About Christianity

'i often carry the feeling of going forwards, looking out at the outside world from here (top of a building)... for that dream i could never fulfill... for freedom, i made many sacrifices... ... ...' - this is a line you might find familiar, because as usual, it is taken from a story.

i don't know why, but recently, as you can tell from my blog posts, i keep on thinking about unachievable things, about unobtainable (is there such an English word?) things. i guessed it got to be my topic of interests for this short period. i have no idea how long it would last though. or maybe it is due to the stories i read and the story i am writing, and when combined these ideas get stuck into my head.

impossible dreams. say, you want to be the richest man on earth. or maybe the most powerful man on earth. how about the prettiest woman ever alive? or the most intelligent person to walk the earth (King Soloman already took that spot. settle for number 2!)

i have the habit of telling myself to know my own limits. somewhere in the past, i found myself gradually getting less and less interested in doing the impossible. well, not impossible, the less possible as you might say. there were goals we made many sacrifices on the way as we travel towards it. but because we are humans, there are things that we cannot control.

is it stupid? chasing after the impossible dreams. chasing after a goal you know you can never obtain. stupid, right? but from what i see, all humans are somehow like that. not that extreme, maybe. but definately something like that.

ok let's say something we are all familiar with, both students and working adults.

students, we all aim to score. nobody study to fail. ok i am assuming we are all mature students who study for ourselves and not because your parents want you to. and that you are mature enough to know what you are doing and what is right for you.

in most scoring systems, they don't go by absolute scores to compute your grades. they go by the bell-curve. a certain percentage will get A, some B, the rest C,D,E,F. familiar? should be, since most of us undergo this system. say, we are at the bottom. we are not intelligent people like the scholars. ok let's start.

have you ever have this feeling that you can't study? no matter how hard you try, no matter how hard you study, you just cannot compete against others. in a competitive society, failures are not tolerated. people can say failure is the mother of success. but if it were up to us, we would rather succeed without failing. sometimes we felt like giving up. studying is so hard, so difficult, so stressful...etc.

but we cannot give up like that. why? in our society education is compulsory. not everyone can be the world's richest man even when he drops out of university. we try. and even when we know it is near impossible, we try our hardest to score our best so that our GPA (grade point average) could be higher and pull us higher and to a better spot in the bell-curve. even when we feel like giving up, we just cannot bring ourselves to do it.

what about working adults? we want to get rich right? buy a big house, big car. in our society, people ask how big is your apartment, what car are you driving, what jewelry are you wearing, what handbags are you using. we try and try, fight for promotion, work overtime. work like dogs, work like slaves, all for money. hoping to get rich, yet at the same time we will be always be an average worker in the world.

money flow in, but like a hole money flow out. kids' education, housing loan, parents' medical bills, daily expenses. money don't fall from the sky. just as the boss gives us money, we need to pay out the money also. we work and work, aiming for a dream we cannot get. why? who doesn't want a better life? of course it is good to have ambition, but it is another to make too many sacrifices.

just like the guy who stood at the top of the building (look at the head of this post), we made many sacrifices for impossible, or near impossible dreams.

for studies, we sacrificed our 'life' sometimes. our play time, our rest time, our gathering with friends. we don't spend time with family anymore. our quiet time is cut short. maybe we don't go church anymore.

for work, we sacrificed time with family and children. we sacrificed our health due to stress. our time...etc

like what i said in one of my previous posts, sacrifices are not reversible. for this impossible dream, how much more are we going to throw into the pit? i am not living in a war zone, so i don't have the 'impossible' dream to get a good life elsewhere. i don't live in an abusive family, so i don't have the 'impossible' dream of having a happy family. because i have a normal life, the less fortunate, when you see this post, may think i am a hypocrite. because, even if it is impossible, you want to try. because there are cases when if you don't even grab hold of that impossible hope and throw in what you have, there is no more meaning in life. because if you don't work for that impossible happiness you won't know what to do. is that right?

