Greed

Life is so full of uncontrollable desires.

From the desire to have obscene level of wealth, the desire to have deep knowledge of things, to the desire of having many other someone. That boils down to a single word – greed.

I am a very greedy person, and I am not proud of it. Sometimes I suspect this greed will be my downfall.

There was a friend who told me once, with reference to my greed for obscene wealth, that I will either do better than the rest or fall lower than the others. There will be no in-between.

Of course the greed to have many other someone. I said before in my previous post I am someone who fall in love and lust after others too easily. I struggle a lot and I am not proud to have such thoughts in my head. Afterall, I am now married and have a wife who is absolutely faithful and love me with all her heart.

I do not intend to betray her. Yet the struggle is real. 

There was once in the church, that my pastor said that for us it is a spiritual struggle. That for Christians it is the struggle between the desire of the flesh and the desire to do the right thing.

Christians are not holy people. Christians are people who know they are wretched and needs someone to save them.

But I digressed from my original intention of this post.

Recently there was this woman too. 5 years older than me. Hitting the maximum range of age which I can accept. Our paths met early in this current career of mine as a ‘security guard’. It was only for a few months, and I thought that will be the end of it. But a year and a half later, our paths crossed again and this time I am in a slightly better position to interact on a closer basis with her. In case it is not obvious, she is in a higher ranking position than me. Half of it because she is older than me, and half of it because this was her first career but for me it is not. And I started from the bottom when I made the jump.

Deep within me I know nothing will come out of it. And even if something were to come out of it, nothing good will bear fruit. In fact you may call it ‘fated’ that our paths will never come together in that sense.

Had I not married, and under desperate circumstances, made the sacrifice to join this career, I would not have met her. Hence from the start this whole thing has already been determined as impossible.

Yet slowly, there were opportunities to interact not only in the context of work, but small talk on personal stuffs during work hours when certain opportunities arises. There has been some joking comments by colleagues, which so far while remaining as a joke, is also a hint for me to control myself.

Because of course, the other party is just acting normally. People are not blind.

There are things which only you will know. And no one else should know about it. To be pushed down to the pits of your heart and memory.

Such is life. And life is a bitch sometimes. 

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Feelings

Feelings, they are a weird thing. There are some people whom you just don’t like at first sight, and there are those you like at first sight. There are also those that you like after some time. 

But the most irritating part of them all is that you are unable to control them. Even when you know it is wrong, that you are not supposed to feel that way.

In Chinese there is this saying:
有緣千里來相會,無緣對面不相逢

Loosely translated it means this:
The fated will travel a thousand miles to meet, the unfated will not meet even though they are right in front of each other.

I especially love this saying, because I felt it applies to me. In my life I ever have 4 girlfriends, the last married me eventually. But only the first one is from the same country as me, the second from country A, and the last 2 from country B.

It amazes me sometimes just how much this so-called destiny or fate plays a part. That 2 people born and lived so far apart, actually had the opportunity to meet and come together to share a part of their lives.

Then of course I somewhat experienced first hand the feeling of the second part of the saying. That after a breakup, walking by each other while pretending to be strangers, even though knowing each other was there.

My wife and I had a difficult road at the start. We suffered together and she married me at my poorest and my lowest. She has a good character and has life goals which are aligned as me.

And that is where other issues come in, wholly on my part.

I was and am a person who easily fall in love or have romantic feelings for others. And sometimes it will just be a, I admit, strong and lingering lust towards certain individuals that just refuses to go away even after a few years.

And these are the things that I cannot tell anyone. That I have so gotten used to keeping them to myself that I am surprised I can write all these down today. But I just had a rash idea of writing them down these few days.

有些人,注定看不到彼此最好的一面
有些人,注定永遠得不到彼此
There are those who are fated never to see the best side of each other.
There are those who are fated never to have each other.

In all logical thinking, I know that even if you give me the prettiest girl in this world, once I have slept with her enough, I will still turn to look at other girls, even if they are not as pretty as the one I have. 

In all logical thinking, giving up the current one and going after others is insane. Because everyone has their flaws, and after the initial infatuation, lust or whatever you call in, reality will sink in.

That I will not give up my current one because I know I will regret and highly likely not finding a better one who fits and loves me so much. Yet, that persistent lust and thoughts sometimes are a bit hard to handle.

Will continue the story in another post.

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Chinese Songs

Recently I realized that the Chinese (in China) has been producing more and more better music. My impression of Chinese music have always been horrible. They kept singing old songs that reeks of patriotism or gusto. Or simply old folk song that only people of my grandfather’s era would even find it remotely interesting. I am pretty sure you all have heard some of it so maybe I will not post a video here to remind everyone how a sample may sound like.

But recently someone close to me has been listening to random Chinese songs on a podcast or radio. There have been nice ones. Don’t get me wrong, I listen to Taiwan and Hong Kong music, and they are Chinese music too. When I said Chinese here, I mean mainland China. Anyways, over time I realized, the better musics are not just a random outlier. They do produce better songs these days.

I do not watch Chinese music shows because many of them have a horrible rendition of an old nice song from Taiwan or Hong Kong, and a crappy panel and audience who fake crying or being touched by their music. Mainstream music by record companies or TV stations are just now crap. I went to the internet and found a bunch of songs sang by people on the internet. The internet has made it easy for everyone to be a producer and to upload their content for all to see, without going through those pesky record companies and their one-sided contracts, and perhaps a few sensual nights with them producers.

Anyways I have started to build up and recreate my playlist, which was too outdated by now, with my newly found songs. Some of which, I admit, have been quite a few years old. Either way. enjoy the music below and see if you have the same taste as me.

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Nostalgia

Recently I realized that Chinese music from China has progressed a lot. From the old type of music that although may be nice but does not attract a lot of overseas fans, it has progressed to a form which appeals to foreigners. More like Taiwan music in the past.

For example, a typical Chinese song from China which may be nice and popular but which does not really appeal to me:

An example of older Taiwan song which I liked (nowadays the songs really suck)

But recently there are more and more China Chinese music which appeals to me.

And as I searched for the singer / band of the song in the last video, I came to a page (similar to a page of a Youtube uploader in China) where this pops up.

It is not the singer of course. What attracts me is the subtitle of this page:
某人我喜欢你有一年了,可是你讨厌我一年了,因为她,你最爱的她
which translates to
I have liked you for a year, but because of her, the one whom you love, you have disliked me for a year.

I am not at that age where I still dwell in such emo romance. But it did bring back feelings of nostalgia. And weirdly, it prompted me to start this personal blog which I have been dragging and hesitating to. This lingering feeling of nostalgia probably will last throughout the day. My sentimental feelings have caused me my fair share of troubles in my 20s, though I have it under much control now.

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