Month: January 2019


Life is so full of uncontrollable desires.

From the desire to have obscene level of wealth, the desire to have deep knowledge of things, to the desire of having many other someone. That boils down to a single word – greed.

I am a very greedy person, and I am not proud of it. Sometimes I suspect this greed will be my downfall.

There was a friend who told me once, with reference to my greed for obscene wealth, that I will either do better than the rest or fall lower than the others. There will be no in-between.

Of course the greed to have many other someone. I said before in my previous post I am someone who fall in love and lust after others too easily. I struggle a lot and I am not proud to have such thoughts in my head. Afterall, I am now married and have a wife who is absolutely faithful and love me with all her heart.

I do not intend to betray her. Yet the struggle is real. 

There was once in the church, that my pastor said that for us it is a spiritual struggle. That for Christians it is the struggle between the desire of the flesh and the desire to do the right thing.

Christians are not holy people. Christians are people who know they are wretched and needs someone to save them.

But I digressed from my original intention of this post.

Recently there was this woman too. 5 years older than me. Hitting the maximum range of age which I can accept. Our paths met early in this current career of mine as a ‘security guard’. It was only for a few months, and I thought that will be the end of it. But a year and a half later, our paths crossed again and this time I am in a slightly better position to interact on a closer basis with her. In case it is not obvious, she is in a higher ranking position than me. Half of it because she is older than me, and half of it because this was her first career but for me it is not. And I started from the bottom when I made the jump.

Deep within me I know nothing will come out of it. And even if something were to come out of it, nothing good will bear fruit. In fact you may call it ‘fated’ that our paths will never come together in that sense.

Had I not married, and under desperate circumstances, made the sacrifice to join this career, I would not have met her. Hence from the start this whole thing has already been determined as impossible.

Yet slowly, there were opportunities to interact not only in the context of work, but small talk on personal stuffs during work hours when certain opportunities arises. There has been some joking comments by colleagues, which so far while remaining as a joke, is also a hint for me to control myself.

Because of course, the other party is just acting normally. People are not blind.

There are things which only you will know. And no one else should know about it. To be pushed down to the pits of your heart and memory.

Such is life. And life is a bitch sometimes. 

Posted by pencil-leads, 0 comments


Feelings, they are a weird thing. There are some people whom you just don’t like at first sight, and there are those you like at first sight. There are also those that you like after some time. 

But the most irritating part of them all is that you are unable to control them. Even when you know it is wrong, that you are not supposed to feel that way.

In Chinese there is this saying:

Loosely translated it means this:
The fated will travel a thousand miles to meet, the unfated will not meet even though they are right in front of each other.

I especially love this saying, because I felt it applies to me. In my life I ever have 4 girlfriends, the last married me eventually. But only the first one is from the same country as me, the second from country A, and the last 2 from country B.

It amazes me sometimes just how much this so-called destiny or fate plays a part. That 2 people born and lived so far apart, actually had the opportunity to meet and come together to share a part of their lives.

Then of course I somewhat experienced first hand the feeling of the second part of the saying. That after a breakup, walking by each other while pretending to be strangers, even though knowing each other was there.

My wife and I had a difficult road at the start. We suffered together and she married me at my poorest and my lowest. She has a good character and has life goals which are aligned as me.

And that is where other issues come in, wholly on my part.

I was and am a person who easily fall in love or have romantic feelings for others. And sometimes it will just be a, I admit, strong and lingering lust towards certain individuals that just refuses to go away even after a few years.

And these are the things that I cannot tell anyone. That I have so gotten used to keeping them to myself that I am surprised I can write all these down today. But I just had a rash idea of writing them down these few days.

There are those who are fated never to see the best side of each other.
There are those who are fated never to have each other.

In all logical thinking, I know that even if you give me the prettiest girl in this world, once I have slept with her enough, I will still turn to look at other girls, even if they are not as pretty as the one I have. 

In all logical thinking, giving up the current one and going after others is insane. Because everyone has their flaws, and after the initial infatuation, lust or whatever you call in, reality will sink in.

That I will not give up my current one because I know I will regret and highly likely not finding a better one who fits and loves me so much. Yet, that persistent lust and thoughts sometimes are a bit hard to handle.

Will continue the story in another post.

Posted by pencil-leads, 0 comments