‘i… i wanted to go to school with everyone… but i could not…’

—

when tsukishiro hikari said that line, even though the concept behind it is kind of cliche, i could not help but want to make a post out of it. yes, the idea behind what she said is cliche, in fact it had been used so many times that people probably got tired of it. well, even for cliche, there will still be people hearing it for that first time, right? so, this post is dedicated to those who have not heard of this idea before. the idea that an ordinary life, a normal life, is in fact happiness.

you know, i used to think a simple life is meant for the weak, for those who don’t have ambition, for those who are easily contented. not that i have no ambition now, but that maybe i am more contented with my life more than the past.

an ordinary life does not mean it is an unconstructive life. a normal life doesn’t mean your existence is neglected. now that when i think about it, the reason why i used to want to go so far up was that i wanted to be recognized, to stand above everyone and get their attention. but, that’s not the point of life, right? or that is what i think in my opinion.

taking things for granted - this is something all of us, i think, are guilty of doing. is it wrong? no idea. if we are taking things for granted, should we change our behavior? i thought so. because, by doing that, we are not appreciating the things we have, the people around us, what we are given and how blessed we are.

you know, living a normal life in a city, i grew up to be not very different from others. i go to school, and go to work. i worry about exams, about finance. i got irritated over little things sometimes, and i get angry when i quarrel with my sister. i am happy that i have friends, and i am sad when my friends have to leave. i got depressed over romantic relationships (that was in the past! since i am single now), and i have trouble thinking about the future. this, is what many of us face. it is common. it is not extraordinary. our problems are not huge problems nor would it make an impact on the world, but nevertheless it is our problems and we are affected.

our life, i bet someone out there, maybe in sudan, or iraq would gladly trade their lives with ours. to get our kind of life. even in the city where we live, maybe, there are someone who would gladly have our lives too, multiply our problems 10 times over. why? because the burden they are carrying is much heavier.

to us, our problems are huge. i admit that. i think that too sometimes, when i face a problem i cannot cope. it is true some people would want our lives, but it doens’t mean our paths are easy to walk, it just means theirs is a much more difficult road.

there are people, like hikari, who wanted so much to go to school, to grow up normally, fall in love and die. a simple life. a normal life. a simple wish. an impossible wish for her which we are experiencing everyday. what is normal and plain to us is an impossible wish for her.

life is unfair sometimes, right? well maybe i am not in any position to say such things since i have not lived life long enough to understand a lot of things, nor do i understand the workings and mechanics of this world. but, an ordinary life, is it so bad?

honestly, i used to think an ordinary life is very bad. i do not want to live life normally and die normally. i wanted to be remembered. even when i am gone 100 years, people would still remember me. that’s the kind of life i wanted. but, that kind of life, is that really neccessary?

an ordinary life, or maybe a plain life, is the life of many humans. many of us will not be the world’s greatest people. historians will most probably not quote us what we said during our lives. newspapers would probably only feature us on the obituary page. although we try very hard to be successful, we sometimes don’t get satisfied. because out of the 4 billion people on earth, only one person can be the top. to be the top, you need to take down 4 billion people, whether in terms of riches, or fame, or skills.

is there a need? i thought not, unless God tells you otherwise. i thought, if we are content with our ordinary life, our plain life, then maybe in a way that is happiness. i am not saying we should stop going forwards or striving. of course we do. but maybe, we don’t treat it as that important anymore. afterall, the people around us, what we have, those are the important things.

because if we lose all of them, we might never get it back. hikari lost her family and her friends, and from then on her life as a normal human was changed forever, all the way till just before the day she died. 3 days before her death, she experienced what a normal human goes through. going to class, having a meal with a loved one, strolling in the park…etc. these are extremely ordinary. but to her, and maybe to those who are really suffering in the world right now, they would really be wishing for this kind of life. a normal life. a peaceful life. a happy life. a life where they can use what they have and be with the people they love.

’so this evening, we will meet at the park. but i will purposely be a little late, just like a normal girl, so be sure to wait for me, ok?’

that was what yuka said (another person from another story, and the quote was based from my memory since i am too lazy to dig out the exact words) to her boyfriend. the need for her to live a normal life was so great that she was trying to do every normal thing a human does.

sometimes, we treat a normal life with contempt. i did that. but i thought, as we rush forwards in life, we stop, and appreciate our normal life, and treasure what we have, then, maybe, we can be happier. afterall, our kind of life is happiness in itself.

to get irritated over little things, to laugh at a lame joke, to cry at a drama series, to get angry over an offending word, to worry over exams, to get pissed off by the boss - this, isn’t it a form of happiness? because out there in the world, there are many people who looked at us with envy and said, ‘this is the kind of life i wanted.’

because we have a normal life, we can have an ordinary happiness. and then as our lives end, we can smile and say, ‘i think i did a lot of embarrassing things and a lot of lame things, as well as stupid stuffs, but i guess i did not regret it. because i have found happiness.’

zero (the name of a character) will never be able to return to being a human, and for the past 4 years he has fought against his vampire instincts. that would take more willpower than i could ever comprehend.

