You already have known why I have decided to write this. Because I find myself unable to pray anymore. And then You showed me the post on Facebook why we should write a letter to you. I thought I would do this to replace the prayer, as it would be the same. But I kept on dragging, with You keeping on reminding me about it. And finally today I decided to do it.
To be honest I have no idea what to say, and how this will all turn out. 2015 was so bad I almost lost faith, but held on to that last remainding strand because in my despair and anger I know that I will be hopeless without You. Till today I have no idea why I have to go through all this. I admit that there were things I did not do enough to secure a job here in New Zealand, but there were also chances that were taken away from me. I have no idea why.
But despite that, I still seek for forgiveness when I do something bad, and seek for Your protection, and I said grace before meals. Sometimes I have no idea where I stand. And today once again I am reminded that when trials happen to Christians, there are 2 ways we can go - to hold on to you more firmly or to abandon you.
I know my behavior so far tends to the latter, when I know full well it should be the former. Which is why I am starting this, and want to carry on doing this. Also because Yan is my girlfriend, and my duty as an older Christian and her boyfriend to lead her to You. I also worry about father and mother, whom I have been praying to You for so many years. I know You have sent a few of Your people to evangelize to mother, and she has stubbornly rejected. But to my family and to Yan, I ask that You continue to take care of them. I have no desire to see them in hell.
I have no idea what will happen in 2016. Nothing on my side seemed changed. I still have no desire to pick up a new skill. I am lost. I no longer have any idea what I am doing. I don't know if coming to NZ is worth it. I don't know if I just screwed up my life. It is easier to say to hand everything over to You, but when things go bad I am disappointed and angry.
But maybe today, I will try it again. That I leave 2016 to You, and ask that You take care of me.
In Christ's name,