About Christianity

'geez...what a guy! he ran straight in.'

'i've seen countless martial artists, however, though there are a lot of people who learn quicker than others, there aren't a lot that can reach the top.'

'those sort of people, are different from the people who even though don't have any talent, will rush straight for the top... is that what you mean?'

'the first step to the next level, i think, is to courageously step into the unknown.'

---

the moral of the story for the above conversation is fairly obvious right? and maybe you can guess what i want to say in this post.

without courage, we dare not try new things. and if we do not try new things, how do we learn about them? we will be stagnant and unable to improve. the same with our relationship with God.

in all personal relationships, trust is a very important and neccessary element. without trust, no personal relationship can survive. the same for our relationship with God.

God has our lives planned out, if we were to follow according to His plan of course it would be the best. but of course, He has given us the choice to follow His plan or not. afterall, christianity is also about making free choices. however, free choices doesn't mean you will definately make a good choice.

God wants us to follow His plan, but He always don't tell us ahead what is going to happen. maybe we can see just a little of our life ahead. for me, sometimes it get so serious i cannot even see one week ahead. that kind of feeling, well to put it bluntly, sucks. one thing that kept me going was that God knew what He was doing and whatever turned out will be the best for me. that is the basic level of trust needed. that you trust God to know what He is doing and that He wants the best for you.

that is why as you walk along the path of life that sometimes seems like a never-ending dark tunnel, you need to trust God enough to hold His hand and let Him lead you. sometimes the road He leads us seemed funny and ridiculous. but that is the best route. life is like a big web of road. you can choose to go many different paths. you can walk the path of the doctor, if you really really studied hard. you can walk the path of the criminal. every human has the potential to walk a certain path. for some it is easier, for some it is harder to walk a particular path, say the path of the extremely rich.

like i said above, what we want may not neccessary be a good choice. maybe i want to be a rich person, so i work hard and set up my own business. however God may not want me to do that. He know that by being an artist i can be happier and at the same time fulfil the purpose He had for me. however, an artist may live a poor life. that may seemed ridiculous, considering that our society is money-driven, and if we go according to God's plan, we may be asking for a little trouble.

the path of a rich person has this bright and straight road. the path of the artist may have this dark road. if i become an artist, how am i going to survive? how am i going to support my family? usually when we meet into some trouble we ask for help and trust that God will work everything out. but sometimes, we know that by obeying God we have invited some trouble into our lives. and this time, the question is, are we going to trust God?

the first step to the next level is to courageously step into the unknown. the path in front of you is dark. you cannot see a thing, and God wants you to go there. you are scared. but you also need to know God won't send you to die. He is not a sadistic God. if He planned a path for you, He will plan a way out too. this, is not according to the theories i heard people say. this, is according to my 21 years of life experience. although it may not seem much to you, i think if it works for me, it works for you. because God loves everyone.

the path may be hard, but there will be a reason why God wants you to walk that path you are scared of, the path that will make you suffer a bit. maybe as you walk along the path, you will find something new. maybe you will get something much more in return compared to that bright path you saw at the crossroads of life. and if you survive that path, your relationship with God will be taken up to another level. in short, level up (just like game-speak). you would have experienced God's love and grace more. you would have seen the results and the process and trust God more.

bravely step into the unknown, and aim for the next level. even though the unknown may be tough, but the rewards are well worth it. God, the most powerful being in all creation, is with you. the road may be hard to walk, but there is no need to be scared of anything else.

'the winner has been decided. strength and lies. those are the two things you need to live.'

'you're wrong. if you live only on power and lies, the only things waiting for you are conflict and sadness. in order to live, you need a heart that can trust others! you understand that perfectly, and yet you run away! trust your masters, trust your friends, and also trust yourself. that is true power!'

'a heart that can trust others? with that... my sister was...!'

'right now, honoka is still believing in me and waiting for me!'

'can you really protect your sister with that naiveness?!'