—

well i guess those of you who read manga or watch anime will once again know which story this came from. for the benefit of those who didn’t know, i think i better give a little background of the story. the guy was a person who hated vampires to the core because his whole family was killed by one of them. he had survived the attack, yet was turned into a vampire because he was bitten, turned into the very existence he hated to the core.

oh well so that’s all i needed to explain to get this post up.

willpower. something many of us, or maybe all of us have. the only difference between us is that for some of us it is stronger, some of us it is weaker. we always see this kind of thing in anime and manga. stories.

say kurosaki ichigo trying hard and risking his life to get his bankai (highest level of sword mastery in the story). allen walker trying desperately to get his innocence (a kind of weapon) back. uchiha itachi doing all he could to be alive up to the point he secured his brother’s safety and power. (i am trying to use the most popular of characters so that more people actually know what i am talking about.) and lastly, from above we have one vampire going against his instincts.

i thought the vampire example is most suited for us.

all of us, are born into a world of sin, whether we like it or not. all of us, no matter what we do, can never go back to a pure and innoncent person again, just like how zero can never go back to be a human. there are some of us who love to sin, because it brings pleasure. just like how a vampire sucks the blood of a human (i always wondered who set the rule that vampires cannot suck animal blood. oh well..).

sin, as we all know, is destructive. depending on the kind of sin, we can not only harm ourselves, but the people around us, and maybe the people not related to us. he had hated vampires because they had destroyed his family and his life, and in the same way sin has given us troubles too right? relationships are broken, lives are messed up sometimes…etc. yet, the funny thing is most of us don’t actually hate it. in fact, most of us embrace it.

as commented by another person, that guy had gone against his vampire instincts for a long time. and that he also admitted that doing that took more willpower than he could ever comprehend. that is obvious right? going against your instinct, against what you need (the blood, not the sin), all alone.

in a way, we are also fighting against the temptations of sin. well, actually many of us don’t even bother to fight back right? and even if we fight, we give up easily. because the temptation is too great.

of course, fighting against sin takes willpower. because it is in our instinct to sin. because it is pleasurable to us. because it is in our nature. that’s why we need willpower to do that. but, unlike that guy, we are not alone. maybe, in terms of human companions and friends, we really are alone. maybe no other humans bothered about us, whether we live or die, enjoy or suffer. but God is with us. so we are not alone.

the guy’s willpower was much more than what others could comprehend. what about us? you see, in stories, characters always exhibit extraordinary willpower. extraordinary restraint. extraordinary determination. compared to them, sometimes i don’t know if we should feel ashamed.

we (or maybe only i) are not so determined not to sin. even when we know it is wrong, we don’t really care sometimes. thinking, ‘God will forgive me.’ so, after a little of ceremonial ‘resistance’, we give up and do what we want. compared to the characters, or maybe even if we think it ourselves, our willpower is just so weak. so weak it is laughable. not that we have to exhibit extraordinary willpower. but that we don’t even try properly.

if we really try, and cannot do it, we can always ask God for help. He is always there. unlike zero, we are not alone. erm….he has a friend too, but it was until later that she could help him. knowing what is wrong, even if it means going against his instincts, he tried hard to defend against it. being someone he hated, he went against those of his own kind.

are we like that? knowing what is wrong, even if it means going against our instincts, have we tried to defend against sin? being a sinner, being someone who should hate sin, have we gone against sin itself? in a way, we are really like the character right? yet when we compare, the actions we have taken are so far apart.

i have a feeling i am just repeating myself. blame the time again, not me. i want to sleep. hahax.

so, if the next time temptation comes, try a bit harder to resist it. try it as best as you could. and when you could not do it, ask for help. because it is wrong to sin. because we have someone to help us. it is hard. everyone knows that. but at least, try your best to resist it.

and for me too, i will try too. defending against sin is not something you could do with willpower alone. you need help from God. well, for that guy, he fell in the end though, because his willpower was not enough to keep in check his instincts all the way. as for what happened to him… go read that story on your own.

Even though fate is fleeting
As long as you live
Life goes on
Eternally
To anywhere, as long as you’re strong

Though I may die
As long as you live
Life goes on
Eternally
Continues to anywhere, as long as you’re strong

—

is it nice? the above. well not written by me though. the woman, even when she was dying, was telling the man to have hope. to continue on living even when she is not around.

i had made a post before on the sudden death or departure (not neccessary death) of someone (see The Last Time He Saw Her). sometimes, fate is fleeting. well, fate. some believe, some do not. i don’t believe fate controls everything though. maybe you can call it God’s plan, luck, co-incidence, destiny… it mean the same darn thing. something beyond your control. to simplify it, we call it fate, since it fits in with the story as well.

as we all know, people do die. obviously. sometimes they die early, sometimes they die late. sometimes it is others who die, sometimes it is us. well, doesn’t matter. someone is going. it is one thing to die, it is another to leave a heartbroken person behind. well, if you die and no one is sad, i guess you better start reflecting on your life.

haha i have discovered a contradiction. if you die and nobody is sad, then it doesn’t really reflect well on you. but if you are a good guy and you die, people are sad for you. but then you wouldn’t want people to be sad for you. oh well. this paragraph only serves to point out this irony.

you see, if we die, people do get sad. family, friends, lovers, children…etc. sometimes people cannot take it well. sometimes people cannot move on at the death of a loved one. it is not strange, right? especially if it is a sudden or horrible death. 911 incident, murder…etc. unexpected deaths. people usually find it harder to move on in such a case.

as long as you live, life goes on, eternally. to anywhere, as long as you are strong.

