Posting Out

Finally the time has come for me to move to another place to work. My time at the current location is up, and I have always thought I would go some time in May. But some time ago she told me that my posting will be in September, and the other location which wanted me had no news after that. And there I was naively, happily working, thinking that I was given more time on the clock.

I was eating a very late lunch at 1600h after work, my first meal of the day. I am supposed to be very hungry, but my boss Whatsapp’ed me, asking if I have any issue transferring to that location which I do not really wish to go in 2 weeks. To put it simply, I am in Area A. The place I am to go is in Area B, which I have a lot of issues and prejudice with, partly due to my own experience, partly due to my friends’ experience there.

And the biggest reason why I do not wish to go, is because I probably won’t get to see her much (if any) after I go. It pains me somehow. No, the word should not be pain. I felt a longing that I know I can never have. A longing that I should never have. A longing that I can only keep in my heart forever.

I Whatsapp’ed her today, in the hopes of asking if she has more information on that particular location in Area B. She did provide me with good information, although my main intention was to find an excuse to talk to her, and finally ask whether she will be ok to have dinner or ice-cream in the future, outside. My only reasonable hope of meeting her. I ended up thanking her of course, for her extra efforts to provide me all the useful information which my current boss did not even bother to.

And she was like sure (for the ice-cream and dinner).
She is of a higher rank than me, same rank as my direct superior. So perhaps when we are working together it may be not that appropriate to go out together?

To be honest I have a feeling she just treat me like some friendly colleague whom she does not think too much about. I know my place.

How ironic. How pathetic. That I have a wife who love me so much yet all I can think about recently is her.

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The Feelings That Will Not Go Away

It does not go away. And as time ticks down to the final moment where I will be posted out, I feel more and more… what is the word should I use? Sad? No. A feeling which I do not know how to describe, knowing that the moment I left my current work location to the next place, I will not see her that much anymore. Perhaps not anymore. My organisation is small, but the area it spanned is big. And without any reason or coincidence, we will just be confined to each of our work locations, without the opportunity to see each other.

I thank Big Boss up there for giving me the opportunity to work with her, though not as much as I wanted to. To attend a course with her where the 2 days were really enjoyable for me. I got to talk to her on a more personal level and privately which I normally could not. I got to take a walk with her to the outside where we got our lunch.

But such things will end. Because we are not together, and so our lives not tied as one and hence there has to be an end. The one who will walk with me all the way is, will be, and should only be my wife – the woman I should treasure. Perhaps Big Boss up there took pity on me, and gave me the opportunity to save up some memories with her.

If you ask me now, the best I could hope for will be to become good friends with her. But that is very improbable. The status of a married person places too much limit on a person when interacting with the opposite sex. People do place restrictions on themselves, and so do you. She will never initiate conversations with me, unless absolutely necessary. But whenever I initiated conversations with her, it will also be mostly about work.

Today she told me the boss of another work location wanted to know about me, on whether I wanted to work under him. She is not my boss, but she relayed the message to the management of my department. Personally I do not mind the work nature of the other work location, but it just so happened that if I work there, I can really forget about seeing her anymore. The area which this organisation takes up is simply too big and segregated. But of course nothing is confirmed now.

This week I swapped my duty with another colleague. She is on the same weekend duty shift as me. So whenever I work weekends I will see her unless one of us is away or swapped duty. It was with reluctance that I swapped with her, despite the fact that even if I work the full 12 hour shift, I will also only get to see her and talk to her for that bit of time. Because while we are in the same general work location, we are in different specific locations.

And as time goes by, my heart feels more and more unhappy. I guess I really like her.

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Liking someone when you can’t do anything about it is frustrating. Liking someone when you are not supposed to is also hurting.

The other day one of my closer friends told me she wanted a divorce. There were reasons which I will not say here. But she also told me she never really loved her husband, and also that she is now crushing heavily on another man whom she knew would be impossible between them. And I told her my story, the story of the past few posts in this blog.

I was searching for myself, when I come across this post in the link below. And I Whatsapp’ed her the link as it speaks to me.

I just ended a 2 day workplace course with her. I did not expect that she has also signed up for it. I was in fact annoyed that I had to go to the course because it was something I did not believe in, and it made me missed an opportunity for a mahjong session with a few other colleagues. Until I saw her name in the class list when they sent out the course placement letter.

That day came and as luck had it, and a little bit of my ushering, we sat together in class. And we had tea-breaks in between where we talked, and near 2 hour lunch breaks where we spent most of the time together just friendly talking. I am no disillusioned idiot who thinks that just because a lady spent time talking to me and had lunch with me alone it meant she had feelings for me. I know reality well enough.