---

these are the words said during a fight between 2 people - one who is trying to protect his sister, and the other who failed to protect his sister. the boy who failed to protect his sister because he trusted in the wrong person and lost everything he had because he was weak grew up to become a man who believed in only strength and lies (acting).

because he trusted the wrong person, he lost his sister, and subsequently everything. and now he saw the one fighting him believing in others, trusting in others so much that he could not stand it. he could not believe that the one fighting him could save his sister like that.

in our lives, there are times when we trusted the wrong person. all humans are selfish. it is just how selfish we are. some are willing to betray others and sacrifice a relationship, some are not. the cost of trusting the wrong person, it varies. for some, it involves a hurt experience. for some, it is money, for some it is a life. and depending on our character, our age at that time, and the cost that we had to pay, we all change differently one way or another. even for adults, they will change. for kids, the impact may be so great that they grow up into a totally changed person, just like the one who believed in strength and lies.

all humans by nature starts off as trusting. as a kid we believe in others and trust in others easily. and as we grow up and through the different experiences we accumulated we got wary of others to a different degree. by nature we want to trust others. just that sometimes, the world we live in are so different that there are people who totally shut out and refused to believe in anyone other than themselves. power, money, strength... etc these are all earned with the effort of the individual to protect oneself from others. and as one trust and believe lesser in others, the dependence in all these grew. and we turn our trusts and faith from humans or God to these things that we can manipulate.

as humans, everyone wants assurance. because the world is big and we are small, we need something to hold us up so we can live on. unforunately, not all of us have the privilege to do that. we all want to trust in others, and despite our actions of rejecting others, we know deep down in our hearts that if we live on power and lies, if we live depending on no one but ourselves, what awaits us at the end of this road is nothing but conflict and sadness. we understand that if we want to live, we have to trust in others. like the man, we know it. yet like him, we reject this.

sometimes there is nothing we can do. because in our experiences nothing good come out from trusting others. because we don't want to get hurt again. so despite knowing we have to and we ourselves want to believe in others, we could not bring ourselves to do it. instead, we close ourselves up. to put it simply, it is like people refusing to cross the road anymore in their lives because of the accident they had when they crossed the road in the past.

maybe, we have already gained back what we had lost, be it money or some other things. maybe, there are some things that can never be gained back. one thing is for sure, we had not got over the betrayal we had experienced. we are unable to apply what we know in our practical life. well, maybe so far what i have said is an extreme case where only a minority of the human population felt. but somewhere in our lives, we would have been unable to trust others to a certain extent, and shut ourselves out. that is normal i guess?

usually we would get over it by ourselves, since our personal tragedy usually is not a tragedy at all and instead just a minor bump in life. but like i said, there are really others who fell and could not get up again.

for those people who had not yet get up and are reading this, if really trusting humans are that difficult for you (i do understand a little bit of that feeling though), why not start by trusting God first? maybe you are wondering, if there is a God no such tragedy would happen to you right? i cannot explain why a particular incident happen to you, and in my blessed life who knows nothing about tragedies i can only say that there is a God you can trust. maybe, this sounds like some bullshit coming from someone who didn't know anything about pain, but since i do not go through extreme sadness or pain, this is the best i can do.

this may sound repetitive, and maybe you have heard till you are sick of it. but still, because you may not have understood it despite being repeated to you so many times, i would say it again. God loves you, so He won't betray you. God knows everything, so He is able to guide you. God owns everything, so there is no need for Him to betray you to gain something. there is a need for us to trust, and we want to do that. but because we cannot trust in humans, so, maybe, try trusting in God for once.

for those of us who know people like that... well at least pray for them if you are too lazy to help them. or show to them how trust and friendship works. a relationship that does not work like a transaction. a bond that operates on love. a friendship that is based on genuine feelings instead of self-interests. only when those who cannot trust others see that can they convince themselves to take a step forwards out of the prison they had closed themselves in.

actions speaks louder than words. afterall, those who had been betrayed most probably had been fooled by the words of others long ago. so they do not believe in any kind of sweet words anymore. proving it to them, that is the best way. and slowly, little by little, we can guide a person out of that jail cell, out of the place where no trust lives in.