this woman, even when she was dying, was trying to console the man, and help him move on. even though she might die, she knew that the man’s time was not up yet. she could not be with him, and he had to be alone. yet, life goes on.

literally, life goes on as long as the heart continues pumping. the brain may be dead, but as long as the heart is working, medically, you are living. but, living without a purpose, living in the past, living in grief, it is not really living. that’s why the woman said, ‘life goes on, eternally, to anywhere, as long as you are strong.’

as long as he is strong enough to stand, life goes on. he is not a living dead. a human with a path in front of him. he may be sad, but he can continue walking. as long as he is strong, life goes on, until it is his time to go. well the fact about life going on eternally in this case is exaggerated. since it is not reality. well eternal life do exist in heaven though.

both these 2 characters are very admirable aren’t they. the guy is so much in love with the woman that he won’t be able to go on as long as she died. but at the same time the woman knew, and asked him to move on. a selfless love, a sincere love and a genuine love. what am i saying? i think at 0100h in the morning my thinking is a bit messed.

*points at the clock* blame the time, not my incompetence at critical thinking at such a weird time.

back to the topic. a person’s death is not end of the world. well maybe in a certain sense to you it is the end of the world. but you are still alive. and you are not dead. (they mean the same thing don’t they? blame the time.)

it may be very hard to get up. so if you know someone who needs to get up, why not lend him a helping hand? if you are alone and you cannot get up, why not ask God for help? although He is our God, and our Lord, we can actually ask Him for help. because He is one who cares for us. if we are sad, He is sad. maybe, sometimes the way a person died made you wonder if there really is a God. this, i don’t know how to say it to you. because i didn’t lose anyone is a tragic manner that i would doubt God. but while i am still in this blissfully ignorant state, i can tell you that there is a God. maybe one day, if i doubt God, then i would need you to remind me of the same thing i am reminding you today.

life moves on. because she loves him, she didn’t want him to be so sad he could not go forwards. similarly, you too right? if you die, you wouldn’t want the ones who love you be so sad they could not move on. so, if you are the one living, you can be also sure the one who died wouldn’t want you to be in such a state of grief for so long. because she loves you, and wouldn’t want you to be like that. so, stand up and move forwards. and as you move forwards, you can take her memories together with you. as long as you remember her, she will always be there. at least, for once in your life, you have someone whom you love deeply. and for that, you have experienced the greatest human emotion of all.

so stand up. as long as you are strong, life goes on. to anywhere (well not neccessary true). even though fate is fleeting, but that period of short happiness would accompany you till the day you die. so, don’t cry anymore. the road is still ahead of you. so, walk that road, walk forwards. just like the way she wanted you to.

‘even so, i love you.’

—

this is what a guy said to another girl, despite the girl being ‘unworthy’ of his love. with just 5 simple words, the guy had expressed his deep love for the woman he wanted to be with.

the 3 words ‘i love you’ are easy to say. but add the 2 words in front ‘even so’, and many people cannot do it. funny how sometimes this is the extent of our love for others. i thought sometimes it is even easier to come up with the world’s most flowery language than to add that 2 simple words in front.

i thought about the range of love a human could have. starting from lust superficial love, to normal love, to loving a person more important than your life etc…they are all variations of love. but dont you think sometimes these kind of love are still in a way…superficial sometimes? note i don’t say all the time. just well… sometimes. or maybe a bit more often than sometimes.

we always love people when they are healthy, when they are well and everything is fine. but say your lover or whomever important to you is disabled, or maybe did something very wrong, or whatever you think of, we don’t love the person anymore. or maybe we can even find her/him irritating. say if your parents get very sick and cannot take care of themselves anymore. say your boyfriend got involved in a car accident and got paralyzed. say your girlfriend gave birth to a child before she met you, or that she got raped. say your siblings got into (a very big) trouble (maybe lose a lot of money in the stock market?) and need your help.

at these times, what becomes of our love? i am not very experienced. but i observe people sometimes. and sometimes that’s the end of their love. funny isn’t it? i love you. only when you are healthy and well and when i enjoy being with you. yet when you have to bother me and i get no benefits from it, that’s the end of our love. my love only extends up to the point where i don’t need to give too much.

sometimes i think about it, and i am amused and at the same time appalled by the extent of our love. is that called love? i don’t know. maybe superficial love, i guess. well i am not saying all humans are like that. don’t get me wrong. but we all know there are many humans like that. will i be like that? i don’t know. but i hope not.

‘even so, i love you.’ to me, saying these few words in the most messed up situation is much more beautiful than saying ‘i love you’ under the most romantic of conditions. well of course this applies to family and friends as well though. ‘even so’ implies that you didn’t mind the past, or whatever problem the person has. because who you love is the person him/herself. of course it doesn’t mean if the person you love is a drug addict you would tolerate him and continue to support his addiction.

we all have people whom we love. but that is because maybe they are healthy and well now? have you ever asked yourself, how deep is your love for that person? a little deep? very deep? this is a very hard question to answer isn’t it? we always thought we know the extent of our love for a person, until when the test comes. and when that time comes, that 5 simple words becomes so hard to say. well, for you, only you know how much you love the other person.

