pencil-leads

Last Day

Yesterday was my last day in Area A, my current work location.

The day before I sold off all my gold possessions in preparation for my next investment. I thought of using that to talk to her, because she had found it interesting that I bought physical gold to put at home for investment. I talked to her at night, when the activities for the day were over. It was a longer chat than usual, albeit still a short one.

The next day was my last day at work with her in the same location. I went in earlier and saw her at the cafeteria before me. I told her I would see her for breakfast before I ended the chat the night before. I remembered when I first decided to go eat breakfast, which was already the last few weeks of my time in Area A, she came in quite late. Probably 10 minutes before we were supposed to report for duty. After that she came in earlier, and sometimes earlier than me. I was hoping that it was because of me she came earlier, but I guess it probably is just wishful thinking on my part. Perhaps on that very first day when I went in to eat breakfast she just happened to be late.

That last day I initiated a conversation with her over the workplace instant messenger, doing random chat. It was the first time I did that, as the previous conversations were all about work. Perhaps it was the last day, she chatted a bit more with me initially. As luck would not allow, she was soon busy with other things. And we were not able to talk until the end of the day when we were reporting off for duty.

During that short chat, when I mentioned that I would be on a different shift as her, and that there would be no more chat buddies next time, she mentioned that next time it will be chatting over meals out or ice-cream. Last post I mentioned about not knowing whether she would be up for meals or not, so I took the opportunity to ask her if she is actually ok with it. I told her if she was not comfortable or feel awkward with it, feel free to let me know. She said she was ok with it, and she would bring me to the nice ice-cream place which she told me about.

And that answered my question. I was happy.

Side note:
My own staff has been telling me how much they liked me haha. Of course I told them to let me know what are my flaws too when working under me. These are the 2 flaws:
1. When I am unhappy, I show it on my face quite apparently and it made my subordinates wary of approaching me.
2. I get triggered by other people too easily (not at staff) and often lashed out at others (not at my colleagues too, but by the people I have to deal with everyday).

I need to change these 2 aspects of me. Although the first problem may not be so easy. I am seldom unhappy at work though. The past few weeks all my unhappiness was because I knew I would not be able to see and talk to her that often anymore when I get posted to Area B.

And there were also one colleague who just joined, who told me I would do well in the new place. When asked why, he told me he had observed how I did my work, and felt I could do well.

Overall, today was as good as I could hope for. Parting was sad for me, mainly because of her. But as it is, she had made known she is ok to come out, and my staff gave me a good but very very simple farewell. I was satisfied.

I wish I could talk more with her, get closer to her. But I guess, such is the frustration of life. Big Boss had given me extra time to build the connecting bridge with her, to slowly accept that I have to go. That even if I do not go, sooner or later she would be posted out too.

I am thankful. And I am frustrated. But I really am grateful.

Posted by pencil-leads, 0 comments

Counting Down

The last blog post was in April, more than 1 month ago. There were a lot of problems with my posting, and I was supposed to be transferred 1.5 months ago.

As luck, or as Big Boss up there would have it, my posting was delayed for 1.5 months, and I will be moving next Monday. Throughout this whole thing, I was given time to build a further friendship with her to continue outside even when I am out of my current location. I was given time to accept that she too, will gradually drift away from me. That my feelings for her will be a distant memory.

After that last post, I had asked her out for lunch, and she had agreed. It was a 3 hour lunch which I really enjoyed. I enjoyed being with her. I wanted to be with her. And I still do.

Though after that there were still small talks about coming out for ice-cream again, there were 2 times her reply was unexpected – that when I said I would call her out again, she went ‘Oh, ok.’ But she herself sometimes hinted that we would talk more over ice-cream outside.

Over the past weeks I have been moody, which colleagues mistakenly thought it was over the cock-up of my posting. But it was me fretting over not being able to see her as much soon. At least over here, I still get to see her often enough, though not everyday. Over here I still can chat with her at work, over meals. But over there, in Area B, that is like another world. Another world in the sense that while the 2 areas are beside each other, people usually have no business going to the other area. Each area is also isolated and have different schedules and culture.

It was somewhat painful. I like her. It is one thing to chase after her and fail. It is another to like her yet unable to do anything.

Knowing your place is difficult. Knowing your own place and acting accordingly is even more so.
I am married. That is my place.
I am married and I cannot have an affair outside. That is acting accordingly to my own place.