we always see this kind of scenes happening in anime, to the point it is almost cliche. but people still like this kind of stories. why? because it reflects a part of our lives, a portion of our feelings. it is real to us, to a certain extent. because we can immerse ourselves in it, because we can identify with the characters in it, we like it. so, if we can identify with the tragic guy in the story, we can also see that we can be in the shoes of the one who pull the 'guy-in-prison-cell' out of that place into a world with trust. with our actions, we may be able to save someone.

i had wanted to put up another post. but before i could put that, i came across something that changed my mind. i guess i would put it next time, after this post.

i was doing my quiet time when the material i used directed me to Exodus 16:1-5. well if you are lazy to flip open the Bible it is about the israelites complaining in the desert and said it would be better to die in egypt than to go out into the desert to starve. and the Lord said He would rain down bread from heaven, and the people are supposed to gather them to eat.

well, the Lord was speaking to me using that short story. of course when we read the Bible the Lord is telling us something, but this was something which directly affect the present moment of my life. well how do i put it?

actually i have responsibilies that i have to handle, yet i know i cannot do it. not that i don't want, just that my strength is not enough. well since it is a responsibilty, even if i don't want it, i still have to do it well. not that i am a very responsible person, but that the consequences of failure is somewhat disturbing.

anyway, since it was a set of responsibilties that only i alone can do, i could not get help from any other human. well not directly. and i have not gone around asking what i can do to better cope. oh well, the result of which is that i get very little sleep, and i am always very tired, and irritated, and frustrated. sometimes i even have to control myself so i will not flare up and throw tempers.

and so it goes on. and one day i thought, maybe i should just give up. i don't care about the consequences anymore. after weighing the benefits and cost, i thought there was really no point. i would just go through it, and i won't care. if things go bad, it is too bad for me since the results affect no other human except for me. it was so bad that if i have to say something, i guess it would be 'fuck the world'.

you might want to say something about me posting a swear word on a christian blog, but i see no difference between fuck and f**k since you would have known it and the intention to utter a word of profanity was there. the ** only serves as nothing but a nice wrapping for the vulgarities to make it more presentable and acceptable. in essence, the 2 words meant the same damn thing.

anyway, so the combination of the material i used for QT, the Bible verses, and God's own teaching to me was this: trust the Lord. like the israelites, who only gathered enough bread for one day everyday, except for the day before sabbath, trusted the Lord and depended on Him. they have no extra storage of food for tomorrow. tomorrow God will give them more food. like matthew 6:25-34 says, God will take care of us. do not worry about tomorrow.

so, in the end i concluded and learnt that i should depend on the Lord everyday. everyday receive a little of God's help. when the time comes, i guessed what will happen will happen. just like how the israelites have to go through the desert to the promised land, i guess i am heading towards some sort of promised land too, and i am in the desert. just that i hope the promised land i have in mind is not so far from the promised land intended from me. and that i will be obedient enough so i will actually reach the place intended for me instead of dying in the desert.

what's the moral of the story. some of you may have duties and responsibilties more than you can even take it. some of you have tried to the best of your ability and wanted to give up. i may not have the same committment as you, but i certainly know how it feels like to try hard, see no results and wanting to give up. but i guess God won't give you a responsibility so you can die alone. if you cannot handle it, ask for help.

i don't know about you. but when i realized that God actually tells me to trust in Him, i felt more peaceful. instead of just going through it and not caring about the results, i thought maybe i will do what i can and let Him decide the rest. of course, i still hope to get through it. and that i hope i won't fail (now that i have hope again). but if it is in the plan for me to fail so that i can get to another place, who am i to say anything?

the fact that the Lord of all creation personally tells you to trust in Him is actually very reassuring. it is not like a friend or some expert telling you to trust in him. because they are only humans. and humans have limits. i have a God who tells me to trust in Him, and He is the King who controls everything, He is the Lord that knows everything - past, present and future. so if He tells me to trust in Him, i would do that.

maybe you can say the only reason why i can say such a thing is because i have not met enough despair or hopelessness to totally lose faith in God. yeapx, you are right. that's why for now i can still have enough faith.