even in marriage, when the vows were exchanged and you promised to be with each other through thick and thin, till death do you part, the vows sometimes are just taken as lightly as saying ‘i do’ when the person at the counter asked you if you want a cheeseburger. i am not going to talk about divorce, but don’t you think it is amazing how people can forget their love so easily? a love that wants to be with each other till death gets burnt out over maybe quarrels, or something. of course there are valid reasons, such as adultery, home abuse, but not all the people are like that, right?

love is something… nice. amazing. whatever you call it. true love, that is. not lust. not superficial love. a sincere, genuine love.

today, if you ask yourself, of all the people you love, to how many of them can you say these words, ‘even so, i love you.’?

i know God loves us. well they is no need to repeat myself again and again why we are not worthy of His love. but in the end, i know He still thinks, ‘even so, i love you.’

so i thought, if you can honestly say to one whom you love that 5 simple words, then you have reached one of the most sincere and deepest love a human can go.

of all the manga i read, love hina is the only odd one out. it is the only comedy-based manga i read. i usually don’t like comedy. i prefer more action, and tragic stories. my friend once recommended me love hina, and said it was very nice. i had my doubts at first, but i listened to his advice. and when i read it, i realized that i got addicted to it very fast.

why did i continue reading even though i usually don’t like comedies? why did i not stop reading it even though it is full of ‘lame’ actions and no proper fighting? i don’t know why. but i know i continued to read, all the way till the end. and the end was something i could never forget. it was not a very dramatic ending. maybe it was an ending you could have expected. no great twists, no great shocks. but still, it was an ending i could not forget. i don’t know why, but at that time i felt something stirred in my heart that says, ‘i want to be like that.’ like what?  i don’t know. seriously, i don’t know.

and then a few years later, which is today, i found out why. the friend who recommended me love hina had asked me to send him the song ‘winter wish’ because he lost that song. winter wish, although a bit old, is still a very nice slow song that i just could not get tired of. and he reminded me once again of love hina, since winter wish is a song for that anime. so today, i went to revisit love hina again. and then, a few years later after i read the manga, i found out what kept me from putting down the book.

the story of love hina took place in a very ordinary setting (except for the flying turtle) with ordinary people having ordinary dreams. nothing special about it. a bunch of people around, working for the thing they wanted, and well, they failed. hahax. until the very end.

essentially it was a bunch of ‘failures’ who got together to work for their own goal or to run away from their troubles. they were not successful people whom others would want to model after. yet in their lives, despite their hardwork and the seemingly very hard-to-reach goal, they were still able to enjoy the life they had. enjoy it with their important friends. and they had fun. sometimes when we read the manga, we actually focused on the fun they had instead of their troubles and their hard work.

and again, the 2 main characters failed to reach their goal which is to get into tokyo university. and they tried again, after allowing themselves to emo for a bit. and finally they got hold of their goal.

this is a very ordinary story. perhaps so ordinary that we might see ourselves in it. life has problems. and life is full of crap sometimes. everyone fails at one point or another. most of us are ordinary people. people who fail, people who run away from troubles. but at the same time we have people close to us and to support us.

in our ordinary life, despite wanting to be like them, to smile and have fun despite life’s troubles, we thought that would be too idealistic. if we have time to play, we would have time to work harder right? i don’t know. maybe. maybe not. in our simple life, we might think this ordinary story may be too idealistic for us. not all who work can reach their goals. not all the troubles can be cast away that easily, or solved just by working hard. and lastly, not all dreams could be fulfilled.

it is nice to keep a dream. it is nice to have a dream fulfilled. but reality is not so nice. reality sucks. but despite that, we are still living in reality. reality doesn’t always offer us such nice friends, such nice endings.

and then i had realized, in my ordinary realistic life, i had envied and wished to be like the characters in an ordinary story world. to have a dream to work for, to have friends that close, and finally to see my dream fulfilled and get a happy ending.

after nearly 3 years, then i realized that. what a long time. to think it took me so long to realize what was wrong with me. it is a problem which not only i had, but i realized many others had. we have given up dreaming, rejected people when they came too close to us, and we stopped believing that our dreams will come true if we work for it.

did i make a post about this before? i felt that i had. but i cannot remember it now. oh well, if i made such a post before, then just take it as i am a broken record repeating myself.

sometimes we give up dreaming because of the failures. failure in going towards the goal not suited for us. it is tragic. we are going towards a goal that is not meant for us, and when we fail too much, we give up dreaming.

maybe, we should just ask God. what kind of life is suited for us? He created us differently. and i am sure our dreams will be something we like, and not because God says so. so, if we ask Him, and let Him guide us, we will one day find a dream that truly belongs to us. a dream that we can achieve if we work for it.

do we want friends? we have friends. but at the same time we stop them from coming too close. we are scared. maybe i am scared. or rather, maybe we just want to try to act as though we are a tragic character. who knows?

