Month: June 2019

Last Day

Yesterday was my last day in Area A, my current work location.

The day before I sold off all my gold possessions in preparation for my next investment. I thought of using that to talk to her, because she had found it interesting that I bought physical gold to put at home for investment. I talked to her at night, when the activities for the day were over. It was a longer chat than usual, albeit still a short one.

The next day was my last day at work with her in the same location. I went in earlier and saw her at the cafeteria before me. I told her I would see her for breakfast before I ended the chat the night before. I remembered when I first decided to go eat breakfast, which was already the last few weeks of my time in Area A, she came in quite late. Probably 10 minutes before we were supposed to report for duty. After that she came in earlier, and sometimes earlier than me. I was hoping that it was because of me she came earlier, but I guess it probably is just wishful thinking on my part. Perhaps on that very first day when I went in to eat breakfast she just happened to be late.

That last day I initiated a conversation with her over the workplace instant messenger, doing random chat. It was the first time I did that, as the previous conversations were all about work. Perhaps it was the last day, she chatted a bit more with me initially. As luck would not allow, she was soon busy with other things. And we were not able to talk until the end of the day when we were reporting off for duty.

During that short chat, when I mentioned that I would be on a different shift as her, and that there would be no more chat buddies next time, she mentioned that next time it will be chatting over meals out or ice-cream. Last post I mentioned about not knowing whether she would be up for meals or not, so I took the opportunity to ask her if she is actually ok with it. I told her if she was not comfortable or feel awkward with it, feel free to let me know. She said she was ok with it, and she would bring me to the nice ice-cream place which she told me about.

And that answered my question. I was happy.

Side note:
My own staff has been telling me how much they liked me haha. Of course I told them to let me know what are my flaws too when working under me. These are the 2 flaws:
1. When I am unhappy, I show it on my face quite apparently and it made my subordinates wary of approaching me.
2. I get triggered by other people too easily (not at staff) and often lashed out at others (not at my colleagues too, but by the people I have to deal with everyday).

I need to change these 2 aspects of me. Although the first problem may not be so easy. I am seldom unhappy at work though. The past few weeks all my unhappiness was because I knew I would not be able to see and talk to her that often anymore when I get posted to Area B.

And there were also one colleague who just joined, who told me I would do well in the new place. When asked why, he told me he had observed how I did my work, and felt I could do well.

Overall, today was as good as I could hope for. Parting was sad for me, mainly because of her. But as it is, she had made known she is ok to come out, and my staff gave me a good but very very simple farewell. I was satisfied.

I wish I could talk more with her, get closer to her. But I guess, such is the frustration of life. Big Boss had given me extra time to build the connecting bridge with her, to slowly accept that I have to go. That even if I do not go, sooner or later she would be posted out too.

I am thankful. And I am frustrated. But I really am grateful.

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Counting Down

The last blog post was in April, more than 1 month ago. There were a lot of problems with my posting, and I was supposed to be transferred 1.5 months ago.

As luck, or as Big Boss up there would have it, my posting was delayed for 1.5 months, and I will be moving next Monday. Throughout this whole thing, I was given time to build a further friendship with her to continue outside even when I am out of my current location. I was given time to accept that she too, will gradually drift away from me. That my feelings for her will be a distant memory.

After that last post, I had asked her out for lunch, and she had agreed. It was a 3 hour lunch which I really enjoyed. I enjoyed being with her. I wanted to be with her. And I still do.

Though after that there were still small talks about coming out for ice-cream again, there were 2 times her reply was unexpected – that when I said I would call her out again, she went ‘Oh, ok.’ But she herself sometimes hinted that we would talk more over ice-cream outside.

Over the past weeks I have been moody, which colleagues mistakenly thought it was over the cock-up of my posting. But it was me fretting over not being able to see her as much soon. At least over here, I still get to see her often enough, though not everyday. Over here I still can chat with her at work, over meals. But over there, in Area B, that is like another world. Another world in the sense that while the 2 areas are beside each other, people usually have no business going to the other area. Each area is also isolated and have different schedules and culture.

It was somewhat painful. I like her. It is one thing to chase after her and fail. It is another to like her yet unable to do anything.

Knowing your place is difficult. Knowing your own place and acting accordingly is even more so.
I am married. That is my place.
I am married and I cannot have an affair outside. That is acting accordingly to my own place.

I started to miss her every day when I come to work.
I get irritated when something is blocking me from seeing her.
I find her voice sweet and cute.
I think of hugging her.
I think of coming into close physical relationship with her.

But I know all these will not be possible. Because I am bounded.

My wife told me that one day I will meet someone out there whom I will think is good. She did not know that day has already came. Perhaps she could sense it. She hinted to me before that she did, maybe to test whether I would admit it or not.

I was given a few chances to break up with my wife when we were in a relationship. But each time I did not do it, because she is a good woman. My wife is not someone extremely pretty. But she has brains and she has a good character.

Of course, J is not super pretty either. But she is pretty in my eyes. I like her enough to find her good in many aspects.

Of course, you may say I do not know her enough. Many people would have come up with reasons like there must be some critical flaws in her which would make the whole thing fail, even if I managed to be with her. But no, I do not have enough information to know that. That is just people coming up with a solution to their own cognitive dissonance, a solution which they can deceive themselves with.

I chose to admit that while the above is a possibility, there is also the possibility that she is indeed a very good woman that I want. I will not put her down. But I will have to accept that I am potentially missing out a very good woman whom I can never have.

She said she will ask me how I am doing 2 weeks after my transfer. I said sure over ice-cream. She agreed.

But I know deep down inside, this will be a short term friendship which will slowly fade. She does no wrong if she decides to pull the distance. For I am married and the gossip culture in my workplace is downright toxic and rampant. She has her own life to lead. In fact, even if today I am free and went after her, there is also quite a high chance that I will fail.

Today was one of the sessions where we worked together. We conducted our last training together as trainers. And as she conducted the training, I was trying to remember catch more glimpses of her. To remember her.

One day she too will grow old and perhaps not so attractive anymore. One day perhaps I will lose my feelings for her, just like I did for the other girls before her.
I am someone who easily like others. I am not proud of that aspect of me.
But as of now, I really do like her.

This Saturday is our last weekend shift together.
I am thankful to Big Boss up there that I got to know her.
I am thankful that I got to work in the same location as her.
I am thankful that we are on the same weekend team where we can interact more.
I am thankful for the opportunities to get to know her better, such as attending and conducting the same training.
I am thankful that she agreed to go out for a meal with me.
I am thankful that I am given the time to slowly accept all these and to build the relationship further.
I am thankful.
Yet I want more.
I am greedy.
I have been given more than I deserved. Yet I want more.

Such infidelity on my part, even if nothing physical was done. Yet I do not want to change. I do not want to strike off this feeling.
I am usually a very logical person, more so than the others. Yet when it comes to matters of the heart, I am unable to control myself.

Perhaps one day, I will pay the price.
Perhaps one day, all will be gone.

But as of now, I really like her.

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