Liking someone when you can’t do anything about it is frustrating. Liking someone when you are not supposed to is also hurting.

The other day one of my closer friends told me she wanted a divorce. There were reasons which I will not say here. But she also told me she never really loved her husband, and also that she is now crushing heavily on another man whom she knew would be impossible between them. And I told her my story, the story of the past few posts in this blog.

I was searching for myself, when I come across this post in the link below. And I Whatsapp’ed her the link as it speaks to me.

I just ended a 2 day workplace course with her. I did not expect that she has also signed up for it. I was in fact annoyed that I had to go to the course because it was something I did not believe in, and it made me missed an opportunity for a mahjong session with a few other colleagues. Until I saw her name in the class list when they sent out the course placement letter.

That day came and as luck had it, and a little bit of my ushering, we sat together in class. And we had tea-breaks in between where we talked, and near 2 hour lunch breaks where we spent most of the time together just friendly talking. I am no disillusioned idiot who thinks that just because a lady spent time talking to me and had lunch with me alone it meant she had feelings for me. I know reality well enough.

But I am grateful (should I even be, and to whom?) that I had 2 days worth of lunch break privately with her. There were too many people around during the short tea breaks but generally yes, I still am able to be with her most of it. I am grateful, but I am not satisfied. I want more, not because I had spent this bit of sweetness with her, but I had wanted it all along. That is why I am grateful to have these 2 days.

I will still get to see her during work, but I probably would not get to have private time with her on this level again, much as I hope to.

It is wrong to think that way, but feelings are not something I can control. It is something I do not wish to cut by myself too. I am not the kind who will resolve my cognitive dissonance by saying things like: “She must have certain flaws which makes her not that good” or the like. No. I will admit she is as far as I know now, a good woman, someone I like. I know everyone has flaws. I know things might not work out even if both of us are single and got together. But I will not go smear things on someone just because I cannot get her.

And as I am typing this, I feel awful. Is there a way to resolve this? Yes, there are many advices out there. Do I want to take it? No. Will I suffer? Yes. Why would I want to do this still? Because I like her.

I am not a good person. Even if today I got together with her, will I still look at other people? Probably yes. I fall in love too easily.

Post cuts off because I suddenly cannot write anymore at this time.

Posted by pencil-leads

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