I started to miss her every day when I come to work.
I get irritated when something is blocking me from seeing her.
I find her voice sweet and cute.
I think of hugging her.
I think of coming into close physical relationship with her.

But I know all these will not be possible. Because I am bounded.

My wife told me that one day I will meet someone out there whom I will think is good. She did not know that day has already came. Perhaps she could sense it. She hinted to me before that she did, maybe to test whether I would admit it or not.

I was given a few chances to break up with my wife when we were in a relationship. But each time I did not do it, because she is a good woman. My wife is not someone extremely pretty. But she has brains and she has a good character.

Of course, J is not super pretty either. But she is pretty in my eyes. I like her enough to find her good in many aspects.

Of course, you may say I do not know her enough. Many people would have come up with reasons like there must be some critical flaws in her which would make the whole thing fail, even if I managed to be with her. But no, I do not have enough information to know that. That is just people coming up with a solution to their own cognitive dissonance, a solution which they can deceive themselves with.

I chose to admit that while the above is a possibility, there is also the possibility that she is indeed a very good woman that I want. I will not put her down. But I will have to accept that I am potentially missing out a very good woman whom I can never have.

She said she will ask me how I am doing 2 weeks after my transfer. I said sure over ice-cream. She agreed.

But I know deep down inside, this will be a short term friendship which will slowly fade. She does no wrong if she decides to pull the distance. For I am married and the gossip culture in my workplace is downright toxic and rampant. She has her own life to lead. In fact, even if today I am free and went after her, there is also quite a high chance that I will fail.

Today was one of the sessions where we worked together. We conducted our last training together as trainers. And as she conducted the training, I was trying to remember catch more glimpses of her. To remember her.

One day she too will grow old and perhaps not so attractive anymore. One day perhaps I will lose my feelings for her, just like I did for the other girls before her.
I am someone who easily like others. I am not proud of that aspect of me.
But as of now, I really do like her.

This Saturday is our last weekend shift together.
I am thankful to Big Boss up there that I got to know her.
I am thankful that I got to work in the same location as her.
I am thankful that we are on the same weekend team where we can interact more.
I am thankful for the opportunities to get to know her better, such as attending and conducting the same training.
I am thankful that she agreed to go out for a meal with me.
I am thankful that I am given the time to slowly accept all these and to build the relationship further.
I am thankful.
Yet I want more.
I am greedy.
I have been given more than I deserved. Yet I want more.

Such infidelity on my part, even if nothing physical was done. Yet I do not want to change. I do not want to strike off this feeling.
I am usually a very logical person, more so than the others. Yet when it comes to matters of the heart, I am unable to control myself.

Perhaps one day, I will pay the price.
Perhaps one day, all will be gone.

But as of now, I really like her.

Posted by pencil-leads, 0 comments

Posting Out

Finally the time has come for me to move to another place to work. My time at the current location is up, and I have always thought I would go some time in May. But some time ago she told me that my posting will be in September, and the other location which wanted me had no news after that. And there I was naively, happily working, thinking that I was given more time on the clock.

I was eating a very late lunch at 1600h after work, my first meal of the day. I am supposed to be very hungry, but my boss Whatsapp’ed me, asking if I have any issue transferring to that location which I do not really wish to go in 2 weeks. To put it simply, I am in Area A. The place I am to go is in Area B, which I have a lot of issues and prejudice with, partly due to my own experience, partly due to my friends’ experience there.

And the biggest reason why I do not wish to go, is because I probably won’t get to see her much (if any) after I go. It pains me somehow. No, the word should not be pain. I felt a longing that I know I can never have. A longing that I should never have. A longing that I can only keep in my heart forever.

I Whatsapp’ed her today, in the hopes of asking if she has more information on that particular location in Area B. She did provide me with good information, although my main intention was to find an excuse to talk to her, and finally ask whether she will be ok to have dinner or ice-cream in the future, outside. My only reasonable hope of meeting her. I ended up thanking her of course, for her extra efforts to provide me all the useful information which my current boss did not even bother to.

And she was like sure (for the ice-cream and dinner).
She is of a higher rank than me, same rank as my direct superior. So perhaps when we are working together it may be not that appropriate to go out together?

To be honest I have a feeling she just treat me like some friendly colleague whom she does not think too much about. I know my place.