maybe you won't like me for saying this, but whether you like it or not, accept it or not, it does not change the fact that there is a God. despite wars and family violence, starvation and poverty, there is a God. i cannot explain why all these happen when God is in control, nor can i give an answer as to why there are so many tragedies in the world, but He is the King and He rules as He sees fit. and since He is the King and He asks me to trust and have faith, i will do that. that's why i said you might not like it when i say this. it sounds like hypocritical bullshit coming from a person who knows nothing at all.

i don't know what kind of life you have. but if you are not having any hope left, why not trying asking God to give you a little bread (help) each day as you walk across the desert which is your life for now? and when you walked far enough (in the correct direction of course) you would get to the new part of your life which is the promised land. but to do that, you will need to have enough faith and obedience. you wouldn't want to walk around in circles in the desert, let alone die there, right? or maybe you might get out of the desert, but if you did not reach the promised land, would you not have suffered the journey of the desert for nothing or for something less than what you could have gotten?

if there is anyone you should place your hopes on, why not try placing them on the King of all things? if you feel like, maybe you should just hope for one more time and work for one more time, why not hope in the Lord? because He doesn't give you the wrong kind of hope. because He knows what He is doing. and because He is in control. and most importantly, the King of all creation loves you very much.

1 kid touch the other kid, either by accident or on purpose. the other kid touch him back. then the first kid touch the second kid back. it goes on. then one of them got impatient and started to use a bit more strength to 'touch' the other kid. and then it goes on, until they used all their strength, or maybe most of it. one of the kids would always lose. in every fight, there has to be someone who lose. but before that, they would hit each other really hard. why? because both of them wanted to be the last one who touch the other. both wanted to get the last touch.

is it applicable to adults? yes, at least that is what i think. i think, adults do that too. of course we don't touch other people and beat people up. well, at least most of us don't. one fine example. in the office. maybe this guy backstab another. then the victim got angry and backstab the unfriendly staff. this goes on. or maybe one woman gossip bad stuffs about another woman. she got angry and in turn do the same. this goes on.

of course, if you notice it, there are similarities between adults and children. both wanted to win and be the last to deal the final blow, be it just a touch, a knife in the back or others. the difference is, kids usually don't deal out blows that are so... heavy? and that after a while, they go back as friends. for adults, because the stakes are sometimes high, the ego and pride, and of course the seriousness of the situation, sometimes the whole relationship, be it friendship or not, is spoilt. adults do remember offences, unlike kids.

of course, if we get disturbed for no apparent reason, and because of it we are greatly affected, we have the tendency to strike back. that is the natural thing to do. maybe we lost something. maybe we suffer because of it. so we also strike back. and then it goes on. maybe i have no right to say this, but again, i am a hypocrite who don't do what i say, so just let me say. you decide on what you want to do.

i think, if we look at it another way, things might be better.

for example (i am going to use a simple analogy), A and B are both selling apples. suppose B want to sell more apples, and he spread a rumor that A sells bad apples. so customers go to B to buy apples. because of that A lost quite a fair bit of customers. so A spread a bad rumor about B too. B is now affected and he too spread an even badder (is this even correct english?) rumor about A. this goes on. both gets lesser and lesser customers. why? because both do not give good impressions.

this is what the normal case is. what if A do not strike back and decide to do something constructive?

supposed B already spread rumors and A gets lesser customers. instead of spreading another rumor about B, A works hard to convince customers that he sells good apples. he used the time to prove to others he too has good apples. through time, people will know A sells good apples and it was B who was doing something bad. A's business go up.

of course, if we compare this 2, the second choice is a better one. of course, A lose customers at first. he don't feel happy. who would? but instead of taking revenge, he did something constructive. first, compared to the first case, A in the second case did not end up losing more and more customers. secondly, compared to the first case, A might get back his old customers or even more.

of course, this is just a simple illustration. replace A with you and B with whoever is doing that to you. naturally, no human is insane enough to be happy when the other 'touch me first'. but, if we hit back, do we benefit. will the exchange be escalated to a point of no return and end up with both suffering heavy losses. if we don't hit back and do something to salvage our situation, although we might not be able to get back what we used to have. but at least, maybe we can stop our losses.