God is a friend we can let Him come close. a friend we can trust. the closeness of our bond depends on us. and if we want, we can have bonds closer than those characters in love hina whom we (or i) envy. and slowly, He will help us to trust in people once again. and then we have friends of this world whom we can walk with, laugh with, work with…etc.

in our ordinary life, we have given up a lot of things that was ordinary. dreams, trust and hope. in the 3d ordinary life, 2d ordinary life seemed so idealistic. 2d ordinary life seemed so hard to achieve, as if it is a goal we can never reach. everyone is walking on the road of reality, not knowing each other is just like him, admiring the people and wishing to be like those 2d characters. this is a joke that is not even funny.

maybe, we are just lost in the dark. and those who come near us we treat them as danger, because we cannot see. so today, ask God to light up your path, and ask Him to direct you. so that we can see our dreams. so that we can believe our dreams can come true. so that we can see not all who come near us are dangerous. so that we will have someone to walk with us. and finally, so that we can smile and laugh and enjoy life even in the midst of trying hard like those characters, because God is with us.

today, pray and ask God to lead you to your dream, to light up your path so you can see. and then, believe in God as He leads you to the dream meant for you.

In the city I’m not used to that’s full of dirt,
I can’t laugh the same and I walked with my head down
People pass by in a quick pace
I ask “has their dreams come true?” But I’m still struggling

I want to try living in the present
rather than returning to my childhood
It’s my nature to be a coward

If I go to a sunny spot and stretch my arms out,
I wonder if I can go beyond the sky
that’s what I thought
—

how many of you here do not dare to dream again? not because of anything, but because you are scared of failure. can you think of any time of your life when you are like that? i can. i thought, this is natural.

when we were younger (even though i am still very young) we dared to dream. impossibility seemed to be a concept meant for weaklings and failures. and then maybe we tried and tried. failed once. we got up. failed the second time. we got up again. the third time, we forced ourselves to get up again.

and then, as we tried to overcome the wall that we can never get over (at that time, maybe), we realized in the end, that maybe we are just only a weakling we used to say of others. and as time passed by, as we come once more to the wall we failed to climb, and we looked up, we thought, ‘maybe, no more. i am tired. enough. i am really very, very tired.’

i think, as long as we are humans, we would have met with this kind of situation.

in a place where we are not comfortable with, we walked, with our heads down, unable to laugh. maybe we can laugh in front of others, but that would be a mask. because in the end, we would not be able to really laugh. because we know best ourselves we are not able to have a genuine laugh or a smile.

some of us could not lift up our heads. why? maybe it is because of the burden of failure. maybe because we dare not look at a place far far away, and say to ourselves, ‘hey! i want to go over there!’ so we walk with our heads down, not daring to dream about the future, seeing only the present, carrying our past failures with us. and then, we walked, following the others. where to? we don’t know. anywhere. as long as the current state we are in doesn’t fall off. anything better is a bonus.

and as we walk, we see people. those living in a city would know, the city is a busy place. tokyo, singapore, new york, london… people are rushing here and there. rush to work, rush for meals, rush to get home, rush to play. everybody is in a rush. and maybe once again we asked ourselves, ‘has their dreams come true?’ maybe. maybe not. who knows? everybody is rushing, as if there is something they must do. as if that is essential to their dreams. maybe it is. maybe it is not. again, who knows?

but, no matter what we think, that is still the life of others. we are still, walking with our heads bowed, walking with our failures on our shoulders, staring at the ground that is the present, not looking ahead which is the future. we are still struggling. for all we know, we are at a contradiction.

we just want to maintain the current state. but at the same time we envy those who has more. but even when we envy them, we cannot be like them. because we do not dare to dream. and if we do not have dreams, how can we work towards our goal? we want a better life, but we don’t want to fail again. so we asked for no improvements in our life, yet at the same time we envy those with a better life. contradicting, isn’t it?

maybe, you want to say, ‘what do you know?’ or maybe, you want to say to me, ‘you cannot imagine what kind of feeling that is.’ but, like i said before, as long as we are humans, we would have gone through this stage before. and me, like the rest of humanity, at one point of time or another, had already gave up dreaming. and maybe, slowly, unintentionally, we had replaced our dreams with envy.

we want to try living in the present, like all of us are doing now. we don’t want to go back to our childhood, because we are cowards. (again, see the opening of this post.) we don’t want to go back and see once more the faraway place we used to look at. we don’t want to remind ourselves of the place we wanted to go to. because we are cowards, and we are scared.

and sometimes, life do give us second chances, if we are lucky. maybe, the rainy days are over. the sun comes out once again. finally? maybe not. because we had given up on seeing the sun once again. maybe the rain was there for too long, long enough to make us forget the warmth of the sun, the brightness of the sun.

and when once more the sun comes up and once more we have a new hope, as we stretched out our hands, do we dare to dream? do we dare to dream that we can soar beyond the sky? the sun is up, and we have our past failures to learn from. we have already gone through the worst, what can be worse, right?

i cannot say for sure you will definately conquer the wall this time and fly up to the sky. it depends on your goal and your ability, as well as God. but, if we stay at the ground for too long, when one day we want to fly up, we would find ourselves not able to do so. the weather is nice, and the hope is bright, wouldn’t it be a waste if we let the opportunity slip off? maybe we cannot fly as high up as we want. maybe, we cannot fly for as long as we want. but, anything is better than the ground, right?

so if today the dark clouds are no more, and the sun comes out… lift up your head and look to that faraway place, and stretch out your hands once more so you can fly over to that faraway place. because this city of dirt, this gloomy place, is really not fit for human living.

