A Dream

I had thought of continue writing since the previous post, but did not do so for a long time. Partly because I know it is not right to dwell on these undesirable feelings anymore, partly because I know nothing will come out of all these. Yet I find myself thinking of her many times. I did not have such a feeling for a long time, a constant longing for someone, and at the same time knowing that no good fruit will come out of it, even if in the improbable situation where it does bear fruit.

Being more careful this time to prevent gossip, I measured my actions more closely. Afterall it is the workplace. My time at the current posting is almost up. I have about 3 months more if things goes well in terms of my career. This means that in the worst case scenario there is only such amount of time left where I can see her this frequently, after which depending on where I get posted to, I may see her very little or even not at all anymore.

Yet often times I harbour the thought that perhaps in one of my many projects I may get to work with her again. Our organisation is famous for its many meaningless, pointless and time-wasting projects which we have to do. That in the rare circumstance I will work with her again is my little hope. I have also floated the thought to her that sometimes finding people to chill out after work is difficult. But I know better. This is as far as our relationship goes – that of a working colleague who have small talks when we see each other during work, and which will end soon.

What triggred today’s post was the dream I had yesterday night. I dreamt that I was outside doing certain activities with her and some other colleagues. Yet somewhere along we became closer. Nothing illicit and nothing sexual. But more towards something of ‘more than friends less than girlfriend’ that sort of thing. I enjoyed it and was happy. And then I woke up.

They say only 5% of married couples attain true happiness. At times I wonder if I am part of the 95%. Sometimes I wonder if I will lose everything simply because I do not treasure it.

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