Suddenly I felt pointless writing all these, just like how sometimes I am merely saying what You already know in my prayers.
I did something which I should not. I slapped Yan a few days ago. I would not say that a man must never hit a woman, but I would admit that I should not do that.
I had come home from work, hungry because I had little to eat that whole day. Yan had said that she will cook something nice for me earlier in the day, and I was looking forward to it. But I came home to see her cooking cucumber and brinjal, with some boiled cauliflower leftover from Cor's cooking. I was pretty upset, and I had to admit I blamed her just a little bit. Usually I don't complain or grumble if I am not the one doing the cooking, but probably that day I was too hungry.
Either way, I told her I refused to eat the brinjal, and that she knew I hated it. She wanted me to eat it because it was good for me, and I said I refuse to. In anger she left the thing that was almost cooked right at the stove, close off the heat and went into the room. It was only later that I knew she had not eaten and wanted to eat with me.
I cooked some meat myself later and ate it. When I went back to my room and tried to make peace with her but she was angry . She then said she wanted to break and asked me to leave the house when I wanted to go out to cool down a bit. We had both previously agreed not to just walk out when we had a quarrel but I forgot.
I asked why should I and she said the place we are living now is because of her connections. And I should not take the car too because it is due to her connections. And to return her the thing she gave me. In anger I took out all the clothes and dumped all those she bought on the bed, packing up my bag within 10 minutes and ready to go. She then took my phone and refused to let me take them because both of them were from her. Then I heard a loud smash almost immediately after.
I thought it was her smashing my phones and turned around to slap her, because at that time I felt it was over my limit. She had gone too far. I then realized she had smashed the shaver which Chong Juan gave me last time, although that shaver was in all likelihood bought for some other guys. So Yan cried alot and cried hard, to which I continued to scold her not to act like she is the main character in some Taiwan drama.
I do feel an instant regret, and felt that it was too late to explain anything. But whatever guilt I had was swept away by the anger. She became very emotional and very agitated. But she later tried to make peace a few times by asking for hugs, to which I probably was just too dense to notice she was making peace rather than having a final hug before me going off.
We made peace in the end after she said clearly what she was doing and asked me why I could not do the same. I realized I was too dense for such things.
I don't want to become like my father, and want to be a person who treats my girlfriend and my wife well. I hope this will be my last time hitting her, and I pray that you give me self-control.
In Jesus' name, I pray, Amen.
You already have known why I have decided to write this. Because I find myself unable to pray anymore. And then You showed me the post on Facebook why we should write a letter to you. I thought I would do this to replace the prayer, as it would be the same. But I kept on dragging, with You keeping on reminding me about it. And finally today I decided to do it.
To be honest I have no idea what to say, and how this will all turn out. 2015 was so bad I almost lost faith, but held on to that last remainding strand because in my despair and anger I know that I will be hopeless without You. Till today I have no idea why I have to go through all this. I admit that there were things I did not do enough to secure a job here in New Zealand, but there were also chances that were taken away from me. I have no idea why.
But despite that, I still seek for forgiveness when I do something bad, and seek for Your protection, and I said grace before meals. Sometimes I have no idea where I stand. And today once again I am reminded that when trials happen to Christians, there are 2 ways we can go - to hold on to you more firmly or to abandon you.
I know my behavior so far tends to the latter, when I know full well it should be the former. Which is why I am starting this, and want to carry on doing this. Also because Yan is my girlfriend, and my duty as an older Christian and her boyfriend to lead her to You. I also worry about father and mother, whom I have been praying to You for so many years. I know You have sent a few of Your people to evangelize to mother, and she has stubbornly rejected. But to my family and to Yan, I ask that You continue to take care of them. I have no desire to see them in hell.
I have no idea what will happen in 2016. Nothing on my side seemed changed. I still have no desire to pick up a new skill. I am lost. I no longer have any idea what I am doing. I don't know if coming to NZ is worth it. I don't know if I just screwed up my life. It is easier to say to hand everything over to You, but when things go bad I am disappointed and angry.
But maybe today, I will try it again. That I leave 2016 to You, and ask that You take care of me.
In Christ's name,