About Christianity

i was listening to kitade nana's song 'antoinette blue' just now. it was a beautiful song. nice song. i liked it the first time i heard it. she sings really nice songs sometimes, though not all. to me, a person who doesn't know how to sing, i think she is a talented singer. i have said before in one of my previous post, that she is of my age. if you want to be specific, she is 2 months and 12 days older than me.

and for some reason, i started thinking again. i think i always think about pointless stuffs. or maybe that is why you have this blog to read in the first place.

i started to think, that everybody has at least a talent. something you really excel in. something you do better than most others. cooking, singing, writing, teaching, leading, trading, drawing etc. in this world, some of the people really used their talent to the fullest. bill gates used his talent of business to...well his achievement is for all to see. jrr tolkien used his talent of writing to give many a thrilling dream world. singers (eg mizuki nana, coz i like her, bleahx) sing beautiful songs. actors/actress like keanu reeves starred in movies that made the world excited. artists like picasso gained world fame. these are the few people whom many of us know.

but what about you and me? what is your talent? what is my talent? even if we think we have talent, but is that really a talent at all? you think you have the flair for singing, but do you really sing well? he think he have the talent for drawing, but does that mean he is really good? sometimes, for me, i don't feel that my talent is really a talent at all. sometimes you think you don't really have anything good you can do. and when you finally found something that you could do relatively better than the others, you entered into another world where you see for yourselves how infinitely small you are. as if in that world (say drawing) you are the lousiest, the most not talented person at all.

they say hard work can give you success. of course i admit that is true. a person who works hard can win a person who has talent but does not work very hard. but it meant you have to spend much more time and effort. and when the time comes when you see the talented person decided to work hard, you realized that maybe, afterall, your hard work could only bring you so far.

what is success? what do you want to do with your talent? let the world recognize you? i think, that many of us here will die without many people remembering us. family and friends may remember you. but how big is your family? how many friends do you have? i often think, when i die, how many of those i know would come to my funeral? and then i think, among those who come, how many of them come out of formality? or how many of them really come because i am their friend?

i remember when i was a teenager, i do not have many friends? maybe because i don't know how to socialize. but one reason was that i was not a person people would feel proud to be with. there were pretty girls whom others would like to get near to. there were cool guys people wanted to be friends with. there were boys and girls whom were good in sports or studies. people like to be with them. 'see, they are my friends!' people feel proud to be with them.

i remember there was this popular guy, who came to be friends with me, and eventually became my best friend. he did not mind about my looks, nor my apparent lack of talent in everything. though he was not a christian, he was from what i see, more humble than many christians around, including me.

what is the point of me saying all of these? the post is about talent right? not about my personal life.

about talent, of course we do envy others. why is it that we are all humans, supposedly born equal, are so different? God do love us right? so why is it that this person is better at everything than i am? is this even fair? for every person that stands at the top, there are many others down there, looking up and envying.

maybe, i think i have the answer. of course, this is not the model answer. but maybe it is an answer you could accept. this is not an answer to tell you how to reach the top. it is an explanation to tell you why you can never reach the top.

according to my own opinion, God has a different purpose for all of our lives. for example, leaders. some were born to rule the world. some were born to rule only a state. others were born to lead a community, and some others were born to only lead a small group, ie a church. if one has a talent that far suppassed us, then it must mean God has a plan for him. of course, whether the person used his talent for God's purpose is another thing.

why then, did God not put me in the middle of big plans? why am i only in the center of a small plan? don't ask me that. i am not God. but if i have to answer it myself, for myself, to convince myself, i think that every plan God has is a big plan. how could you tell, that your little action here would not spark a big reaction in the future? who is to say, that being, say a teacher, in a small school would not mean that you would not inspire the next big leader of the century? or that being a doctor in a small hospital, you would not one day save a life that in the future would also become a great man who has a big (positive, i hope) impact to the world?

for all you know, God did not want to give you any extra talent more than you need for His purpose. of course, i have no proof for that. this is just a speculation. maybe, your talent is for a seemingly smaller plan.

i once read a manga (japanese comic), which said: the value of one's life, can be seen from the number of people who cry for him/her when he/she dies. (you would have known which author said that if you read enough manga.) when you die, how many people have you inspired, or affected positively, with the talent given to you? if you can tell yourself you have done your best, i think God will reward you accordingly. but if not, why did you hope to have so much talent in the first place?

well you know, kitade nana's 'antoinette blue' is the song of the day. i cannot stop listening to it.