i used to have impossible dreams too. dreams i threw in a lot, and get nothing out of it. unlike the law of equivalent trade, we don't usually get something for the things we throw in. so what do i have to say?

for those of us who have a more blessed life, be content with what you have. there are things you can never get. be content, and enjoy the things God gives you. for those who are less fortunate, you have a God, don't you? ask Him for help. i don't know when that help will come. but asking for help will give you something more practical than throwing your bets into that never-ending pit of impossible dream. it is not to say you give up trying. God will lead you, and along the way, you try, with Him, with His help.

one day, when you look back at your life, just as he looked down from the top of the building, i hope you don't have a face full of sorrow that says you sacrificed too much for the impossible dream.

in case you are wondering, the law of equivalent trade is a story concept from 'fullmetal alchemist' which states that for everything you gain, something of an equal value must be sacrificed.

the last time i made a blog post, i guess it was around more than a week ago? i am lazy to check the date. ok, back to what i want to say...

i love to daydream. unless i am very tired, i daydream every chance i get. i daydream in class, during my travelling time, during exams, during my exercises, during meals etc. i daydream childish things. maybe some of you, or most of you might be like me. or maybe only a few of you. not that it matters.

so what do i daydream about? well... as you can guess, unrealistic stuffs. fantasies. maybe it is due to my hobby of watching anime and reading manga, or maybe i just like it, i daydream about well, stuffs like magic. it is just like a kid who imagine herself to have magic. oh well, yea i know, childish. to know what i daydream about more, go read my story on my main website (shamelessly advertising for myself, again!).

i don't know about you, but i find stuffs like magic, fantasies, stories very captivating. for one very obvious reason, it represents a world we can never be a part of. living in this world, this realistic world, we have to deal with nonsense almost everyday. deal with your boss, deal with your clients, deal with your colleagues, your wife, your husband, girlfriend, boyfriend....etc. not that your life partner is full of nonsense, i mean there are troubles in every commitment and every responsibility.

what does the fantasy world have that we don't have. animes like bleach, d.gray-man, fullmetal alchemist, chrno crusade, they are all fantasy stories. but they have a few things in common. things that attract me.

the people inside, well the main characters usually, they have a goal, a purpose they want to accomplish no matter what. they have a direction in life. they know what they want to do. the good guys, and well sometimes the bad guys, they have strong bonds. strong bonds, something we don't usually find in our world. a bond strong enough you will go all out for another. a bond strong enough you will go through tons of trouble to protect it. they have a determination that never crumbles, they never give up on their goals. in a way, they are very inspiring.

how many of us know what we have to do in our life? how many of us know very well that this (goal x) is what i really want? how many of us have bonds that strong? many times we give up on our goals. sometimes we get influenced. sometimes it is the circumstances. unlike stories, our world is not a world that if you try hard enough, everything will turn out well. our world is not where everyone treasures their friendship. our world, unlike the story world, is far from ideal. like i said in one of my previous posts, there are things, that no matter how hard you try, no matter how much luck you have, you still cannot get it. there are things, which we can only look from afar. there are things, which we can only look at people having it and wish we are like them.

unlike stories, we are not really in full control of our lives. we may have a goal, but situations call for it that we give up. unlike stories, we have a more realistic responsibility. we need to eat, we need a house, we need to survive. we need money. chasing after a dream, or working for money, what would you choose? being raised in singapore, a nation known for its practicability, i was taught that no matter what, putting food on the table comes first. dreams, they can at most be done in spare times. dreams, they only served as a hobby. i was raised to go for the job with the best salary, even with a bad boss and a bad environment. and yes, i willingly sacrificed my dream for a bad boss who give me a relatively better salary.

we may have a friend, but a quarrel separates us. maybe he is wrong, or maybe she is correct, but sometimes, both parties are unwilling to compromise. maybe ego is worth more than a bond. maybe pride is heavier than the weight of a friendship. i admit, i am like that too. even though i always say i treasure bonds, there are times when i let go of a few friends.

