Counting Down

The last blog post was in April, more than 1 month ago. There were a lot of problems with my posting, and I was supposed to be transferred 1.5 months ago.

As luck, or as Big Boss up there would have it, my posting was delayed for 1.5 months, and I will be moving next Monday. Throughout this whole thing, I was given time to build a further friendship with her to continue outside even when I am out of my current location. I was given time to accept that she too, will gradually drift away from me. That my feelings for her will be a distant memory.

After that last post, I had asked her out for lunch, and she had agreed. It was a 3 hour lunch which I really enjoyed. I enjoyed being with her. I wanted to be with her. And I still do.

Though after that there were still small talks about coming out for ice-cream again, there were 2 times her reply was unexpected – that when I said I would call her out again, she went ‘Oh, ok.’ But she herself sometimes hinted that we would talk more over ice-cream outside.

Over the past weeks I have been moody, which colleagues mistakenly thought it was over the cock-up of my posting. But it was me fretting over not being able to see her as much soon. At least over here, I still get to see her often enough, though not everyday. Over here I still can chat with her at work, over meals. But over there, in Area B, that is like another world. Another world in the sense that while the 2 areas are beside each other, people usually have no business going to the other area. Each area is also isolated and have different schedules and culture.

It was somewhat painful. I like her. It is one thing to chase after her and fail. It is another to like her yet unable to do anything.

Knowing your place is difficult. Knowing your own place and acting accordingly is even more so.
I am married. That is my place.
I am married and I cannot have an affair outside. That is acting accordingly to my own place.

I started to miss her every day when I come to work.
I get irritated when something is blocking me from seeing her.
I find her voice sweet and cute.
I think of hugging her.
I think of coming into close physical relationship with her.

But I know all these will not be possible. Because I am bounded.

My wife told me that one day I will meet someone out there whom I will think is good. She did not know that day has already came. Perhaps she could sense it. She hinted to me before that she did, maybe to test whether I would admit it or not.

I was given a few chances to break up with my wife when we were in a relationship. But each time I did not do it, because she is a good woman. My wife is not someone extremely pretty. But she has brains and she has a good character.

Of course, J is not super pretty either. But she is pretty in my eyes. I like her enough to find her good in many aspects.

Of course, you may say I do not know her enough. Many people would have come up with reasons like there must be some critical flaws in her which would make the whole thing fail, even if I managed to be with her. But no, I do not have enough information to know that. That is just people coming up with a solution to their own cognitive dissonance, a solution which they can deceive themselves with.

I chose to admit that while the above is a possibility, there is also the possibility that she is indeed a very good woman that I want. I will not put her down. But I will have to accept that I am potentially missing out a very good woman whom I can never have.

She said she will ask me how I am doing 2 weeks after my transfer. I said sure over ice-cream. She agreed.

But I know deep down inside, this will be a short term friendship which will slowly fade. She does no wrong if she decides to pull the distance. For I am married and the gossip culture in my workplace is downright toxic and rampant. She has her own life to lead. In fact, even if today I am free and went after her, there is also quite a high chance that I will fail.

Today was one of the sessions where we worked together. We conducted our last training together as trainers. And as she conducted the training, I was trying to remember catch more glimpses of her. To remember her.

One day she too will grow old and perhaps not so attractive anymore. One day perhaps I will lose my feelings for her, just like I did for the other girls before her.
I am someone who easily like others. I am not proud of that aspect of me.
But as of now, I really do like her.

This Saturday is our last weekend shift together.
I am thankful to Big Boss up there that I got to know her.
I am thankful that I got to work in the same location as her.
I am thankful that we are on the same weekend team where we can interact more.
I am thankful for the opportunities to get to know her better, such as attending and conducting the same training.
I am thankful that she agreed to go out for a meal with me.
I am thankful that I am given the time to slowly accept all these and to build the relationship further.
I am thankful.
Yet I want more.
I am greedy.
I have been given more than I deserved. Yet I want more.

Such infidelity on my part, even if nothing physical was done. Yet I do not want to change. I do not want to strike off this feeling.
I am usually a very logical person, more so than the others. Yet when it comes to matters of the heart, I am unable to control myself.

Perhaps one day, I will pay the price.
Perhaps one day, all will be gone.

But as of now, I really like her.

Posted by pencil-leads

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