But I am grateful (should I even be, and to whom?) that I had 2 days worth of lunch break privately with her. There were too many people around during the short tea breaks but generally yes, I still am able to be with her most of it. I am grateful, but I am not satisfied. I want more, not because I had spent this bit of sweetness with her, but I had wanted it all along. That is why I am grateful to have these 2 days.

I will still get to see her during work, but I probably would not get to have private time with her on this level again, much as I hope to.

It is wrong to think that way, but feelings are not something I can control. It is something I do not wish to cut by myself too. I am not the kind who will resolve my cognitive dissonance by saying things like: “She must have certain flaws which makes her not that good” or the like. No. I will admit she is as far as I know now, a good woman, someone I like. I know everyone has flaws. I know things might not work out even if both of us are single and got together. But I will not go smear things on someone just because I cannot get her.

And as I am typing this, I feel awful. Is there a way to resolve this? Yes, there are many advices out there. Do I want to take it? No. Will I suffer? Yes. Why would I want to do this still? Because I like her.

I am not a good person. Even if today I got together with her, will I still look at other people? Probably yes. I fall in love too easily.

Post cuts off because I suddenly cannot write anymore at this time.

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A Dream

I had thought of continue writing since the previous post, but did not do so for a long time. Partly because I know it is not right to dwell on these undesirable feelings anymore, partly because I know nothing will come out of all these. Yet I find myself thinking of her many times. I did not have such a feeling for a long time, a constant longing for someone, and at the same time knowing that no good fruit will come out of it, even if in the improbable situation where it does bear fruit.

Being more careful this time to prevent gossip, I measured my actions more closely. Afterall it is the workplace. My time at the current posting is almost up. I have about 3 months more if things goes well in terms of my career. This means that in the worst case scenario there is only such amount of time left where I can see her this frequently, after which depending on where I get posted to, I may see her very little or even not at all anymore.

Yet often times I harbour the thought that perhaps in one of my many projects I may get to work with her again. Our organisation is famous for its many meaningless, pointless and time-wasting projects which we have to do. That in the rare circumstance I will work with her again is my little hope. I have also floated the thought to her that sometimes finding people to chill out after work is difficult. But I know better. This is as far as our relationship goes – that of a working colleague who have small talks when we see each other during work, and which will end soon.

What triggred today’s post was the dream I had yesterday night. I dreamt that I was outside doing certain activities with her and some other colleagues. Yet somewhere along we became closer. Nothing illicit and nothing sexual. But more towards something of ‘more than friends less than girlfriend’ that sort of thing. I enjoyed it and was happy. And then I woke up.

They say only 5% of married couples attain true happiness. At times I wonder if I am part of the 95%. Sometimes I wonder if I will lose everything simply because I do not treasure it.

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Life is so full of uncontrollable desires.

From the desire to have obscene level of wealth, the desire to have deep knowledge of things, to the desire of having many other someone. That boils down to a single word – greed.

I am a very greedy person, and I am not proud of it. Sometimes I suspect this greed will be my downfall.

There was a friend who told me once, with reference to my greed for obscene wealth, that I will either do better than the rest or fall lower than the others. There will be no in-between.

Of course the greed to have many other someone. I said before in my previous post I am someone who fall in love and lust after others too easily. I struggle a lot and I am not proud to have such thoughts in my head. Afterall, I am now married and have a wife who is absolutely faithful and love me with all her heart.

I do not intend to betray her. Yet the struggle is real. 

There was once in the church, that my pastor said that for us it is a spiritual struggle. That for Christians it is the struggle between the desire of the flesh and the desire to do the right thing.

Christians are not holy people. Christians are people who know they are wretched and needs someone to save them.

But I digressed from my original intention of this post.

Recently there was this woman too. 5 years older than me. Hitting the maximum range of age which I can accept. Our paths met early in this current career of mine as a ‘security guard’. It was only for a few months, and I thought that will be the end of it. But a year and a half later, our paths crossed again and this time I am in a slightly better position to interact on a closer basis with her. In case it is not obvious, she is in a higher ranking position than me. Half of it because she is older than me, and half of it because this was her first career but for me it is not. And I started from the bottom when I made the jump.

Deep within me I know nothing will come out of it. And even if something were to come out of it, nothing good will bear fruit. In fact you may call it ‘fated’ that our paths will never come together in that sense.

Had I not married, and under desperate circumstances, made the sacrifice to join this career, I would not have met her. Hence from the start this whole thing has already been determined as impossible.

Yet slowly, there were opportunities to interact not only in the context of work, but small talk on personal stuffs during work hours when certain opportunities arises. There has been some joking comments by colleagues, which so far while remaining as a joke, is also a hint for me to control myself.

