Life is so full of uncontrollable desires.

From the desire to have obscene level of wealth, the desire to have deep knowledge of things, to the desire of having many other someone. That boils down to a single word – greed.

I am a very greedy person, and I am not proud of it. Sometimes I suspect this greed will be my downfall.

There was a friend who told me once, with reference to my greed for obscene wealth, that I will either do better than the rest or fall lower than the others. There will be no in-between.

Of course the greed to have many other someone. I said before in my previous post I am someone who fall in love and lust after others too easily. I struggle a lot and I am not proud to have such thoughts in my head. Afterall, I am now married and have a wife who is absolutely faithful and love me with all her heart.

I do not intend to betray her. Yet the struggle is real. 

There was once in the church, that my pastor said that for us it is a spiritual struggle. That for Christians it is the struggle between the desire of the flesh and the desire to do the right thing.

Christians are not holy people. Christians are people who know they are wretched and needs someone to save them.

But I digressed from my original intention of this post.

Recently there was this woman too. 5 years older than me. Hitting the maximum range of age which I can accept. Our paths met early in this current career of mine as a ‘security guard’. It was only for a few months, and I thought that will be the end of it. But a year and a half later, our paths crossed again and this time I am in a slightly better position to interact on a closer basis with her. In case it is not obvious, she is in a higher ranking position than me. Half of it because she is older than me, and half of it because this was her first career but for me it is not. And I started from the bottom when I made the jump.

Deep within me I know nothing will come out of it. And even if something were to come out of it, nothing good will bear fruit. In fact you may call it ‘fated’ that our paths will never come together in that sense.

Had I not married, and under desperate circumstances, made the sacrifice to join this career, I would not have met her. Hence from the start this whole thing has already been determined as impossible.

Yet slowly, there were opportunities to interact not only in the context of work, but small talk on personal stuffs during work hours when certain opportunities arises. There has been some joking comments by colleagues, which so far while remaining as a joke, is also a hint for me to control myself.

Because of course, the other party is just acting normally. People are not blind.

There are things which only you will know. And no one else should know about it. To be pushed down to the pits of your heart and memory.

Such is life. And life is a bitch sometimes. 

Posted by pencil-leads

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