Month: March 2019

The Feelings That Will Not Go Away

It does not go away. And as time ticks down to the final moment where I will be posted out, I feel more and more… what is the word should I use? Sad? No. A feeling which I do not know how to describe, knowing that the moment I left my current work location to the next place, I will not see her that much anymore. Perhaps not anymore. My organisation is small, but the area it spanned is big. And without any reason or coincidence, we will just be confined to each of our work locations, without the opportunity to see each other.

I thank Big Boss up there for giving me the opportunity to work with her, though not as much as I wanted to. To attend a course with her where the 2 days were really enjoyable for me. I got to talk to her on a more personal level and privately which I normally could not. I got to take a walk with her to the outside where we got our lunch.

But such things will end. Because we are not together, and so our lives not tied as one and hence there has to be an end. The one who will walk with me all the way is, will be, and should only be my wife – the woman I should treasure. Perhaps Big Boss up there took pity on me, and gave me the opportunity to save up some memories with her.

If you ask me now, the best I could hope for will be to become good friends with her. But that is very improbable. The status of a married person places too much limit on a person when interacting with the opposite sex. People do place restrictions on themselves, and so do you. She will never initiate conversations with me, unless absolutely necessary. But whenever I initiated conversations with her, it will also be mostly about work.

Today she told me the boss of another work location wanted to know about me, on whether I wanted to work under him. She is not my boss, but she relayed the message to the management of my department. Personally I do not mind the work nature of the other work location, but it just so happened that if I work there, I can really forget about seeing her anymore. The area which this organisation takes up is simply too big and segregated. But of course nothing is confirmed now.

This week I swapped my duty with another colleague. She is on the same weekend duty shift as me. So whenever I work weekends I will see her unless one of us is away or swapped duty. It was with reluctance that I swapped with her, despite the fact that even if I work the full 12 hour shift, I will also only get to see her and talk to her for that bit of time. Because while we are in the same general work location, we are in different specific locations.

And as time goes by, my heart feels more and more unhappy. I guess I really like her.

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Liking someone when you can’t do anything about it is frustrating. Liking someone when you are not supposed to is also hurting.

The other day one of my closer friends told me she wanted a divorce. There were reasons which I will not say here. But she also told me she never really loved her husband, and also that she is now crushing heavily on another man whom she knew would be impossible between them. And I told her my story, the story of the past few posts in this blog.

I was searching for myself, when I come across this post in the link below. And I Whatsapp’ed her the link as it speaks to me.

I just ended a 2 day workplace course with her. I did not expect that she has also signed up for it. I was in fact annoyed that I had to go to the course because it was something I did not believe in, and it made me missed an opportunity for a mahjong session with a few other colleagues. Until I saw her name in the class list when they sent out the course placement letter.

That day came and as luck had it, and a little bit of my ushering, we sat together in class. And we had tea-breaks in between where we talked, and near 2 hour lunch breaks where we spent most of the time together just friendly talking. I am no disillusioned idiot who thinks that just because a lady spent time talking to me and had lunch with me alone it meant she had feelings for me. I know reality well enough.

But I am grateful (should I even be, and to whom?) that I had 2 days worth of lunch break privately with her. There were too many people around during the short tea breaks but generally yes, I still am able to be with her most of it. I am grateful, but I am not satisfied. I want more, not because I had spent this bit of sweetness with her, but I had wanted it all along. That is why I am grateful to have these 2 days.

I will still get to see her during work, but I probably would not get to have private time with her on this level again, much as I hope to.

It is wrong to think that way, but feelings are not something I can control. It is something I do not wish to cut by myself too. I am not the kind who will resolve my cognitive dissonance by saying things like: “She must have certain flaws which makes her not that good” or the like. No. I will admit she is as far as I know now, a good woman, someone I like. I know everyone has flaws. I know things might not work out even if both of us are single and got together. But I will not go smear things on someone just because I cannot get her.

And as I am typing this, I feel awful. Is there a way to resolve this? Yes, there are many advices out there. Do I want to take it? No. Will I suffer? Yes. Why would I want to do this still? Because I like her.

I am not a good person. Even if today I got together with her, will I still look at other people? Probably yes. I fall in love too easily.

Post cuts off because I suddenly cannot write anymore at this time.

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