Because of course, the other party is just acting normally. People are not blind.

There are things which only you will know. And no one else should know about it. To be pushed down to the pits of your heart and memory.

Such is life. And life is a bitch sometimes. 

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Feelings, they are a weird thing. There are some people whom you just don’t like at first sight, and there are those you like at first sight. There are also those that you like after some time. 

But the most irritating part of them all is that you are unable to control them. Even when you know it is wrong, that you are not supposed to feel that way.

In Chinese there is this saying:

Loosely translated it means this:
The fated will travel a thousand miles to meet, the unfated will not meet even though they are right in front of each other.

I especially love this saying, because I felt it applies to me. In my life I ever have 4 girlfriends, the last married me eventually. But only the first one is from the same country as me, the second from country A, and the last 2 from country B.

It amazes me sometimes just how much this so-called destiny or fate plays a part. That 2 people born and lived so far apart, actually had the opportunity to meet and come together to share a part of their lives.

Then of course I somewhat experienced first hand the feeling of the second part of the saying. That after a breakup, walking by each other while pretending to be strangers, even though knowing each other was there.

My wife and I had a difficult road at the start. We suffered together and she married me at my poorest and my lowest. She has a good character and has life goals which are aligned as me.

And that is where other issues come in, wholly on my part.

I was and am a person who easily fall in love or have romantic feelings for others. And sometimes it will just be a, I admit, strong and lingering lust towards certain individuals that just refuses to go away even after a few years.

And these are the things that I cannot tell anyone. That I have so gotten used to keeping them to myself that I am surprised I can write all these down today. But I just had a rash idea of writing them down these few days.

There are those who are fated never to see the best side of each other.
There are those who are fated never to have each other.

In all logical thinking, I know that even if you give me the prettiest girl in this world, once I have slept with her enough, I will still turn to look at other girls, even if they are not as pretty as the one I have. 

In all logical thinking, giving up the current one and going after others is insane. Because everyone has their flaws, and after the initial infatuation, lust or whatever you call in, reality will sink in.

That I will not give up my current one because I know I will regret and highly likely not finding a better one who fits and loves me so much. Yet, that persistent lust and thoughts sometimes are a bit hard to handle.

Will continue the story in another post.

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Chinese Songs

Recently I realized that the Chinese (in China) has been producing more and more better music. My impression of Chinese music have always been horrible. They kept singing old songs that reeks of patriotism or gusto. Or simply old folk song that only people of my grandfather’s era would even find it remotely interesting. I am pretty sure you all have heard some of it so maybe I will not post a video here to remind everyone how a sample may sound like.

But recently someone close to me has been listening to random Chinese songs on a podcast or radio. There have been nice ones. Don’t get me wrong, I listen to Taiwan and Hong Kong music, and they are Chinese music too. When I said Chinese here, I mean mainland China. Anyways, over time I realized, the better musics are not just a random outlier. They do produce better songs these days.

I do not watch Chinese music shows because many of them have a horrible rendition of an old nice song from Taiwan or Hong Kong, and a crappy panel and audience who fake crying or being touched by their music. Mainstream music by record companies or TV stations are just now crap. I went to the internet and found a bunch of songs sang by people on the internet. The internet has made it easy for everyone to be a producer and to upload their content for all to see, without going through those pesky record companies and their one-sided contracts, and perhaps a few sensual nights with them producers.

Anyways I have started to build up and recreate my playlist, which was too outdated by now, with my newly found songs. Some of which, I admit, have been quite a few years old. Either way. enjoy the music below and see if you have the same taste as me.

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Recently I realized that Chinese music from China has progressed a lot. From the old type of music that although may be nice but does not attract a lot of overseas fans, it has progressed to a form which appeals to foreigners. More like Taiwan music in the past.

For example, a typical Chinese song from China which may be nice and popular but which does not really appeal to me:

An example of older Taiwan song which I liked (nowadays the songs really suck)

But recently there are more and more China Chinese music which appeals to me.

And as I searched for the singer / band of the song in the last video, I came to a page (similar to a page of a Youtube uploader in China) where this pops up.

It is not the singer of course. What attracts me is the subtitle of this page:
which translates to
I have liked you for a year, but because of her, the one whom you love, you have disliked me for a year.

I am not at that age where I still dwell in such emo romance. But it did bring back feelings of nostalgia. And weirdly, it prompted me to start this personal blog which I have been dragging and hesitating to. This lingering feeling of nostalgia probably will last throughout the day. My sentimental feelings have caused me my fair share of troubles in my 20s, though I have it under much control now.

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