I was wandering aimlessly
I kept searching, though I had no clues
Make the memories you gave me
Into a song to heal my heart

Without making promises
Without deciding what words to say
You held me–and then I was certain
We could never go back to those days

—

wandering around aimlessly, without a goal. searching for something, yet had no clue. walking around aimlessly, perhaps, she too, like one of the many people, did not dare to dream again. why? obviously, from the above, she was hurt.

she looked back, and she saw happy memories. we all do look back when we are hurt, right? when we dare not look to the front, and when the present is too difficult, we do look back. and sometimes, we see happy memories. although i had said before that going back to our past and staying there do not help us at all, and instead was harmful, but, the happy memories can heal us.

like the girl said, make the memories she was given into a song to heal her heart. happy memories. they are proof that we once lived in happiness. and because we lived in happiness, we were able to have a true smile. sometimes, you might have discovered, that as we look through our memories, we were able to smile at our own recollections even in the most stressful of times, the most troubling of times. it seems, happiness is not only contagious to those around you, their impact is so great they can come out from the past to bring a smile to your current unhappy face.

why can looking at past memories heal our heart? i don’t mean for you to stay and drown in the happy memories and never take a step forward again. that would be harmful.

as we look back and see those times we treasured, we are reminded once again, that maybe, even though we lost the time and could never get it back, we are still able to reach out and grab the happiness waiting for us further ahead of life’s road. maybe, we are reminded that we can still live in bliss, instead of the gloomy and dark state we are currently in. maybe, as we look back, and our hearts get lightened up a bit, we find ourselves with the strength to face the reality, and to continue to walk forwards.

the girl had a special someone. and when she was down, he had held her. not saying anything, not promising anything. simply being with her, simply, hugging her. sometimes actions really do worth more than words. just being there is proof to the person that she is important enough that you are willing to spend time with her. hugging her, giving her the comfort she needed, i guess, that means a lot. of course, don’t go round hugging girls you are not familiar with. don’t ask for trouble.

promises can be broken, and words could be insincere. if you say something, who knows, maybe she may think you are just consoling her and none of the words are true. who knows, maybe if you make a promise, and you cannot keep it, she would think you are just insincere about the whole thing. so, if it is not neccessary, don’t say any words if you don’t mean it. don’t make promises that might get broken. i don’t know. maybe the situation demands that you make a promise. maybe, the situation demands that you say something. in that case, as we are all capable of, make your own judgement.

the guy, had gently reminded the woman, that she was not able to go back to those days. those days of her past when she was happy. those days when she felt joy, bliss and happiness. not that she could not experience these emotions again anymore in the future. but that the past is over, and it is gone. gently reminding her that the past is over, and to look over to the future. this, was what the man had did for her.

if we are walking aimlessly, without a goal, not knowing anything anymore, maybe, try to look back at your memories. the happy ones. and then, maybe you will find a source of healing. if you have friends who are hurt, if you can, be with her. there will be no need to promise anything. no need to say anything. being with her, gently reminding her that the future is still bright, that there is a road ahead for her to go on. there are happy memories, but in the end, they are still memories. we can take out and look at them, but not live in them.

and so, with a sincere heart, without even opening our mouths, we can actually help another person to get up on her feet again and walk towards the future.

of course this post is generally meant for those people with normal troubles. extreme problems, well i have not experienced them yet. can’t really say much.

if there is any time of the day i like the most, it would be the night. late into the night. midnight. although it is technically morning. and if there is any part of the day i hate the most, it is the period just before the sun rises. i like the night because it is quiet, and i like the peace. as to why i don’t like the time before daybreak, because of the smell i guess. that time usually have a certain smell in the air. it is a refreshing smell, but that smell also reminds me of something i hate.

both night and before daybreak are very similar. but yet are not the same. i can like one and hate the other. similarly in life, there are paths which are very close to one another, yet not the same, and we cannot go to the other path. one very obvious example - the chessboard. bishops can only move on one color of the squares. even if the other square is just beside it, they still cannot go over. because that is the rule.

many people compare life to chessboard. and they always refer themselves to either the pieces or the player. in fact i would like to think we are all pieces. not that someone is playing us, but that we are pieces of the board that have a will of our own.

in life, there are paths we can go, and there are those we cannot go, no matter how much we try. a person who lost the chance to train can never train to become a world-class gymnast when she grew older. a blind person can never be a professional painter. a person who lost both his hands can never be a doctor. the list goes on.

or maybe, we are like the pawns. we are so small, so insignificant. if we are gone, nobody cares, because it is as if we make no impact on the overall situation. we look at the others, the much stronger people out there, the more successful people on the board - the knights, the castles, the Queens. and maybe we thought, we can never be like them.

and sometimes we thought of that, and thought of the road we can never walk, no matter how much we wish to, we just lost motivation to go forwards. maybe to move ahead one square is within our limits. and maybe, we are given enough opportunity to do so. but, we don’t. even if we can. why? because we see no point, and therefore we lost our motivation. because no matter how we move, we cannot get to the place we want.

and then we know, that if we stay at that spot, sooner or later we are going to regret. while everyone is moving, we are stagnant. even though when we know we are going to get ‘eaten’ (well think of the consequences if you don’t work hard), we still do not move. is there any difference between being eaten sooner or being eaten later? maybe not. maybe there is. who knows?

you see, in chess, Queens do fall. in chess, as long as the pawn gets to the end of the board, the pawn can become a Queen, become a castle, a bishop. anything. anything except the King. well, the idea is, don’t pretend to be God.