this is not to say we let person B go and do what he wants. in my opinion, if he is going to do harm to others, we should of course warn his 'victims' first. but we are not supposed to take revenge. God would know what to do to him. it would be not christian-like to take revenge. wrath might lead to hate, hate might lead to death. of course this is the extreme, but it is not to say it would not happen. constant conflict will lead us to not be able to forgive and love each other, and if we don't forgive and love each other, how can we say we are christians? how can we say we will get to heaven?

like i say, this is what i think. and i don't do what i say. sometimes i try, sometimes i don't. there is no need to flame me. i admit i am not as holy as i might look. see what i say if it makes sense and try it out. this is hard, but you have a God whom you can depend on, right? if He determines you need those apples which was taken from you, would He not provide you with them? if He determines the apples you had are harmful for you, maybe B is a man sent by God to save you. who knows? who can say?

but if the apples are maybe your spouse, your career, your family, your wealth, your health, then they might be a bit too much to handle. i have not experienced something that big before. i cannot say anything much, because to those who lose these things and more, i could not understand the suffering. all i can say is still to trust the Lord. because everything is under His control.

this is all i can say. trust God. and if people touch you, don't touch them back. it is not to say you obediently let B touch you again. you take measures against B, just don't take revenge. do i make sense?

as usual, if my blog post contradicts the Bible, email me.

today, when i was in the disciple group (to those who don't know, it is like a small group of christian gathering where we study the Bible), we were told to write down 'our future'. well it is not exactly like predicting our future. we were told to write down what we hope to achieve at the end of 4 years, or 6 months. there is a reason to the number 4 and 6 which i will not explain.

everyone began to write down what they hope to achieve. only i was left wondering what to write. oh no, i had came to meet up with this question again.

many times people ask me, what do i want to do in the future? what do i hope to achieve in the future? everyone has dreams, and everyone has their goals. the people i met, they knew what they wanted to do. but i don't. i used to have dreams. big dreams, small dreams, realistic goals, and unrealistic ones. but now, i don't really have a dream.

at some point or another, it seemed i had stopped thinking about the future. you know, for me it is so bad i cannot see where i would be 6 months from now. i cannot even answer people when they ask me about my future. and as usual, i give them some answer which is either very vague or which is made up on the spot.

i don't know why and i don't know how. it is just sudden. few years back, it happened. i cannot see my life ahead. the present and the past are all i had. or maybe, the task God gave me to do, which is to write stories, even though no one bothers to read. no, i am not complaining, because regardless of how many views i get, even if it is zero, writing stories is my hobby and i would do it. life of course, consists of the task God gives us, as well as the our dreams.

as to why do i have no goals? like i said, i don't know. but if i have to give an answer to which i think is the closest i can get to the real reason, it is because i had lost passion in a lot of things. i used to be passionate about many things. making money, getting into relationships, do well in sports, strive to be the top, aim to get into medical school....etc. of course i used to try hard, except for the part about going into medical school, because my results were...well, terrible. but suddenly, i had lost interests in many things, or rather, most of the things.

i am in a place i don't like, doing what i don't like, doing what i am not good at. everyday, waking up, unlike everyone who look forward to a new day, i dread a new day. i think i have said it before, that i like the nights. because the nights signify the end of all the shit. the day means the start of all the nonsense. maybe your life is like mine, maybe not. this kind of life sucks. because it is just like drifting around, doing things for the sake of doing it. without purpose, without passion.

of course, i had asked myself and asked God what am i exactly doing with my life? i am 21 years old this year. people are enjoying the prime of their youth, yet i am wandering around aimlessly, each day represents hours of.... meaningless activities. and the answer that always came into my mind is to trust in the Lord. i guess i have no choice.

if you are like me, i guess you too, have to trust in the Lord. because He knows what He is doing, even when we don't. i hope one day, i am able to come back and make another post to continue this, to tell you that i make the right decision to trust.

no, i am not emo-ing because something happened today. i have been feeling this for years. just that today, the question asked about my future, set me writing this post. my future is a blank, and if yours is like mine, i only can suggest one thing which i am doing right now. ask the Lord to fill in the blanks. i might not like the way how He fills it in, but i know it is the best way to fill it.