in our world, there are no such thing as forever friends. i remember in primary and secondary school, 'forever friends' was a concept used a lot. but as i grow up, i realized that this concept is almost totally crap. there are short-term friends, long-term friends, but there are almost no forever friends. i am talking about relationship between humans, not with Christ. we may have friends for 20 years, 30 years, 40 years, but as time goes on, we realized that friends do go their own ways. friends do get busy enough. you are like that, i am like that, we all are like that. there is a limit to how things goes. everyone has their own commitment. we have families to take care of, one of our own, one of our parents'. we have a job to handle. we have different social circles to balance. we need rest. we are humans with limits. and therefore, friends get relegated to aquaintances.

what about direction in life? do you have something to fight for? if there is, what is it? promotion, pay-rise, or fighting for someone you admire from a rival? or is it fighting for the top spot in some field? compared to the anime world, the story world, we don't fight for others. we don't fight for the world. we fight, for ourselves. because, sometimes, we are the world. at least that is what of us show through our actions. we are not heroes. we are not saints. we are not people who would fight for others, even if others hate us. we are not kind enough to treat them as we would love ourselves. maybe some of you are, but i know i am not at that level yet. but even with that, even if we fight for ourselves, what is our goal? is our goal short-term? is there any meaning? do we fight to win others? do we fight to get a better life?

with our life, what are we doing? are we wasting our lives away? maybe we are not. maybe we are.

another aspect we are different from stories - how many of us can truely tell ourselves, that our lives is full of excitement? a brief idea of my life: wake up, go to work during the day, go to school in the night, go back, quiet time 10minutes, surf net for 1 hour, sleep. cycle repeat. instead of fighting monsters, i have to fight with the boss (not literally of course), fight the exam papers, and fight to get more time for myself. what a life. people always ask, how am i doing? it is a routine question, and therefore it calls for a routine answer. normal. everything is normal. but what is normal? normal is the kind of uninteresting life where we have to deal with nonsense. i know most of you deal with much more crap than me. just take it as i am a spoilt person who never endured any form of hardship.

i always tell myself, i am in the prime of my youth. people are enjoying their lives. i have to work day and night, like a dog. oh well, i asked for it. or did i not? it does not matter either case. 10 years down the road, when i look back, what kind of life do i want to see? what kind of life do i want to see myself leading when i was young? i regretted my teenage years. now that it is not reversible, i told myself i will lead a better life now i am 21. talk is easy. always. i am leading a... what kind of life is this?

so what do i want to say? i am going to say another thing which i probably will not do. preaching what i am not doing again. maybe not preaching, take it as i am suggesting some ideas. or you can take it as a crap talk i am saying in the middle of the night when i am supposed to be doing something constructive.

10 years later, what do you want to see when you look back at today? a life spent having fun everyday? a time spent on getting the top spot in studies? a period of helping others in need? i don't know. only you know what you want to do. even so, it might be hard. circumstances. reality. but it does not mean we cannot try. it does not mean we have no hope. they say, if you try and failed, you can at least tell yourself you tried. maybe it is true. debating this is philosophical. i don't like that.

the previous post, i said life is like micromouse. maybe this time i will compare it to a building. assuming a building of 80 storeys, each level represents one year of your life. from the day you are born, you add level by level, until the day you die. some of us have high buildings, some shorter. in each level, what do you want to see? how colorful will it be? maybe you will fail at doing something, but at least, when you look back, you can laugh at it and say, 'oh, i remember doing something like that.' not that failures is ok. a failure is a failure. there is no consolation. but, at least, the levels of your buildings will be more colorful. trying and fail, and not trying at all, both have the same results which is nothing. but you did something with your life. instead of wasting it away, you work for something. like the anime, we work and we fight.

heroes in stories win. maybe they die, maybe they don't. but they win. we might not be a hero, but it doesn't mean we cannot try to be one. a hero that goes for the things that make our life colorful. please don't commit a crime, end up in prison, do a prison break stunt and tell me you have a colorful life.