About Christianity

i just finished my exams. like i said, i always have the habit of cramping everything in the last minute. the result of it is that i spent the last 3 months studying like crazy. ok so the exams ended. i finally can enjoy life. in fact i am enjoying it. although i still have to work in the day, i felt relieved that i do not need to take out my notes and memorize the words written on it when i went back to my room after a long day at work. yes, i am quite happy with the way i am.

many people have different plans after exams. playing games, clubbing, shopping, learn something new, go out, work etc. many things. everybody does different things. but whatever the case, we can say that almost all of us enjoy ourselves. i am referring to people like me, a normal human living in a normal and blessed condition. yes i admit i am blessed. back to what i was saying, we all have different defintions of enjoying life.

i got a friend, who recently disappeared on the cyberworld and appeared less often. reason? life offline is more constructive than life online. as we all finish our exams, we have the next thing to ask. we are still young, what should we do so that we will not waste our life away? of course to do something constructive. but what is a constructive life? shopping? playing? learning? no i am not criticizing what people do. if you think by shopping you can be happy, go ahead. i play games too. but then, enjoying life and a constuctive life is different, and a constructive life is different from a purposeful life.

you may play games, but it may not constructive. you may take up a new course to learn something, but that may not be purposeful. we only live life once. when we die, what do you hope to achieve? that i achived a level 100 in a mmorpg game? or i got 20 degrees in university? of course, i am not condemning that. who knows? maybe your level 100 is your purpose in life. everyone has a different purpose that she or he understands and set out to do. who am i to judge? but i am saying, on your deathbed, or years later when you look back, do you want to regret spending your youth on something meaningless?

for me, i play too. and i know games are pointless. i don't play a lot now. i know my purpose. and my purpose is writing stories ( i am posting it up starting on 15 june 2008 though, on my website ). is it strange? maybe to you it is. to me it is not. you might think it is pointless to write a story just like how i think playing a game has no purpose at all. of course, the purpose is given to us by God, and He will know what to do with it, including if your life mission is to do something really pointless in a human's point of view.

now that i have free time, i am able to think in a relaxed way. of course i still play game. you don't expect a human to only work and not play. what i am trying to say is, are you spending your time in such a way and for a purpose that you will smile and be proud of years later, or will you waste your life on enjoyable things but will achieve nothing in the end?

roughly 9 or 10 years ago, when i was a little kid, i made a friend. she was one year younger than me. we were from different schools, we had met at the playground below my house. i was living in a high rise building... well not actually high rise, 8 storeys only. she lived in another block of flats. below and near our block of flats was a playground. we went there to play often. badminton, catching, blind mice, whatever. games usually kids would play. we were in primary school, or what the americans would call a elementary school.

so we played. because i was a person with no life, i looked forward each day that i can go down to play. you know kids, we can never stay at home. my parents were strict. i dont want to stay at home. sometimes they banned me from going down. but when i did go down, i would play with her. it was fun. maybe because she was the only friend i had outside of school and sunday school.

so we played. we continued that way till secondary school, or what you would call a high school. gradually more people join us. life became better, for a while. there were boys and girls. we became really good friends. at least, i treated her as my good friend, maybe my best friend. during teenage, it was a time when normal girls and normal boys started having feelings for the opposite sex. me too. maybe she too.

ok i will skip the details. but we ended up having a very strained relationship. she wanted to severe all ties with me. it was no fun at all. i remembered it was one of the most painful period of my life. maybe i will sound like a hypocrite, but i really did tried to repair our friendship with her. no use. she refused. she still had me on msn, me too. but we didnt really talk. when i talked to her, she refused to answer. and then she blocked me. i kept her in my list, as a memory of my dear friend. i moved house. i have no idea what had happened to her then, dont know what happened to the group of friends. but i remembered hating someone. that time, i had thought it was gone, that she had blocked and deleted me on msn.

i gave up. i had tried for around 1 year plus. maybe a year and a half. i was too tired. i had tried my best. after i moved house, i did still think about her. i still had her in my msn list, the very top. it was just a memory. who knows, one day, years later, i saw her name appearing online on my msn list. i did not receive a request to add her on my msn, which means all these years she only blocked me and not delete me. we talked for a while.

the thing is, after so long, after such a strained relationship, we can only get past the formalities such as how do you do. we used to talk a lot, talk about everything and anything. we joked a lot. we teased each other. but now, we have problems talking. now and then, me or her would try to communicate with each other. but it was always like this, after a while, it became a Q&A session. for some reason, we cannot talk normally anymore. even though she had finally agreed to make peace, the hurt was still too great. i had given up hating the person whom i thought had caused my treasured and precious friendship to break down. i had hated because maybe i can say it is not my fault. maybe i dont want to admit i did something wrong, that i screwed up somewhere. and then, i found it very tiring to keep hating a person. i had no choice, i had to accept the result of it is the combined mistake of all of us.

so now what? i have no idea. i only know, our friendship is so broken it is almost impossible to repair. i heard on tv, and saw in movies, that when friends quarrel, they became better friends after they patch. why then, is mine so different? instead of being stronger than before, it was so much weaker. it is as if both of us are trying to hold on to that line connecting both of us. i can sense the awkwardness. i did not know what to say to her, and i guess the same for her too. i got my wish, that my dear friend restored the bond, but why is it that weak? what can i do? i have no idea. i already tried my best. maybe she too. i dont know.

what would i give to go back to the past? many things. friendship (relationship) is one of the top priorities i have set in my life. the bond is priceless. and yet, this is one of the biggest regret in my life. how long have we known each other now? 10 years maybe. or 9 years. isnt it sad?

do you have a similar situation? maybe you have. what can you do? i have no idea. i myself if i know what to do this blog post will be 'my restored friendship' instead of 'my broken friendship'. i only have one way out, that is to pray. years ago, when i gave up, i had stopped praying for the restoration. years later, our friendship got restored. maybe not the way i want it. but it did. God did answered my prayers. but this few years, i had not prayed for our relationship to go back to as it were. i dont know why i didnt do it. but i know, if i want it to happen, i have to pray. i had been praying for her all these years, but not for the strengthening of our bond. am i scared of something? maybe not. i just didnt think of it. maybe, if you have an experience similar to me, you can try praying. the answer may come many years later, but i guess it will come through. afterall, God do want us to restore our relationship. maybe the time is not right. pray, will you?

i guess, maybe starting from today, i will pray. and years later i will look back and not regret i prayed, just like how 6 years ago, i did not regret that i prayed for our bond to connect back.