the difference between getting eaten sooner or later is that while you try, maybe you will meet other pieces that will aid you in your move forwards. and then one day you too can be successful after all the hard work you put in. nobody can say for sure the pawn will reach the end. nobody knows. but if you try, there is hope. if you don’t, that’s the end of you. it is cliche, i know. but cliches usually are true. that’s why it is used so often it became a cliche.

we are only a pawn in the chessboard. somebody else is born a castle. somebody else the bishop. maybe one or two born the Queen. and the rest of us, the pawns. most of us have to work on our own. most of us do not live a very very luxurious life. everyone is working towards the goal.

if one day you find really no point in moving forwads, turn to God for help. i guess if He makes you a pawn, He will give you what is needed for you to move on. i know that, having experienced that personally. still i can say, knowing and doing are totally 2 different things. God can give you the resources and the opportunities, but ultimately no one can force you if you don’t want to move. afterall, God gives us all these pieces a freewill.

and who says pawns are no use? just like a great chess player can use a pawn effectively to win the whole game, God can use us effectively for His plan. we are created with a purpose, to fit into His plan. all we need to do is to listen to Him. we are just pawns, so if we don’t listen to Him the impact is nothing. just like a chess player would not mind losing a pawn, that same chess player can use a pawn to turn the tide of the game. God doesn’t need us. no one is indispensible. but if we allow it, the pawn that is us can be used to do big things.

so, as we move along the chessboard, allow God to guide us. He can use us effectively to do big things, and He can guide us all the way to the end so that we can stop being a pawn and be someone more successful. of course i cannot tell you that you will definately do big things or be successful. everyone is different. everyone is created for a different reason. but at the end of the day, if you can accomplish what you were made for, then your life would not be in vain right?

so don’t lose hope, because if we allow it, the one who moves us is God. and if He wants, we can go all the way to the end, to be a Queen, a castle, a knight…etc.

even a pawn has value. and even a pawn can do big things. so, don’t be discouraged. trust in God.

—

no wonder i am such a hypocrite. i say things that i don’t even plan on doing. so all of you move on, while i stay behind.

If only she could have cried awkwardly,
If only she could have forgiven them at that time,
If only there had been someone she could have leaned on…

In that body that knows nothing
Did night turn into day?

—

there are many tragedies in life that many people go through. rape, abuse, murder, war, poverty, starvation, illness, accidents… etc. although i have a very strong tendency to envy other people for what they have and for what i don’t, i am actually very grateful to God that so far, i have not met any situations like that. so far, i have not experienced any tragedies that will sink me into despair.

many of us too. we lead a normal life, live a blessed life. although we envy others, we ourselves sometimes know deep down in our hearts that for all the envy we have, for all the ‘depressions’ we have, for all the frustrations we have, we have not yet been sink into a despair we cannot climb up of. or maybe, we have not even stepped into the swamp of despair before. walking in a rocky road perhaps, but nonetheless a road.

do we know people who sink into despair? maybe the death of someone, maybe a person’s own helplessness at being unable to prevent a certain tragedy. maybe a guilt too serious that he/she cannot forgive herself? we all have different limitations. some sink into the swamp quickly, while others took a longer time to sink. but, still, whether quick or slow, it did not make the fact they are sinking any more false.

like the girl (see the opening of this post), she was in despair. she cannot cry, she cannot forgive, and she had no one to lean on. in the end, the day never came. because she never lived through the night to see the day.

we have many emotions, and for every emotion there is a counter emotion. for every positive feeling there is another negative. love and hate. hope and despair. if hope can bring a person back from the ‘dead’, despair can send a person down to her grave. those of you who had gone through despair before, you would have understood.

the girl, her parents were dead. she could not cry. she could not forgive. she had no one to support her.

the act of crying, is a sign to show others we are weak at that point in time. unfortunately, sometimes people are unable to cry. maybe people don’t want to see you in your wreak state. maybe, you just want to show people you are strong. maybe, we think we are not fit to cry (this would be the most logical reason i can come up with). unable to cry not only means we are suppressing our tears, it also means we are suppressing whatever we are feeling inside of us. hiding it, cover it… but we cannot eliminate it. not being able to face ourselves, what can we do?

forgiveness, one of the laws of christianity, is there for a reason. not only because God forgives us, it provides a way for healing. if we cannot forgive, how can we get out of the hurt? maybe i can say that because my parents are not murdered or something. but, if we don’t forgive, we cannot move on. just like that girl, she was unable to move on. being stuck in the past, experiencing the pain over and over, until she reached her limit. if only she had forgiven them, she might have been able to see the day.

if only she had someone to leaned on, she might not have died. if she had someone to support her, she might have gone through the crisis. when we are in despair, we fall, and we don’t want to pick ourselves up. you feel very tired, as if nothing else matters anymore. as if even if you die, it didn’t really make a difference. with no one to help you, with yourself in that swamp of despair, sooner or later, that is going to make you drown. at that time, if someone lent her a helping hand, pull her out of that swamp, she would not have died.

what do i want to say?

of course you can say God is there. but, even though He is there, how many of those sink into despair will take His help? the emotions suppressed inside, the hatred, and the feeling of helplessness - even though God can take it all away, how many of those in despair would let Him do that?

maybe then, if we see someone like that, we can be a bridge to link her/him to God. even if they refuse to believe in God, maybe we can do something.