How ironic. How pathetic. That I have a wife who love me so much yet all I can think about recently is her.

Posted by pencil-leads, 0 comments

The Feelings That Will Not Go Away

It does not go away. And as time ticks down to the final moment where I will be posted out, I feel more and more… what is the word should I use? Sad? No. A feeling which I do not know how to describe, knowing that the moment I left my current work location to the next place, I will not see her that much anymore. Perhaps not anymore. My organisation is small, but the area it spanned is big. And without any reason or coincidence, we will just be confined to each of our work locations, without the opportunity to see each other.

I thank Big Boss up there for giving me the opportunity to work with her, though not as much as I wanted to. To attend a course with her where the 2 days were really enjoyable for me. I got to talk to her on a more personal level and privately which I normally could not. I got to take a walk with her to the outside where we got our lunch.

But such things will end. Because we are not together, and so our lives not tied as one and hence there has to be an end. The one who will walk with me all the way is, will be, and should only be my wife – the woman I should treasure. Perhaps Big Boss up there took pity on me, and gave me the opportunity to save up some memories with her.

If you ask me now, the best I could hope for will be to become good friends with her. But that is very improbable. The status of a married person places too much limit on a person when interacting with the opposite sex. People do place restrictions on themselves, and so do you. She will never initiate conversations with me, unless absolutely necessary. But whenever I initiated conversations with her, it will also be mostly about work.

Today she told me the boss of another work location wanted to know about me, on whether I wanted to work under him. She is not my boss, but she relayed the message to the management of my department. Personally I do not mind the work nature of the other work location, but it just so happened that if I work there, I can really forget about seeing her anymore. The area which this organisation takes up is simply too big and segregated. But of course nothing is confirmed now.

This week I swapped my duty with another colleague. She is on the same weekend duty shift as me. So whenever I work weekends I will see her unless one of us is away or swapped duty. It was with reluctance that I swapped with her, despite the fact that even if I work the full 12 hour shift, I will also only get to see her and talk to her for that bit of time. Because while we are in the same general work location, we are in different specific locations.

And as time goes by, my heart feels more and more unhappy. I guess I really like her.

Posted by pencil-leads, 0 comments

Limerence

Liking someone when you can’t do anything about it is frustrating. Liking someone when you are not supposed to is also hurting.

The other day one of my closer friends told me she wanted a divorce. There were reasons which I will not say here. But she also told me she never really loved her husband, and also that she is now crushing heavily on another man whom she knew would be impossible between them. And I told her my story, the story of the past few posts in this blog.

I was searching for myself, when I come across this post in the link below. And I Whatsapp’ed her the link as it speaks to me.
https://www.crosswalk.com/family/marriage/i-m-in-love-with-another-man.html

I just ended a 2 day workplace course with her. I did not expect that she has also signed up for it. I was in fact annoyed that I had to go to the course because it was something I did not believe in, and it made me missed an opportunity for a mahjong session with a few other colleagues. Until I saw her name in the class list when they sent out the course placement letter.

That day came and as luck had it, and a little bit of my ushering, we sat together in class. And we had tea-breaks in between where we talked, and near 2 hour lunch breaks where we spent most of the time together just friendly talking. I am no disillusioned idiot who thinks that just because a lady spent time talking to me and had lunch with me alone it meant she had feelings for me. I know reality well enough.

But I am grateful (should I even be, and to whom?) that I had 2 days worth of lunch break privately with her. There were too many people around during the short tea breaks but generally yes, I still am able to be with her most of it. I am grateful, but I am not satisfied. I want more, not because I had spent this bit of sweetness with her, but I had wanted it all along. That is why I am grateful to have these 2 days.

I will still get to see her during work, but I probably would not get to have private time with her on this level again, much as I hope to.

It is wrong to think that way, but feelings are not something I can control. It is something I do not wish to cut by myself too. I am not the kind who will resolve my cognitive dissonance by saying things like: “She must have certain flaws which makes her not that good” or the like. No. I will admit she is as far as I know now, a good woman, someone I like. I know everyone has flaws. I know things might not work out even if both of us are single and got together. But I will not go smear things on someone just because I cannot get her.

And as I am typing this, I feel awful. Is there a way to resolve this? Yes, there are many advices out there. Do I want to take it? No. Will I suffer? Yes. Why would I want to do this still? Because I like her.

I am not a good person. Even if today I got together with her, will I still look at other people? Probably yes. I fall in love too easily.

