written on it when i went back to my room after a long day at work. yes, i am quite happy with the way i am.

many people have different plans after exams. playing games, clubbing, shopping, learn something new, go out, work etc. many things. everybody does different things. but whatever the case, we can say that almost all of us enjoy ourselves. i am referring to people like me, a normal human living in a normal and blessed condition. yes i admit i am blessed. back to what i was saying, we all have different defintions of enjoying life.

i got a friend, who recently disappeared on the cyberworld and appeared less often. reason? life offline is more constructive than life online. as we all finish our exams, we have the next thing to ask. we are still young, what should we do so that we will not waste our life away? of course to do something constructive. but what is a constructive life? shopping? playing? learning? no i am not criticizing what people do. if you think by shopping you can be happy, go ahead. i play games too. but then, enjoying life and a constuctive life is different, and a constructive life is different from a purposeful life.

you may play games, but it may not constructive. you may take up a new course to learn something, but that may not be purposeful. we only live life once. when we die, what do you hope to achieve? that i achived a level 100 in a mmorpg game? or i got 20 degrees in university? of course, i am not condemning that. who knows? maybe your level 100 is your purpose in life. everyone has a different purpose that she or he understands and set out to do. who am i to judge? but i am saying, on your deathbed, or years later when you look back, do you want to regret spending your youth on something meaningless?

for me, i play too. and i know games are pointless. i don't play a lot now. i know my purpose. and my purpose is writing stories ( i am posting it up starting on 15 june 2008 though, on my website ). is it strange? maybe to you it is. to me it is not. you might think it is pointless to write a story just like how i think playing a game has no purpose at all. of course, the purpose is given to us by God, and He will know what to do with it, including if your life mission is to do something really pointless in a human's point of view.

now that i have free time, i am able to think in a relaxed way. of course i still play game. you don't expect a human to only work and not play. what i am trying to say is, are you spending your time in such a way and for a purpose that you will smile and be proud of years later, or will you waste your life on enjoyable things but will achieve nothing in the end?

i love to watch anime and read (and write) stories. for some reason, they appeal to me. not only because you can escape from reality and go into a world of excitement, but because in anime i see the relationship of other people being very close. in anime (especially those where there are tons of fighting like bleach and naruto), usually we see a group of people who are very close and bonded together.

as i watch the anime, i kind of admire that, and wish i could be like that too. friends that are always there for you, to help you when you are in need, to laugh with you and to cry with you (of course i don't cry in front of others). friends that will risk their life for you. of course in our world, we don't really need friends to risk their lives for us. but what i mean is, do we have friends that are that close to us? we are not talking about the kind of sudden situation where either you save someone or let him die such as a near-accident on the road. i am talking about stepping into a situation willingly to help your friend. do we have friends like that?

unlike anime, our friends don't usually walk the same path as us, and as such we lost contact slowly. we made new friends and forgot old friends, and when we go to the next stage of our life we do the same thing again. are our friendship so weak? i myself don't know how long can the bond of me and my closest friends last. one by one all of my closest friends are going overseas for studies, and finally after around 8 years or so together we will be separated for prolonged periods of time. this then, will the friendship fail?

stories, and anime tend to have a happy ending. you get your friends back, the bond is not broken, one friend goes all out to maintain the relationship. but in real life, it is hard. friendship requires the effort of 2. if 1 is not keen, the bond is weaken and finally breaks, because we don't only have friendship to maintain. we have to work, study and maintain other bonds. usually, we see people giving up because it is simply too troublesome, or simply because the other side has no initiatve to communicate. but if this happens all the time, will we have a fairytale-like relationship? i myself wish i can have bonds that strong like those in anime. i have close friends here and there as i move on each stage of my life, but they are always gone at the end of that stage. in the end, only 3 friends remain from way back when i was still a kid. and now i am seeing them off one by one at the airport as they pursue their life overseas. the bonds between the 4 of us are the closest to a story-like situation, but not that close. this is afterall a reality. and i am going to try and keep it.

what about you? do you wish to have strong bonds with your friends like that in fairytale, anime, or stories? or do you already have them? it stirs my heart everytime i see that kind of situation, myself wishing that i can be like them too. there are more important things in this world other than money, romance, computer games, career, the strive to be the top. these are all important, and i myself will chase after this things too. but more importantly, is the bonds. money can be earned back, career can be rebuilt, there will always be someone above you, but you don't get a story-like bond everyday. maybe once you missed it, you may never have the chance again. don't sacrifice something important to chase after the not so important things. i am not saying money and career is not important, but bonds are more important. so i hope that those who read this will get your own fairytale-like bond and keep it that way.