maybe, she won’t let her feelings out in front of you. maybe, she won’t cry in front of you. but, at least, if you are there for her, she may have the courage to face herself. she might not know it, but in fact she might be crying really hard in her heart. crying so hard she has no idea when that will stop. and that will not stop as long as she don’t face herself. if you are there for her, maybe, you can just give her a little courage that she needs.

forgiveness. some of us find it hard to forgive. even though hating a person is tiring, but sometimes we just cannot bring ourselves to let go. i know that myself, perfectly well. what can you do? i don’t know. hatred is something that cannot be taken away that easily. but i can say, if you are there, maybe that person would know that there are more important things than hatred. that life is worth something much more than that. it is hard to give up hating. but one has to come to terms with that. one has to resolve that matter in her own heart. but, if you are there, although you cannot walk the road for her, you can walk the path with her, right?

having someone to lean upon. this, i am sure, most of us can do. for those in despair, the least we can provide is emotional support. the person in despair is at her weakest, especially emotionally. breaking down is not uncommon. and like that girl, suicide is not uncommon. if we can be there, to show that at least she has someone she can rely on, that at least someone is there for her, maybe, she can see that hope. of course, don’t give her the wrong kind of hope. give the correct hope.

a person in despair needs help desperately. it is urgent, and your actions may save a life, literally. if today you see a person in despair, if you can, lend a helping hand. if you can, sit down with her. if you can, walk down the road with her.

so that she can cry. so that she can forgive. so that she can find strength to go on with you supporting her. and finally, so she can go through the night to welcome the day. because eventually, the day will come. and the night will be gone.

While wearing a school uniform that doesn’t suit me
I’m being swallowed by an overflowing crowd.
I’m at my patience’s limit and want to scream.

Even if I open a textbook
The answers aren’t written there.

—

you ever felt like the girl? doing something that don’t suit you, doing something you don’t like. being pushed by the crowd, being pushed by society. just because everyone is doing it, we have to do it. just because it is the unspoken rule, we have to obey it. being mixed in with everyone, doing what everyone else is doing, even if you don’t like it. i am sure, at one point of time or another, you have felt that.

and then we endure it. endure the hardship, we tell ourselves. everyone is doing it, so can i. then maybe, at one point of time, when you finally cannot take it anymore, when you finally realized everything is pointless, and then your patience is finally worn off, like that girl, you want to scream. scream at who? no one in particular. nothing in particular. 

the frustration finally overcame you. you are not made like that. you are not meant to do this kind of thing (say study, or working a particular job). but you realized in the end you could do nothing. you need to be educated to find a better job next time. you need to work to support your family. and in the end, you realized, although it is pointless, although you don’t like it, you still have to do it. why? society demands it. unspoken rule. and then you really really want to scream, or to shout. anything, anything to get the pressure out. get the frustration out.

maybe some of us would do a more practical thing. search for answers. what can we do? what should i do? what opportunities are there? you search and you search. like that girl, you cannot find that in your textbooks. the math formulas did not teach you how to solve your life problems. the periodic table of chemistry did not tell you which element is the root of all problems. the physics theories did not tell you which theory you need to apply to get out of the mess. and biology only tells you it is only the hormones which screwed up.

no answers. the teacher did not teach you. the textbook is useless. for all that you learn, you still end up here. for all that you try, you are still in a mess. and you really really don’t know what to do anymore. and once again, you realized, that screaming is also useless. throwing things, shouting, eating pills…they don’t solve your problems. 

in the crowd, you are the only odd one out. maybe, that is true. maybe, that is not. maybe, everyone is thinking like you. but, nobody notices. because you, like everyone else, despite your helplessness and frustration, is forcing yourself to walk forwards one more step. keep up with the crowd. go along with them. and so, collectively, we move forwards, each ignorant of the screams of the person walking beside you.

where is this going to lead to? you tell yourself, to a better future. that is why you are trying so hard. to a better future? i hope so. if not, for all the effort you put in, for all the suffering you go through, what is it for? but the future is not certain. it is not like you apply the differentiation formula you are sure to get the gradient of a graph. nobody knows what the future is like. we can increase our chances of making sure our future happens, but nobody knows for sure. nobody knows. ‘100 correct steps to reach the top, one wrong step to fall’. you heard that before?

then what are we working for? what are we suffering for? if not for a better future, then what?

i don’t know. and i will never know. God knows. He knows why you are walking that path you don’t like. maybe, it is His plan. maybe, it is because you don’t listen and you take a wrong step. 

what is ahead of us? we don’t know. God knows. but because He knows, we can look to Him for help. maybe, He won’t show us the road ahead of us. maybe, He will only tell us to walk and trust in Him. but because He knows the way, we can trust in Him. step by step, little by little, He will give us the strength we need to continue walking. or maybe, He will bring us to an unknown road that He believes is the correct road for us.

and as we walk with Him, maybe we are still suffering. but, we will not be wearing the wrong kind of uniform anymore. maybe, we would still want to scream. but, He has the answers the textbooks did not have. maybe, we are at our patience’s end, but He will turn you into a more patient person. the road might be hard, but He knows the way.

so, believe in Him. so you won’t need to scream at your own helplessness. so you won’t need to search the textbooks for the answers that are not there. so you won’t need to wear a uniform that does not suits you.

—

am i repeating my message over and over again in my blog? oh well…