Post cuts off because I suddenly cannot write anymore at this time.

Posted by pencil-leads, 0 comments

A Dream

I had thought of continue writing since the previous post, but did not do so for a long time. Partly because I know it is not right to dwell on these undesirable feelings anymore, partly because I know nothing will come out of all these. Yet I find myself thinking of her many times. I did not have such a feeling for a long time, a constant longing for someone, and at the same time knowing that no good fruit will come out of it, even if in the improbable situation where it does bear fruit.

Being more careful this time to prevent gossip, I measured my actions more closely. Afterall it is the workplace. My time at the current posting is almost up. I have about 3 months more if things goes well in terms of my career. This means that in the worst case scenario there is only such amount of time left where I can see her this frequently, after which depending on where I get posted to, I may see her very little or even not at all anymore.

Yet often times I harbour the thought that perhaps in one of my many projects I may get to work with her again. Our organisation is famous for its many meaningless, pointless and time-wasting projects which we have to do. That in the rare circumstance I will work with her again is my little hope. I have also floated the thought to her that sometimes finding people to chill out after work is difficult. But I know better. This is as far as our relationship goes – that of a working colleague who have small talks when we see each other during work, and which will end soon.

What triggred today’s post was the dream I had yesterday night. I dreamt that I was outside doing certain activities with her and some other colleagues. Yet somewhere along we became closer. Nothing illicit and nothing sexual. But more towards something of ‘more than friends less than girlfriend’ that sort of thing. I enjoyed it and was happy. And then I woke up.

They say only 5% of married couples attain true happiness. At times I wonder if I am part of the 95%. Sometimes I wonder if I will lose everything simply because I do not treasure it.

Posted by pencil-leads, 0 comments

Greed

Life is so full of uncontrollable desires.

From the desire to have obscene level of wealth, the desire to have deep knowledge of things, to the desire of having many other someone. That boils down to a single word – greed.

I am a very greedy person, and I am not proud of it. Sometimes I suspect this greed will be my downfall.

There was a friend who told me once, with reference to my greed for obscene wealth, that I will either do better than the rest or fall lower than the others. There will be no in-between.

Of course the greed to have many other someone. I said before in my previous post I am someone who fall in love and lust after others too easily. I struggle a lot and I am not proud to have such thoughts in my head. Afterall, I am now married and have a wife who is absolutely faithful and love me with all her heart.

I do not intend to betray her. Yet the struggle is real. 

There was once in the church, that my pastor said that for us it is a spiritual struggle. That for Christians it is the struggle between the desire of the flesh and the desire to do the right thing.

Christians are not holy people. Christians are people who know they are wretched and needs someone to save them.

But I digressed from my original intention of this post.

Recently there was this woman too. 5 years older than me. Hitting the maximum range of age which I can accept. Our paths met early in this current career of mine as a ‘security guard’. It was only for a few months, and I thought that will be the end of it. But a year and a half later, our paths crossed again and this time I am in a slightly better position to interact on a closer basis with her. In case it is not obvious, she is in a higher ranking position than me. Half of it because she is older than me, and half of it because this was her first career but for me it is not. And I started from the bottom when I made the jump.

Deep within me I know nothing will come out of it. And even if something were to come out of it, nothing good will bear fruit. In fact you may call it ‘fated’ that our paths will never come together in that sense.

Had I not married, and under desperate circumstances, made the sacrifice to join this career, I would not have met her. Hence from the start this whole thing has already been determined as impossible.

Yet slowly, there were opportunities to interact not only in the context of work, but small talk on personal stuffs during work hours when certain opportunities arises. There has been some joking comments by colleagues, which so far while remaining as a joke, is also a hint for me to control myself.

Because of course, the other party is just acting normally. People are not blind.

There are things which only you will know. And no one else should know about it. To be pushed down to the pits of your heart and memory.

Such is life. And life is a bitch sometimes. 

Posted by pencil-leads, 0 comments

Feelings

Feelings, they are a weird thing. There are some people whom you just don’t like at first sight, and there are those you like at first sight. There are also those that you like after some time. 

But the most irritating part of them all is that you are unable to control them. Even when you know it is wrong, that you are not supposed to feel that way.

In Chinese there is this saying:
有緣千里來相會,無緣對面不相逢

Loosely translated it means this:
The fated will travel a thousand miles to meet, the unfated will not meet even though they are right in front of each other.

I especially love this saying, because I felt it applies to me. In my life I ever have 4 girlfriends, the last married me eventually. But only the first one is from the same country as me, the second from country A, and the last 2 from country B.

It amazes me sometimes just how much this so-called destiny or fate plays a part. That 2 people born and lived so far apart, actually had the opportunity to meet and come together to share a part of their lives.

Then of course I somewhat experienced first hand the feeling of the second part of the saying. That after a breakup, walking by each other while pretending to be strangers, even though knowing each other was there.

My wife and I had a difficult road at the start. We suffered together and she married me at my poorest and my lowest. She has a good character and has life goals which are aligned as me.

And that is where other issues come in, wholly on my part.

I was and am a person who easily fall in love or have romantic feelings for others. And sometimes it will just be a, I admit, strong and lingering lust towards certain individuals that just refuses to go away even after a few years.

And these are the things that I cannot tell anyone. That I have so gotten used to keeping them to myself that I am surprised I can write all these down today. But I just had a rash idea of writing them down these few days.

有些人,注定看不到彼此最好的一面
有些人,注定永遠得不到彼此
There are those who are fated never to see the best side of each other.
There are those who are fated never to have each other.

In all logical thinking, I know that even if you give me the prettiest girl in this world, once I have slept with her enough, I will still turn to look at other girls, even if they are not as pretty as the one I have. 

In all logical thinking, giving up the current one and going after others is insane. Because everyone has their flaws, and after the initial infatuation, lust or whatever you call in, reality will sink in.

That I will not give up my current one because I know I will regret and highly likely not finding a better one who fits and loves me so much. Yet, that persistent lust and thoughts sometimes are a bit hard to handle.

Will continue the story in another post.

Posted by pencil-leads, 0 comments

Chinese Songs

Recently I realized that the Chinese (in China) has been producing more and more better music. My impression of Chinese music have always been horrible. They kept singing old songs that reeks of patriotism or gusto. Or simply old folk song that only people of my grandfather’s era would even find it remotely interesting. I am pretty sure you all have heard some of it so maybe I will not post a video here to remind everyone how a sample may sound like.

But recently someone close to me has been listening to random Chinese songs on a podcast or radio. There have been nice ones. Don’t get me wrong, I listen to Taiwan and Hong Kong music, and they are Chinese music too. When I said Chinese here, I mean mainland China. Anyways, over time I realized, the better musics are not just a random outlier. They do produce better songs these days.

I do not watch Chinese music shows because many of them have a horrible rendition of an old nice song from Taiwan or Hong Kong, and a crappy panel and audience who fake crying or being touched by their music. Mainstream music by record companies or TV stations are just now crap. I went to the internet and found a bunch of songs sang by people on the internet. The internet has made it easy for everyone to be a producer and to upload their content for all to see, without going through those pesky record companies and their one-sided contracts, and perhaps a few sensual nights with them producers.

Anyways I have started to build up and recreate my playlist, which was too outdated by now, with my newly found songs. Some of which, I admit, have been quite a few years old. Either way. enjoy the music below and see if you have the same taste as me.

Posted by pencil-leads, 0 comments

Nostalgia

Recently I realized that Chinese music from China has progressed a lot. From the old type of music that although may be nice but does not attract a lot of overseas fans, it has progressed to a form which appeals to foreigners. More like Taiwan music in the past.

For example, a typical Chinese song from China which may be nice and popular but which does not really appeal to me:

An example of older Taiwan song which I liked (nowadays the songs really suck)

But recently there are more and more China Chinese music which appeals to me.

And as I searched for the singer / band of the song in the last video, I came to a page (similar to a page of a Youtube uploader in China) where this pops up.

It is not the singer of course. What attracts me is the subtitle of this page:
某人我喜欢你有一年了,可是你讨厌我一年了,因为她,你最爱的她
which translates to
I have liked you for a year, but because of her, the one whom you love, you have disliked me for a year.

I am not at that age where I still dwell in such emo romance. But it did bring back feelings of nostalgia. And weirdly, it prompted me to start this personal blog which I have been dragging and hesitating to. This lingering feeling of nostalgia probably will last throughout the day. My sentimental feelings have caused me my fair share of troubles in my 20s, though I have it under much control now.

Posted by pencil-leads, 0 comments